Forgive yourself. Their problems are not yours to carry. You did not know any better at the time and were not understanding the entire situation as you do by hindsight being 20/20. Forgiving them and yourself, is not casting blame. It is letting the pain and darkness go, and allowing light in.
Psychological abuse can leave deep and lasting scars, affecting all aspects of a person’s life. Healing from such toxic relationships requires resilience, support, and effective strategies. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Andrea B Denney.
She founded Caregiver4MemoryLoss.com to help women aged 30–65 who unexpectedly become caregivers of loved ones with early-onset or PTSD-related cognitive memory loss to overcome fear, uncertainty, and overwhelm to a place of acceptance, growth, and resilience, so they can be the best caregiver they can without reaching their breaking point.
Thank you for joining us! Before we begin, it would be wonderful if you could share a bit about your backstory. We would love to get to know you better.
Atthe age of seventeen, I faced the daunting prospect of navigating life without my family for the third time. Shortly after, at 18, I entered marriage. Unfortunately, at almost twenty experienced postpartum depression, which eventually led to the development of bipolar disorder type 1. To add to my struggles, my child was taken by his father, and I spent six long years trying to find him. Throughout this time, I endured two emotionally abusive marriages, both of which ended in divorce.
Additionally, I was diagnosed with PTSD due to the immense stress I had endured, which caused two consecutive stroke-like conditions resulting from refractory-complex migraines and PTSD. This left me bedridden for nine months out of the year for 12 years. When I finally reunited with my son and fought for custody, I experienced a mentally abusive breakdown triggered by my first husband.
Despite these adversities, I found the strength to create over four businesses since 2020. In 2020, I underwent surgery to achieve a significant weight loss of 175 pounds, transforming my physical well-being. This weight loss not only allowed me to walk miles again, but also shifted my mindset in incredible ways.
Now, as an Entrepreneur, Founder of Caregiver 4 Memory Loss, CPD and IAPC Accredited Coach, Inspirational Speaker, Podcaster, Author, and 24/7 Caregiver to my wonderful husband of 21 years, who is currently on home hospice care, I have also discovered a passion for Landscape Photography. I empower others to navigate the complexities of life while gracefully and resiliently balancing multiple roles. My unique insights and experiences make me an invaluable asset to the community. I am particularly dedicated to supporting women in their entrepreneurial journeys and helping those in the caregiver role for loved ones suffering from early-onset or PTSD-related cognitive memory loss. My goal is to guide them in overcoming fear, stress, uncertainty, and overwhelm, preventing them from reaching their breaking point. Through the creation of a supportive community of like-minded women, no one must feel alone or unsupported. With my unwavering dedication, others find inspiration, practical advice, and the support they need to thrive.
Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?
Throughout my journey, I have faced numerous challenges and transitions in my career. One of the most interesting stories comes from the time I owned a Real Estate Photography business. Unfortunately, a medical condition affected my neck, causing Parkinson-like movements that made it impossible for me to look backward or upward. This limitation prevented me from flying drones or photographing homes for sale, leading to the closure of that business. It was a difficult decision, but I recognized the need to adapt.
Afterward, I became a Life Insurance Agent at a firm that proved to be detrimental to my mental health. The trainer’s relentless demands for more, better, and greater achievements, while aggressively yelling, while making the meetings mandatory to sit through them triggered a flare-up of my PTSD. My doctor advised me that it was not the best environment for someone with my condition, and I knew I needed to make a change.
I then ventured into the world of Digital Marketing with my own agency. However, the emergence of Artificial Intelligence (AI) had a significant impact on the industry. Many individuals began utilizing AI to create their own SEO and marketing agencies, making it challenging to compete. The landscape had changed, and I needed to reassess my approach.
It was during this time that I pursued my International Accreditation for Life Coaching, leveraging my natural inclination to support and guide others. Coaching had always been a part of my life, as friends and acquaintances often turned to me for advice and guidance. I felt a sense of purpose and fulfillment in this field, and as I continued my studies, I achieved my Stage 3 Coaching Accreditation. Currently, I am working towards stages 4 and 5.
Throughout my coaching journey, I had the opportunity to join forces with Dr. Stephanie Wilson at She’s In Business Global. I wanted to ensure that I built a business that aligned with my life rather than sacrificing my life for my business. With her guidance, I enrolled in her “Expert to CEO” program, initially focusing on Corporate Caregiver Coaching. However, everything changed when my husband entered home hospice care, and I became his primary caregiver. I realized the immense lack of support for caregivers of loved ones with early-onset or PTSD-related cognitive memory loss.
