Relationship with yourself- After a toxic relationship, the most important thing to heal is the relationship with yourself. This relationship during the time of the toxic one was likely the least visited or invested relationship in your world. Holding self-compassion for yourself as you navigate this huge change is a challenge, but one that will bring you self-respect and self-esteem.
Psychological abuse can leave deep and lasting scars, affecting all aspects of a person’s life. Healing from such toxic relationships requires resilience, support, and effective strategies. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Barbara Martinez, LCSW-S.
Barbara Martinez, LCSW-S is the founder and CEO of Adelante Counseling, PLLC based in Texas. She is a licensed virtual therapist who is specializes in helping folks feel confident in their relationships despite their histories. As a Latina in the mental health field, she is committed to the challenging of norms while preserving unique backgrounds, tradition, and culture.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?
Hi! I’m a virtual therapist in Texas who specializes in trauma, anxiety, and relationships. A lot of my work with clients includes creating boundaries, increasing self-compassion, and learning how to combat unhelpful thinking patterns. My experience as a therapist includes working at a domestic violence shelter, inpatient psychiatric hospital, and am now in private practice. I am also a person who has experienced my own toxic relationship in the past.
Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?
In my practice I’ve found myself in a lot of client stories. A specific client comes to mind with their similarity to one of my experiences that I found myself really appreciating the universal experience of struggle. It’s tough to go through, but also beautiful to know that the human experience can be shared and individual at the same time.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Self-Awareness, Curiosity, and Empathy have been core values I use both in my practice and with peers.
Being self-aware with my abilities and my own biases helps with connecting with the right clients for me. I am not for everyone and that’s okay. Being curious about why something is being thought or felt versus being overly clinical helps to humanize my clients. Curiosity is something I invite my clients to have when examining their experiences. It’s so simple, especially with the reign of social media, to have a life experience and label it with something like OCD rather than truly understanding where it is coming from. Empathy is vital in being a good human in my opinion. Empathy without judgement creates a connection where we can truly understand a person.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
I’m currently working on a journal for folks following an end to a difficult relationship. It’ll hopefully be a great resource to practice intentionality about healing a relationship and moving forward.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. Let’s start with a simple definition so that we are all on the same page. How would you define a Toxic Relationship?
A toxic relationship is an unhealthy dynamic in where one or both parties feel a pattern of disrespect, being misunderstood, and depleted. An abusive relationship is a toxic relationship that is also rooted in at least one person’s attempt at obtaining power and control over another person through intentional harm. This harm can be emotionally, mentally, economically, physically, or sexually.
What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in various types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?
Identifying abuse can be difficult because typically toxic and abusive partners are so good at manipulating through gaslighting, stonewalling, and love bombing. It is also important to understand that abuse in these ways can be done in any type of relationship to include family members, friendships, and partners. Family members, especially those involved in our upbringing, sometimes feel entitled to being a part of our decisions as adults. Creating healthy boundaries with family members is important in cultivating a healthy relationship. Friendships often feel like an intimate relationship due to the intimacy of what we share and the experiences we have together, but again, healthy friendships will be respectful of and encourage boundaries. In our society of hustle culture, it can be hard to differentiate hard work and professional exploitation. The creation of boundaries is a preventative measure to keep our goals in all areas of our life.
Common red flags for each abuse are as follows:
Financial:
- Restricting access to funds or financial information
- This can look like a restricted allowance or withholding access to bank accounts
- Sabotaging employment
- Sometimes an abuser will use manipulation to prevent the acceptance of a new job or even seeking employment
- Misuse of finances
- Running up credit in the survivor’s name or depleting savings accounts with no communication or with manipulation
Emotional:
- Verbal attacks
- The use of criticism and name calling
- Insulting nicknames done in jest
- Blame-shifting
- Placing the responsibility for their behavior on the survivor
- A lack of accountability
- Digital Abuse
- Using technology to harass, intimidate, or stalk
Psychological:
- Gaslighting
- Minimizing concerns
- Accusing survivor of lying or misunderstanding a situation
- Accusations
- Becoming jealous or possessive,
- Isolation from friends or family
- At times stating family and friends do not care about them nor would believe them
- Stonewalling
- Giving the silent treatment as punishment or to create pressure to get what they want
- Love Bombing
- Showering with compliments, big gestures like gifts or experiences, in order to get the survivor to forgive without having to truly apologize
Relationships are difficult. Most toxic partners are often ideal in the beginning and after we’ve emotionally invested it can be hard to convince ourselves that our relationship is toxic. Being clear about what a healthy, respectful relationship is and expecting that is important in identifying boundaries in all types of relationships.
How can someone begin the healing process after leaving a toxic relationship? Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship”?
The first thing that needs to be done is end the relationship and discontinue contact. If it is a situation where dependents are involved, a strict boundary about what is discussed needs to be set. If the other person invites an argument, we can always decline by not participating. Without a clean break, the relationship can continue to emotionally drain you and keep you from moving on to focus on yourself.
