Healing from Toxic Relationships: Dr. Nicole Andreoli On How To Survive And Thrive After Psychological Abuse

Educating yourself on the dynamics of psychological abuse, trauma responses, and recovery strategies can help you better understand and support the survivor. Learn about resources, support services, and coping strategies that may be helpful for the survivor and encourage them to access additional support as needed.

Psychological abuse can leave deep and lasting scars, affecting all aspects of a person’s life. Healing from such toxic relationships requires resilience, support, and effective strategies. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Dr. Nicole Andreoli, PhD.

As a licensed clinical psychologist, Dr. Nicole Andreoli, PhD works primarily from a cognitive behavioral framework. She has experience working with children, adolescents, and adults to address a wide range of social, emotional, and behavioral issues. Dr. Andreoli has an extensive background in the areas of psychological assessment and has conducted psychological and neuropsychological evaluations at Hofstra University’s Saltzman Center, Long Island Jewish Hospital’s Nerken Center for Research as well as in private practice. Her extensive assessment experience was the basis of her Amazon bestselling book, “Mindfulness & the ADHD Parent: Cultivating Calm and Building Connection.”

Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?

I’ve always had a strong interest in psychology and brain and behavior. I originally pursued a doctoral degree in Industrial Organizational Psychology. My first job post-graduation was working with patients with Alzheimer’s Disease and studying the impact of specialized nurse training on their psychological outcomes. I felt so drawn to neuropsychology that I went back to school and pursued a PhD in Clinical Psychology. It was a long journey to become a clinical psychologist, but it put my career on the right path. I am so happy and fulfilled with the work that I do. (But, if I wasn’t a psychologist, I think I would be a pastry chef).

You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?

1. I think my stubbornness (in a positive way) has been extremely instrumental to my success. Throughout my education and training, I faced many obstacles and hardships, but was determined to persevere in order to reach my goals. In my clinical work, I think this trait shows up as advocating for my clients and persisting in the pursuit of positive outcomes for them. Over the course of my career, I have had several clients who were suffering from treatment resistant depression or multiple traumas where traditional therapeutic protocols seemed minimally affective. My “stubbornness” here allowed me to maintain a steadfast belief in their potential for growth and healing, to meet the clients where they were on their therapeutic journey, and to seek out and offer alternative strategies and interventions.
2. A complement that I seem to receive often, both professionally from clients, as well as personally as a friend, parent and partner is that I am able to remain poised and balanced across situations. I think that I am attuned to my emotions and have a well-developed ability to self-regulate my emotional experiences, which helps me to stay grounded and manage stress. Professionally, I think this ability to emotionally regulate allows me to provide a sense of safety and be fully present and responsive to clients. It also enhances my capacity to provide empathetic, reliable, and consistent support, particularly during emotionally charged sessions.
3. Having compassion for both myself and others has definitely played an important role in my success as a clinical psychologist. I try to practice self-compassion. I do this in the form of self-care, which helps with maintaining emotional balance and preventing burnout, all of which in turn, allows me to show up as a present and empathetic therapist for my clients. By extending compassion to others, I strive to create a safe and supportive environment where my clients can feel understood, accepted and valued, leading to stronger therapeutic relationships and more positive outcomes.

Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. Let’s start with a simple definition so that we are all on the same page. How would you define a Toxic Relationship?

I think defining a toxic relationship that applies universally to all individuals is challenging because relationships are inherently complex and dynamic, and they are shaped by countless variables such as individual personalities, past experiences, cultural backgrounds, and social contexts. The perception of what constitutes a toxic relationship can vary greatly from person to person. Some individuals may be more tolerant of certain negative behaviors or may have different thresholds for what they consider to be harmful or damaging in a relationship. Personal values, beliefs, and boundaries also play a significant role in shaping one’s perception of relationship dynamics.

Furthermore, relationships exist on a spectrum, and what may be unhealthy or toxic in one moment or situation may not be the case in another. Some relationships may have occasional toxic elements but overall be supportive and loving, while others may exhibit toxic patterns consistently.