Now, you may wonder why I have experienced multiple business shifts and transitions. While some may view them as failures, I see them as valuable steppingstones on my path to discovering my true calling as a coach and course creator. Each experience provided me with invaluable knowledge and understanding, shaping my ability to thrive in my current role. For me, the only failure in life is when you stop. So instead, I have a phrase I use often, do not Stop: Pivot! It is about embracing new knowledge and redirecting my efforts. I passionately believe in the mantra: Do not Stop: Pivot. As it is the act of getting back up, brushing off the dirt, and continuing the race.
I hope this story provides insight into the lessons I have learned and the resilience I have developed throughout my career.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
First, one of the key traits that contributed to my success is my ability to fight my way out of the victim mindset. A turning point for me was when I had the opportunity to meet with a friend who ran a non-profit coaching organization. We would meet regularly for our “God, Coffee, and Business” sessions. During that year of in-depth self-study, I began to realize that I had been giving my power away to those who had hurt me in the past. I had almost allowed them to break me. Recognizing this, I made a conscious decision to reclaim my power and let go of the victim mentality. It was a transformative experience that allowed me to embrace a more empowered mindset.
Second, another crucial trait that has contributed to my success is taking responsibility for my own life. I came to understand that taking responsibility does not mean justifying the actions of others or accepting their behavior as right. Instead, it is about recognizing that harboring anger and hurt only keeps us trapped in misery. It is like forgiveness — letting go of negative emotions benefits us more than dwelling on who was right or wrong. By shifting my focus from the victim mindset to one of personal responsibility, I was able to break free from the barriers that were holding me back. It allowed me to cultivate a positive mindset of growth and understanding.
Lastly, I have learned to see the challenges I faced as blessings in disguise. Despite the hardships and adversities, I encountered, I now view them as opportunities for growth and transformation. I believe that if I had not gone through those difficult experiences, I would not have become the strong and resilient person I am today. I have learned to actively seek the “blessings in the curses” of life, finding strength and wisdom in the face of adversity.
These three character traits — breaking free from the victim mindset, taking responsibility for my life, and finding blessings in the curses — have been fundamental to my success as a leader. They have allowed me to overcome obstacles, grow personally and professionally, and lead with resilience and positivity.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
My coaching business is on the verge of its full launch, and I could not be more excited. Currently, I am working closely with my beta testing group, fine-tuning every aspect before the official launch. Once it is fully out of the beta phase and live, I cannot wait to fully immerse myself in this endeavor. While my best hope is that my husband will be able to witness this milestone, I understand that life is unpredictable. Regardless of the outcome, I am committed to carrying his supportive memory with me, whether in life or in memory. I passionately believe that he is proud of me and that his love will guide me no matter what the future holds. If my faith remains at the forefront of my journey, I will have lived my life well.
In terms of the focus of my coaching business, it is clear-cut. I aim to support anyone within my niche, particularly caregivers and the families who surround them. The impact of caregiving reaches far beyond the individual caregiver. By providing guidance and support, I strive to create a calmer home environment, alleviating the strife and hardships commonly faced by caregivers. This has a ripple effect on the entire family unit. Children no longer feel confused and upset when the caregiver is overwhelmed and unable to manage even the simplest tasks. The presence of a more peaceful and stable home environment also benefits the well-being of the sick loved one. Individuals with cognitive memory loss find it challenging to adapt to change, whether it is a fixed mealtime or a visit to the emergency room. My husband and I have created a comprehensive checklist for every ER visit, which we offer for free on our website. Before implementing this checklist, my husband would experience emotional overload during every visit, despite the critical nature of the situation. However, with the checklist and his familiar comfort items, such as his phone, tablet, electrical cords, and favorite pillow, he now manages these visits like a champion. It has made a tremendous difference in his ability to cope and find comfort in such challenging circumstances.
For those who are walking a path of hardships, I want them to know that even in the darkest of times, there is a glimmer of light at the end. I encourage them to run towards that light, knowing that as they draw closer, it grows brighter and brighter. This ability to find blessings in the curses is the most promising aspect of the work I do. I am not solely coaching caregivers; I am also here to support their entire support network, including family, friends, and anyone who witnesses the struggles and understands the profound challenges they face. One of our core values is to offer guidance that enables individuals to not just survive but to thrive.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let us shift to the main focus of our interview. Let us start with a simple definition so that we are all on the same page. How would you define a Toxic Relationship?