- Sense of Responsibility- After my own toxic relationship ended, I found myself holding a strong belief that the majority of the toxicity landed on me. “Had I been quieter, had I just agreed…”but its not true. A toxic person is trying to control and my wanting to be heard was not wrong. After a toxic relationship, healing our own sense of responsibility, while taking accountability for our own behaviors, is part of the healing journey.
- Boundaries- During a toxic relationship the likelihood of porous or unestablished boundaries is high. Healing your sense of what you will accept and not accept while also identifying what it is you will be needing in relationships, can be a good roadmap to avoiding some toxic behaviors.
- Mindset- In my work with clients who are actively in a toxic relationship, I commonly hear, “What if they become better for someone else,” or “What if they are the best I’ll ever have.” Emotionally abusive relationships lead folks to believe that the only person in the world who can tolerate them is the abuser. A scarcity mindset in relationships can be difficult to work through. With this type of mindset, it can feel that what we are very limited in what we can achieve and have in life. Scarcity mindset is based in fear that we are not enough. Transforming scarcity mindset into an abundance mindset where we would believe that we are enough and that an abundance of good partners exist can help with the settling of toxic behaviors.
- Fear of being alone- Loneliness can be hard to accept. As humans we are designed to have connections and maintain some form of community. However, after a toxic relationship the fear of being alone is often in line with the feeling of abandonment. Many folks stay in toxic relationships because of a history of abandonment or even the fear of it. However, being alone isn’t always a bad thing. Healing the fears of abandonment and loneliness can be keys in finding peace within solitude and building trust within ourselves through self-reliance and resiliency.
- Relationship with yourself- After a toxic relationship, the most important thing to heal is the relationship with yourself. This relationship during the time of the toxic one was likely the least visited or invested relationship in your world. Holding self-compassion for yourself as you navigate this huge change is a challenge, but one that will bring you self-respect and self-esteem.
(***I understood this as “5 things you need in order to heal” as well- so the following is that***)
1 . Grieve- Grief after something has ended is the first step in moving on. Grieving a toxic relationship not only includes grieving the relationship, all its good and all its bad, but it also is important to grieve the potential of the relationship. Seeing the possibility of how good a relationship can be is sometimes what keeps us in these toxic relationships. Mourning the loss helps us to welcome change and transformation.
At the end of my own toxic relationship, I found myself in and out of the different stages of grief. I felt angry, I struggled with “what ifs”, and I was deeply sad. Fighting the grief never helped, I tried. I thought, “Why am I feeling this deeply if I know this was wrong?” The truth is: it was a loss. A loss of him, a loss of who I thought he was, who I thought I was, my time, friends, and ultimately, a loss of myself. Accepting this was the first step I needed to move forward.
2. Self-Nurture- Self care is great, although often affiliated with a new haircut or massage. Self-nurturing is much deeper. After a toxic relationship its important to invest in yourself unapologetically, maybe even with the same intensity we had in the toxic relationship. Self-nurturing is encouraging the personal development of yourself. This will look like creating goals for yourself, trying new things, healing negative thoughts about ourselves, and treating ourselves with respect and love. Through self-nurturing we create a strong and healthy emotional connection with ourselves.
I personally struggled with self-nurturing following my breakup. After the relationship, I felt so distant from myself I wasn’t sure who I was anymore. I thought taking care of myself included relaxing activities like getting my nails or hair done, I thought maybe in going out with my friends, I thought even in dating casually. While those things were great, the results were fleeting. True self-nurturing began when I intentionally practiced mindfulness and gratitude daily. I set new goals for myself in how often I would see my family, how many times I tried a new experience, and found peace in being alone.
3. Learn your Values- I find that when my clients are having the most difficulty with feeling disconnected with themselves, as many do after a toxic relationship, a return to value identification is helpful. Reconnecting and maybe even discovering what personal values guide us can lead to the creation of healthy relationships. Values change as we endure different things in life. At one time loyalty may have been at the top of your list, but identifying what boundaries come along with loyalty can give you a better understanding of what you are willing to tolerate. Values are also a great way to set intention and goals for yourself. Value adventure? Now as a single healing person you can intentionally strive for that.
Values had always been clear to me. What I did not expect was how far from a value-based life I was living while in my toxic relationship. I always boosted that my top value was family, yet I found myself hiding how unhappy I was from the people I loved most. I always valued kindness but often accepted unkind words and even was unkind myself in defense. Realigning with a value-based life helped me to refocus on what I want and what I deserve.
4. Create Boundaries- Boundaries are an essential part of healthy relationships. Often toxic relationships lack boundaries which increases the toxicity. Boundaries are best made with our value system in mind. For example, if we value honesty, a boundary for our relationships my be “Dishonesty about fidelity will not be tolerated, and if it were to happen we leave the relationship.” Boundaries are meant to be self-guiding not rules for others. If someone crosses a boundary of yours the responsibility lies in you to make a change.