That said, a key component of a toxic relationship to me, is the detrimental effect the relationship has on one’s mental health. This can be the result of patterns of behavior that are emotionally damaging, such as manipulation, gaslighting, or emotional abuse. This may be due to relationships that are characterized by a lack of trust, communication, and respect between individuals, leading to high levels of stress and conflict. This may also be due to relationships that are characterized by a power imbalance, where one individual exerts control and dominance over the other through manipulation, coercion, or intimidation. This imbalance can lead to feelings of helplessness, fear, and insecurity in the targeted individual, resulting in long-term psychological harm.

Another psychological way of defining toxic relationships is that they often involve a cycle of conflict, apology, and reconciliation, creating a pattern of dysfunction and instability. This cycle can trap individuals in a constant state of turmoil and emotional distress, making it difficult to break free and establish healthier relationships.

What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in various types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?

It’s important to be aware that there isn’t always a universal definition of abuse. Abuse can manifest differently in each relationship, as the dynamics of abuse are complex and can vary based on factors such as the abuser’s tactics, the victim’s vulnerabilities, and the overall power dynamic in the relationship. There are 7 common patterns to abuse:

1. Verbal and Emotional Aggression: This can include name-calling, insults, threats, yelling, or belittling behavior that is intended to undermine the victim’s self-esteem and confidence.
2. Manipulation and Control: Abusers may use tactics such as gaslighting (making the victim doubt their perception of reality), coercion, guilt-tripping, or isolation to gain control over the victim.
3. Constant Criticism and Blame: The abuser may constantly criticize the victim’s actions, appearance, or choices, and shift blame onto the victim for any issues or problems in the relationship.
4. Threats and Intimidation: Threatening behavior, intimidation, or use of fear to control the victim is a common tactic in emotional and psychological abuse.
5. Undermining Self-Worth: Abusers may undermine the victim’s self-worth, confidence, and independence by constantly devaluing them or making them feel inadequate.
6. Emotional Neglect: Ignoring the victim’s emotional needs, withholding affection, or refusing to communicate can also be forms of emotional and psychological abuse.
7. Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates the victim into questioning their own reality, memory, or sanity.

Specific signs of emotional, financial, and psychological include:

Emotional Abuse:

• Verbal insults, belittling, or name-calling.
• Manipulative behaviors, such as gaslighting or guilt-tripping.
• Isolation from friends and family.
• Controlling behavior, such as monitoring activities or restricting freedom.
• Unpredictable mood swings or emotional outbursts.

Financial Abuse:

• Controlling access to money or financial resources.
• Exploiting finances for personal gain without consent.
• Pressuring or coercing someone into financial decisions.
• Withholding financial information or resources as a form of control.
• Sabotaging financial stability or independence.

Psychological Abuse:

• Threats of harm or violence.
• Intimidation, bullying, or coercion.
• Excessive criticism or blaming.
• Undermining self-worth or confidence.
• Using power differentials to maintain control.

How can someone begin the healing process after leaving a toxic relationship? Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship”?

1. Time — Healing after a toxic relationship takes time. You need to give yourself the space and time to process your emotions and move on from the pain you experienced. I recently had a client end a toxic relationship after several years. I encouraged her to give herself time and space to grieve, and to acknowledge and feel the full range of emotions that came with the ending of this relationship. In addition to working through emotions, we also used this time to work on healing, reflecting on the dynamics of the relationship and pursuing personal growth and self-empowerment.
2. Support — Surrounding yourself with a solid support system is crucial for healing after a toxic relationship. I encourage my clients to build their supportive community. For example, friends, family, a church, a therapist and / or group therapy can provide collective support and play a crucial role in helping to heal, grow, and move forward from a toxic relationship. In my sessions, I stress the importance of surrounding yourself with those who can provide a safe space so that you can express feelings and emotions without judgement. Your supportive community should offer words of encouragement and validation, and remind you of your worth, strength, resilience and how much progress you have made! Previous clients of mine have also found practical assistance to be incredibly helpful — such as having help moving out of a shared home or finding a new living arrangement — all of which can be very overwhelming.
3. Forgiveness — Forgiving yourself is an important part of the healing process after a toxic relationship. In my experience, common narratives after leaving a toxic relationship include, I stayed too long; I should have known better; It’s my fault. Holding onto self-blame, guilt, anger, and shame will only further negatively impact your emotional and mental well-being. These emotions can lead to feelings of low self-esteem, and can increase depression and stress levels, as well as prevent you from moving on and healing from the toxic relationship.
4. Cognitive Restructuring — Cognitive restructuring is a therapeutic process that involves challenging negative thought patterns that undoubtedly can arrive from a toxic relationship. I am a huge advocate of this approach. Following a toxic relationship, it is not uncommon to start to internalize negative self-beliefs, such as This was my fault; I deserve this; I’ll never find someone else; I’m broken; or No one will ever love me. These thoughts can impact levels of self-esteem, anxiety and depression. Identifying and challenging these thoughts can help with healing, mental and emotional well-being and can help you develop a more positive and empowered belief system about yourself and relationships.
5. Trauma Processing — By definition, toxic relationships involve some level of emotional, physical, or psychological abuse. Those emotional wounds may require trauma processing techniques to help address, process and heal from the experience. The three types of trauma therapies I typically encourage include:

• Cognitive Processing Therapy — Help individuals identify and challenge distorted beliefs about themselves, their worth, relationships, and safety that may have been reinforced by the toxic dynamics.
• Narrative Therapy — Help individuals make sense of their experiences, exploring the impact of the relationship on their sense of self, beliefs, and relationships, and rewrite their narrative in a way that promotes healing and growth.
• Somatic Experiencing — A body-oriented therapy approach that focuses on healing trauma through the body’s natural self-regulation processes. This modality recognizes that trauma is not just stored in the mind but also in the body and aims to help individuals release the physical and emotional stress and tension associated with traumatic experiences.

For those impacted by multiple forms of abuse, what comprehensive strategies and support systems are most effective in facilitating their healing journey?

For individuals impacted by multiple forms of abuse, a comprehensive approach to healing that addresses the interconnected effects of these traumas is essential. Here are some effective strategies and support systems that can facilitate their healing journey:

1. Safety Planning and Boundary Setting: Developing safety plans and setting healthy boundaries are essential strategies for survivors of multiple forms of abuse to protect themselves from further harm, establish self-care practices, and create a sense of safety. Safety planning involves identifying triggers, coping strategies, and emergency contacts to support individuals during times of distress. Setting healthy boundaries in relationships and daily life helps survivors assert their needs, protect their well-being, and establish a sense of autonomy and self-respect.
2. Trauma Informed Therapy: Survivors of multiple forms of abuse often suffer from trauma- and PTSD-related symptoms such as flashbacks, anxiety, and depression. A trauma informed therapist can help individuals process past traumas, regulate their emotions, and develop coping strategies to address the impact of multiple forms of abuse. They will also provide a safe space for individuals to explore their experiences, heal from past traumas, and build resilience.
3. Support Groups and Peer Networks: Joining support groups, survivor communities, or peer networks for individuals impacted by abuse can offer a powerful source of emotional support. Engaging with others who have shared similar experiences provides a sense of validation, understanding, and solidarity. Sharing stories, insights, and coping strategies with peers can help survivors feel less alone, reduce feelings of isolation, and foster a sense of community and belonging.
4. Supportive Counseling, or Psychoeducation: Can help individuals understand the effects of emotional abuse and develop strategies for self-care and resilience. Psychoeducation should also focus on anger management, building self-esteem and empowerment.

What strategies can survivors use to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence?

Survivors of abuse often face significant challenges in rebuilding their self-esteem and confidence after experiencing trauma. Reclaiming a sense of self-worth, empowerment, and self-assurance is a crucial aspect of the healing process. I recommend the following strategies to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence:

1. Working with a trauma informed therapist can provide survivors with a safe and supportive environment to address the impact of abuse on their self-esteem and confidence. Therapy can help survivors explore the root causes of their low self-esteem, challenge negative beliefs about themselves, and develop coping strategies to rebuild their self-worth.
2. Practicing self-compassion is vital. Self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, especially in the face of difficult emotions or experiences. Survivors of abuse can cultivate self-compassion by practicing self-care, mindfulness, and self-soothing techniques. Acknowledging their own worth, validating their emotions, and offering themselves kindness can help survivors gradually shift their self-critical inner dialogue and build a more nurturing relationship with themselves.
3. Creating positive affirmations that reflect your strengths, values, and achievements, and then visualizing yourself succeeding, thriving, and feeling confident can help shift your mindset and boost self-esteem. Regularly practicing positive affirmations and visualization can help reinforce a more positive self-perception over time.
4. Surrounding yourself with supportive, understanding, and caring individuals is an important component of enhancing self-esteem and confidence. Connecting with friends, family members, support groups, or peer networks that offer validation, empathy, and encouragement can create a sense of belonging, empowerment, and trust.
5. Engaging in creative outlets, hobbies, or activities that promote self-expression, personal growth, and a sense of mastery can be empowering. I always stress the role that exploring interests, talents, and passions plays in bringing joy, fulfillment, and a sense of accomplishment — all of which can boost self-esteem.
6. Those who survive abuse likely have internalized negative beliefs about themselves that impact self-esteem and confidence. Identifying and challenging these negative self-talk patterns, core beliefs, and self-limiting narratives is essential for rebuilding self-esteem. Cognitive restructuring techniques, such as reframing negative thoughts, gathering evidence for positive qualities, and practicing self-affirmations, can help survivors replace self-defeating beliefs with more accurate, balanced, and empowering self-perceptions.