A toxic relationship refers to any relationship, be it with a parent, sibling, partner, or even someone else, where one person consistently tears down the other. This can stem from a need for control or their own insecurities. Verbal and emotional abuse often accompany toxic relationships, making them difficult to heal from. It is important to recognize the signs and prioritize our emotional well-being by setting boundaries and fostering healthy relationships.
What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in several types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?
In romantic relationships, emotional abuse can manifest through aggressive verbal communication, threats, manipulation, and isolation. I have personally experienced the pain of emotional abuse in a past relationships. My ex-husband constantly belittled me, making demeaning remarks about my appearance and abilities. It took time for me to recognize that this behavior was emotional abuse and gather the strength to address it.
Financial abuse in romantic relationships can involve controlling finances, giving allowances without input, or pressuring one to quit their job. I have witnessed the devastating effects of financial abuse in the lives of friends. Their partners dictated their spending, leaving them feeling trapped and financially dependent. Over time, they sought support and took steps to regain control of their financial independence.
Psychological abuse, which can occur in any relationship, often leads to low self-esteem and difficulties in emotional regulation. I have observed the profound impact of psychological abuse within family dynamics. For instance, my mother’s struggles with mental health made it challenging for her to emotionally manage my own emerging mental health disorders. This led to a cycle of abuse where I was denied the right to be sick and accused of seeking attention during asthma attacks or anxiety episodes. For example, my grandmother had schizophrenia and due to my mother being in that early on in her life she couldn’t emotionally handle my mental health disorders that were starting to manifest, (ex. Generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, among others as all were gearing me towards the beginnings of bipolar 1 disorder that would fully take over later on in my journey. Due to other family members lying and manipulating her, ex: It was the eighties, and my brother told my mother that I was huffing my hairspray and threatening to spray the walls and burn the house. Not one bit of that was true. You guys that are old enough to remember the 80’s, to waste Aqua Net hairspray would have been a sin if it was used in any way but to make your hair stick up and out by one foot up and 6 inches on each side was a true unspoken sin! So anyway, that was the first time I was sent to move in with my alcoholic father after their divorce.) Her insecurities from her life lead her to believe the lies and take her frustrations out on me. I was not allowed to be sick. I was told during asthma attacks I just wanted attention. I was told every trip we went on that I got sick because I had the generalized anxiety disorder, that only got diagnosed after I was on my own at 17 due to, I was just doing the anxiety attacks for attention as well.
In professional relationships, abuse can manifest when one’s exceptional work ethic threatens others. I have personally experienced this in the workplace. My dedication and high performance made colleagues feel inadequate, resulting in a hostile work environment. Recognizing the toxic dynamics, I chose to prioritize my well-being and left those positions.
Recognizing and addressing abuse requires self-awareness and support from trusted individuals. It is important to set boundaries, seek professional help if necessary, and, if applicable, report the abuse to relevant authorities or seek legal assistance. However, it is equally important to acknowledge that each situation is unique, and the healing journey may vary for individuals.
How can someone begin the healing process after leaving a toxic relationship? Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship”?
1 . Accept they are broken people too and forgive them. Yet do not allow them to control your feelings and actions.
For me this was hard. I knew parts of the stories of those that did harm but until I was an adult it did not make sense. Then as I started to realize how broken those around me were also, forgiveness set me free, and I needed to do the same for the others before me that caused the hurt. I did so not for them, but for me to quit the blame game and start creating a more emotionally stable situation for my life.
2 . Forgive yourself. Their problems are not yours to carry. You did not know any better at the time and were not understanding the entire situation as you do by hindsight being 20/20. Forgiving them and yourself, is not casting blame. It is letting the pain and darkness go, and allowing light in.
This one was out of my comfort zone as my mental state moved from breaking free from the blame game, I realized I needed to do so for myself as well. I realized that your best changes from moment to moment and God does not ask anything but your best. Not Perfection. Just do your best every day. Sometimes that is a little and sometimes that is more. The best is all he asks of us.
3 . Learn to rely on God for that forgiveness as he forgave you for your transgressions. Find that calm place within yourself and allow yourself to heal.
By living by no real standards but emotional survival for most of my childhood and young adulthood and feeling like I was not loveable, I needed to lean on God’s viewpoint and not my own. This led to truly not just forgiving myself but finding a new way of life that was not filled with stress from my past and allowed me to grow into the resilient woman I have become not the broken woman I was previously. This brought out so much positive light in my life and all came from my current husband of 21 years helped me realize I am not only loveable but that the woman I could become and would become in the next years, was a light out in the world and that needed to be seen, heard and loved also. I just had to not live in a place of reaction.