Boundaries can be difficult. I found them particularly hard with a partner who was so good at manipulation that when I set a boundary, he had a tricky way of making me feel like that the boundary was radical. Reminding myself after the smoke cleared that boundaries are not meant for negotiation or approval by others helped to create a sense of self-respect I had once lost.
5. Self-Compassion- Toxic relationships often give the illusion that if we had acted or done something differently maybe the other person would have too. Many toxic partners are also quite good at deflecting accountability, which can be haunting. The practice of self-compassion calls for kindness and understanding for ourselves despite failure and inadequacy. Self-compassion following a toxic relationship can be difficult, especially with all of the internalized harshness we endured during that relationship. However, cultivating self-compassion grants us permission to be human and to move forward in a more respectful way for ourselves.
Following my own toxic relationship, I think self-compassion required the most work. I think it becomes easy to adopt many of the unhealthy beliefs my ex-partner had about me. Self-compassion felt self-indulgent, like pity, and weak, until I truly sat with why I thought that way. The truth was I was used to hearing where my worth should be, but I was a person before him and she felt differently, the person after him learned how to be compassionate and build true self-esteem.
Following financial abuse, what actionable strategies can individuals employ to rebuild their lives and achieve financial independence? What resources are instrumental in this process?
First things first- this is where self-compassion can be very important. Rebuilding after all types of abuse takes time and financial abuse is no different. However, financial abuse can feel particularly overwhelming, especially when children or other dependents are involved. While I am not a financial advisor, I do think financial independence begins with creating an actionable plan to help rebuild finances. This includes educating yourself on credit, financial planning, and possible resources in your community to assist with this. Many local domestic violence organizations could be a place to start when looking for resources. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a great resource which can be reached at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233).
Freeform.org is an amazing organization with resources for those affected by financial abuse.
For those impacted by multiple forms of abuse, what comprehensive strategies and support systems are most effective in facilitating their healing journey?
After leaving an abusive relationship, there can be a feeling of urgency to get unstuck. Mindfulness is a great strategy to help with being present and creating acceptance and reduce rumination. A support system that is non-judgmental and can empower is also helpful throughout a healing journey. Additionally, a therapist who can give clarity in how abusers work, can help build coping skills for better boundaries, and who can help increase a survivor’s self-compassion can be a helpful resource for processing.
What strategies can survivors use to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence?
Restoring confidence is difficult but not impossible. Self-compassion is my favorite thing to bring up with my clients, especially those leaving a toxic relationship. Self-compassion calls us to be one with our own suffering and find kindness for ourselves and understand our own humanity. Understanding our accountability while applying new boundaries within ourselves to invest more lovingly into ourselves can help build our self-esteem. I also believe a return to ourselves is another great strategy. We can do this by returning to activities we enjoy, trying new experiences, or creating new goals for ourselves.
How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?
Friends and family validating the experiences for the survivor is important. Someone in recovery from psychological abuse is coming back to being able to trust themselves again. They’ve been told they wouldn’t be believed, they wouldn’t be loved, and they wouldn’t be able to survive without their partner. It is not uncommon for a recovering person to believe these ideas in the early stages of recovery. Validation provides assurance that the experience the survivor is experiencing is true and can add to the trust and compassion that is needed to be built. Additionally, being non-judgmental in this validation is vital.
What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?
Therapy is a great way to process and deconstruct abuse and abusive tactics in an non-judgmental space. Learning effective coping strategies and increasing self-awareness is essential in healing after an abusive relationship. Therapy is also a great place to learn how to identify our own unhealthy thought patterns and uncomfortable emotions and how to redirect them into a healthier and more productive mindset. Additionally, rebuilding our sense of self-worth is helpful to do through therapy.
Finding the right therapist is sometimes like finding the right relationship. Identifying the therapist’s specialty is important to know to understand if they are a good fit. Therapists often offer a free consolation where folks can ask about expertise, strategy, and see if the overall vibe feels comfortable. The main mistake I see clients make is settling for a therapist they feel uncomfortable with. The amount of comfort you feel with your therapist will correlate with how effectively and how quickly you will process deeper rooted concerns.
Individuals can look to local organizations who focus on family violence or intimate partner violence for therapists and other resources. Additional resources for accessing therapy is the use of Openpathcollective.org which offers therapy at a reduced cost.
Could you name a few organizations or professionals that provide crucial support for individuals seeking to restart their lives after experiencing abuse, particularly when they have dependents relying on them?
The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s website or hotline number is a great way to connect with resources in your area that will help with specific needs. https://www.thehotline.org/ 1–800–799-SAFE(7233)
The National Resource Center on Domestic Violence is another. https://www.nrcdv.org/
Lastly, the National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma, and Mental Health https://ncdvtmh.org/
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
I would love to see a world where mental health healing is both destigmatized and accessible. I’m a firm believer that therapy could be helpful to almost anyone, whether its through learning new coping skills, learning how to create and execute boundaries, or process trauma, being a human is hard- I don’t think we were meant to do it alone.
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
My website: www.adelantecounselingtx.com
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com .