How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?

Support from friends and family members plays a vital role in the recovery process of someone who is recovering from psychological abuse. While everyone’s needs may vary, here are my top seven tips for how to best support someone who is recovering:

1. One of the most important ways to support someone recovering from psychological abuse is to listen to their experiences without judgment and to validate their feelings. Allow them to share their emotions, thoughts, and experiences without interruption or invalidation.
2. Providing emotional support by offering reassurance, comfort, and encouragement can help the survivor feel safe and believed. Expressing care, empathy, and understanding can create a supportive environment for the survivor to process their emotions, heal from the abuse, and build resilience. Letting the survivor know that they are not alone, and that you are there for them, can be reassuring and comforting.
3. It is important to respect the survivor’s autonomy and choices as they navigate their healing journey. Avoid pressuring or imposing your opinions on them, and instead, empower them to make decisions that feel right for their recovery. Encourage autonomy, empowerment, and self-determination by respecting their boundaries, choices, and pace of healing.
4. Be Patient and Understanding: Recovery from psychological abuse is a complex and non-linear process that may involve setbacks, challenges, and fluctuations in emotions. Being patient, understanding, and supportive through the ups and downs of the survivor’s healing journey is essential. Offer patience, empathy, and non-judgmental support as they navigate their recovery process.
5. Encourage Professional Help: Encouraging the survivor to seek professional help. Mental health professionals can provide the survivor with specialized support, tools, and coping strategies to address the psychological impact of the abuse and work through their emotions in a safe and therapeutic environment.
6. Educating yourself on the dynamics of psychological abuse, trauma responses, and recovery strategies can help you better understand and support the survivor. Learn about resources, support services, and coping strategies that may be helpful for the survivor and encourage them to access additional support as needed.
7. Respect Confidentiality: It is crucial to respect the survivor’s privacy and confidentiality when discussing their experiences of psychological abuse. Avoid sharing personal information or details about the survivor’s situation without their consent and prioritize confidentiality in your interactions with them. Creating a safe and trustworthy space where the survivor feels respected and valued can foster trust and open communication in the supportive relationship.

What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?

Therapy plays a crucial role in recovering from psychological abuse, as therapy provides a validating and empowering space to process trauma, emotions, and negative beliefs. Therapists trained in trauma-informed approaches help survivors build coping skills, resilience, and self-awareness to navigate challenges and establish healthier relationships. Therapy can also be helpful in processing trust issues, rebuilding self-esteem, and fostering healthier relationships.

When looking for a therapist, consider factors such as the therapist’s area of expertise, treatment approach, personality, availability, and cost. As a survivor of abuse, it is important to ensure that the therapist is trauma informed and has significant education and experience in providing trauma supported care. It may be helpful to ask for recommendations from trusted sources, researching therapists online and contacting mental health clinics or organizations.

The fit between therapist and client is crucial to building a strong therapeutic alliance and can significantly impact the effectiveness of therapy. Therefore, I highly recommend scheduling initial consultations to assess compatibility before committing to a full therapy session.

Unfortunately, there are numerous barriers to accessing therapy. Check with your insurance provider for a list of covered therapists and consider utilizing therapy platforms that can help with connecting to therapists with immediate availability. Check with your workplace to see if they offer employee assistance programs for mental health. Additionally, community resources, support groups, and helplines can provide immediate assistance and alternative guidance in accessing mental health care.

What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?

I can be found on Instagram or tiktok @DrNicole_NY

This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.

About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com .