4 . Take back control of your life by not living it in victim mindset but one of responsibility as you have a new day every morning you wake up to do better than the last. This gives you the ability to create a path of positive growth and an abundance mindset that helps you stay present and positive leading those that are positive around you to be on that journey with you to heal and NOT Survive but Thrive.
We have a mantra we say when we hit challenging times like the medical hardships my current husband and I have faced and are facing now with him on home hospice. “You have a choice… You can either laugh or cry about it… and we CHOOSE to laugh.” I quit seeing myself as a victim and allowed myself a mindset of not one of a Pheonix that burns up when you fall, but one of an Eagle that soars high above and that Picture shift in my mind was the point of every morning getting up and decide every day how can I be a better person today than I was yesterday. Many dreams of changing… But I choose to put it in action.
5 . Create for yourself actionable steps every day to create the you that you want to be and take the actionable steps as if you already are that person. Not just a dream but a positive direction for yourself to prove to no one but yourself that you are Seen as Capable, You are Heard (as your story matters), and You are LOVED (by a God of mercy and enlightenment and among those that can be your family of the heart.)
Dreams and Goals are great. Though, do not let that be the only steps you take. Those die and get forgotten easily just ask the gym you have available to you and that you even signed up to, but never made it more than a handful of times and you still carry that same New Years Resolution every year to lose weight. Why does that not work? Because you did not put it in actionable steps in consistency to create the best you that you can be. Your WHY must be stronger than the pain or uncomfortableness of you pushing through the difficulties to get out of the ruts and push yourself to be a stronger more capable person in the thing you are trying to attain.
Actionable steps lead to Massive Imperfect Action. Why Imperfect action? Due to the only person to control you after you did all of this growth, is you. If you wait till the perfect day to go to the gym… Truthfully you will not go or go consistently enough to gain that benefit of losing that last 20 lbs. You must create your path every day by messing up and learning as you go. Do not get out of bed till the alarm goes off a few times making you late every day to work then lose your job and say, “I am a good worker though”? That may be true but do a self-evaluation not in victim mindset but one of responsibility. Was it really, “My boss has never liked me, so they were just looking for a reason to let me go?” Is that Truth or Perception and if it is Perception how can you take steps, Massive Imperfect Steps to change the path so that the next job dosen’t go the same as the one before.
Following financial abuse, what actionable strategies can individuals employ to rebuild their lives and achieve financial independence? What resources are instrumental in this process?
Start with someone that can help you heal, like a therapist, who can guide you to a healthier space to get help to heal a grow. (see the next section for tips on how to pick a therapist) Then when you start to heal emotionally and want to create financial strengths to creating a healthier way to handle finances so that you never have to allow someone over you and make you feel less than in any way. That is when you know you are ready to make the decisions about owning your own business or going back to school to create a better financial situation.
The way I did this is instead of allowing other people to think for me, I chose to take that control back and create another way that works for my husband and me. I spoke of being on disability payments from my disabilities but working my way off them. I chose to create for myself my own business in creating a platform that uses my coaching as a tool in my tool kit to create something that met a gap that was out there and in doing so I create for myself a home based business that as it is growing as my husband is on home hospice has me 24/7 as a caregiver. I collaborate with caregivers of those with early-onset memory loss or those with PTSD related cognitive memory loss, like his, I chose to make a safe place for those two types because they are an underserved and an unsupported caregiver group. The problem — having no support from ones that deal with the same battles for the loved one that is ill. Who they are, what they do, how they do it, and why they do it. The Result being the Fearless, Less Stressed, Caregiver that is Certain on their caregiving path because they have a group that is just like them holding them up in the worst life and cheering them on with the wins they have as well. That is what I am choosing every day to create so that Caregivers around the world one day will have the support and guidance they need to not burnout. I do this led by my faith and reaching out to do more as I wake up every day to create a better future for myself and those that get to know me. This will be my way off Disability. As I build out my business by following the steps guided by my business coach… I will be set up fully to Thrive not Survive in my business and not federal funding.
Resources are readily available online, but which do you choose? Start with your end game in mind and work your way backwards till you have a plan of action. When you get to the seventh layer of your game plan…Keep asking Why and How. This will help guide you on a path that is not only mentally challenging you out of your stuck spots but also covers the way to overcome the hardships, physically and in actionable goals to make it happen. As you go forward, it is PARTICULARLY important to take that information and choose those steps and FULLY focus on one path before getting sidetracked by the next shiny object or idea that comes along. THIS IS KEY! Fully focusing on one goal or game plan to that goal will determine if you get lost among your pathway to finding your path away from financial abuse in the next relationship you have.
For those impacted by multiple forms of abuse, what comprehensive strategies and support systems are most effective in facilitating their healing journey?
Understand with many forms of abuse there could be many years of therapy to work through them. It took years to live the problems out, it will take more than a set of sessions to unpack it, deal with it, and grow despite it.
Find a group of others as a support network and accountability partner with one that you truly trust. This could be a family member that was not in the thick of it with you or an outsider that can keep an open mind and help you create a safe place for you to talk through things and be the outsider fresh eyes on the situation and help you stay on track.
Finding your path to forgiveness for others and gain that ability to see past the hurts and help you gain insight to create a new you that is thankful for the hardships because if not for them… You would not be the resilient, strong, and positive person you are able to be from this day forward!
What strategies can survivors use to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence?
Getting out of the victim mindset usually takes therapy of one kind or many. I say this because we that go through many forms of abuse are not ready to do it all on our own. You need an outsider to look with fresh eyes at you and see where you can change that mindset, see where you need to find the light in the darkness and run for it. Look for the blessings in the curses. Find a way to give thanks to everyone that tried to destroy you, hold you back, break your spirit. You are capable, lovable, and so much more resilient today than you were before they were in your life. So, give thanks. You can always find a way to spin things to a positive mindset.
Is it easy?
NO, it is not. It took me years but is it worth it? With everything I am and will be… YES, IT IS SOOOOO WORTH IT!
How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?
The hardest thing in the world is to see your loved one hurt. You want to be there, but you do not want to enable them either. Many times (and the reason I looked at myself as a Pheonix) was because many do not get help till, they hit rock bottom. The person that is in it does not change till they are ready. Just do not enable them but instead let them learn on their own unless you can tell them and see they are ready to be a true participant in that change, nothing will get better. Just DON’T enable or you are adding to the problem not the solution.
What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?
As I stated, Therapy is the Key to success to break free! You must be a willing participant in that Therapy though. If not, nothing gets better and, in most cases, gets worse instead. Therapy needs to be with one person not a team of people that changes every few months. Find a practitioner that has their own practice outside of those practitioners that swap up often. Telling the stories over and over can lead to more burn out and feeling like they are not seen, heard, and loved that feeds that victim mindset.
Could you name a few organizations or professionals that provide crucial support for individuals seeking to restart their lives after experiencing abuse, particularly when they have dependents relying on them?
If you have mental health issues get them properly addressed. Unfortunately, and I say this as someone that has experienced it, you will need to shop around for a good practitioner that does not see you as another number or another income. You need to find one that REALLY does it with heart and understanding. Same thing as a physical doctor, you would get a second opinion if you thought the answers to a physical problem were not diagnosed properly or did not work well with you. So, it is the same with a Therapist and a Psychologist and Psychiatrist. Start with organizations that help the emotionally abused, financially abused, and/or psychologically abused. Seek Trauma Specialized Telehealth Providers till you can find a regular provider that you can see down the road.
These steps are even more crucial if you have dependents that go through breakups or separation from family members and such till you are stronger to deal with them with boundaries to keep you and the children safe. And as far as the dependent’s other parent…. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
No different than I am today. Create a path of resilient, strong, empowered female caregivers to help them see that they are seen, heard, and loved. Create that safe place for them to deal with the hardest hardships they ever faced and come out with such a positive outlook that changes their lives and the lives of those around them. That is my goal. Take all these that have burned out like the Pheonix they were and come out an Eagle that never gets burned but instead soars! And do not give up on the challenging work, as you will see the blessings of helping someone later down the road that needs your guidance as well. Do not stop at that brick wall of hardship but find a way over, under, or around the hardship. It may be a longer harder path, but it is so worth it. DON’T STOP: PIVOT!
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
You can find me on most major social media sites under my name, my podcast, or my website in the bio of this article. Feel free to reach out to me.
https://facebook.com/andreabdenney
https://instagram.com/andreabdenney
https://linkedin.com/in/andreabdenney
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/corporate-caregiver-coach-podcast/id1738801759
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you continued success.
About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com .
