Embrace Dedication: Confidence grows through dedication to yourself and your relationships. It means confronting shame and facing fears head-on. By doing the hard work and persevering through challenges — even when it feels uncomfortable or scary — you create a foundation for yourself. Even if your legs feel wobbly or your voice shakes, taking those steps is crucial for your growth.
Psychological abuse can leave deep and lasting scars, affecting all aspects of a person’s life. Healing from such toxic relationships requires resilience, support, and effective strategies. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Noemi Fernandez of Stillness Therapy.
Noemi Fernandez is a licensed clinical social worker practicing at Stillness Therapy in Los Angeles, CA. She offers individual therapy and immigration psychological evaluations in California, Colorado, and Texas. Noemi is passionate about empowering and supporting women, queer/LGBT+ individuals, and adult children of immigrants who have felt misunderstood or mistreated. Her goal is to help folks develop a solid sense of self, build their self-trust and compassion, and grow in confidence. For more information, please visit her website at stillnesstherapy.net.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?
Myname is Noemi Fernandez (pronouns she/they). I identify as a child of immigrants, a first-gen college graduate, and a non-binary queer woman. I was raised in Southeast Los Angeles (shoutout to my community!). I earned my bachelor’s degree in sociology from UC Santa Barbara and my master’s degree in social work from CSU Long Beach.
I founded my therapy practice in late June of 2021, basing it on my core values of acceptance, curiosity, duality, fluidity, openness, social justice, transparency, and stillness as a healing practice. My practice is located in Los Angeles and operates 100% virtually. I am licensed in California, Colorado, and Texas. Additionally, I offer psychological evaluations for immigration cases such as Extreme Hardship, U-Visa and VAWA.
In my therapy practice, I work with people who are ready to start making gradual changes to align their actions and lives with their desires, needs, and values. My main goal is to help my clients gain clarity about their dreams, desires, goals, core selves and relationships. I enjoy supporting my clients in learning to hold space for their feelings and needs, shift their perspectives, and integrate all parts of themselves. Though part of my approach is science-based, I view therapy as more of an art, a spiritual and poetic quest.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
The three character traits that I believe were most instrumental to my success are curiosity, persistence, and faith. These traits have been a part of me since a very young age, playing a vital role in realizing my dreams and goals and helping me develop my interpersonal and clinical skills.
- Curiosity: I visualize my curiosity as the ignition, the strike of the match. It drives me to explore possibilities and remain intrigued by the world around me. For instance, my curiosity led me to delve deeply into different therapeutic modalities and continuously learn new techniques to better serve my clients. This openness to learning has enriched my practice and allowed me to offer more comprehensive support.
- Persistence: Persistence is the part of me that is dedicated and devoted. It ensures that I see my goals and projects through to the very end. An example of this trait in action is the journey of establishing my practice. Despite the challenges of starting a business during a global pandemic, I remained steadfast in my commitment, working tirelessly to build a practice that aligned with my values and vision.
- Faith: Faith is the part of me that remains hopeful and focused through challenges and setbacks. It helps me keep my eye on the ball and maintain a positive outlook. When I decided to start my own therapy practice, it was a leap of faith. There were moments of doubt and uncertainty, but my faith kept me moving forward, trusting that my dedication would lead to success.
I believe these traits work together really well and create a balanced approach to life and business. Without them, I don’t think I would have taken the leap of faith to start my business.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
Yes, I am currently involved in some exciting collaborations with my colleagues and peers. I have several solo and collaborative blogs in the works. Additionally, I am partnering with a local art space to create a series of discussions for community members.
When I create and collaborate, I always consider how it will benefit my community and clients. One of my goals at Stillness Therapy is to educate individuals on mental health, spirituality, and healing. I want people who read my blogs or attend events I’m part of to leave with new knowledge or tools they can apply in their daily lives. If they leave with something that ignites further reflection about their emotional well-being, then I’ve done my part.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. Let’s start with a simple definition so that we are all on the same page. How would you define a Toxic Relationship?
I would define toxic relationships as relationships that are based on disrespect. These relationships lack respect for individuality, autonomy, and personal needs. In a toxic relationship, you may experience one or more of the following: psychological, financial, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.
What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in various types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?
Often times when people think of abuse, they tend to think of physical or sexual abuse. But there is more to it than that. I’m going to break it down separately. Let’s begin with common signs of emotional abuse. It may include, but is not limited to, being criticized, shamed, humiliated, or threatened. It looks like yelling, name-calling, and controlling behaviors such as dictating your time, actions, or appearance. If a person in your life withholds attention or affection as a means of punishing you, that is emotional abuse.
Now, common signs of financial abuse may include being prevented from getting or maintaining a job, being forced to ask for money, or having your money taken from you. It can involve preventing someone from having access to finances altogether. If someone monitors your spending or forces joint accounts as a means of controlling you, that’s financial abuse.
Then, we have psychological abuse, which can sometimes be used interchangeably with emotional abuse. However, some experts make the distinction that psychological abuse is more intrusive and includes tactics such as gaslighting, which is a manipulation tactic that causes a person to question their reality. Regardless of the terminology, the root of all abuse is the attempt to exert power and control over a person through overt or insidious tactics.
Individuals can recognize and address these forms of abuse by researching online, reading books on healthy relationships, and/or attending therapy. Discussing experiences with friends can also help in gaining perspective, as people around us may identify toxic and abusive behaviors faster than we can, due to our judgement being clouded. If you have kind and supportive people in your life, reach out to them for help. Depending on an individual’s journey, such as experiencing extensive trauma in relationships, specialized treatment like trauma-focused therapy may also be helpful in processing the trauma and focusing on healing.
How can someone begin the healing process after leaving a toxic relationship? Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship”?
Great question. I always say there isn’t a one-size-fits all. A big part of the healing process may feel abstract, it’s difficult to recognize until you’re on the other side of it all. However, there are tangible aspects to healing, too.
1 . Establish Safety: Immediately after leaving a relationship, life may feel chaotic. Some people may experience grief immediately, while others may have a delayed response. Regardless, the first step is to establish safety and focus on immediate and basic needs. Do you have secure housing? Do you have access to food and money? If you have children, what support do you need to ensure their safety and well-being? What else would be helpful in establishing a semblance of a routine? Life will look different, and it will take time to figure things out. Start with the basics.
2 . Seek Support: Leaving a relationship and grieving its loss can feel like a mountain to climb. Receiving support can provide ease in a time of chaos. Be open to reaching out to professional services and organizations that can help you re-establish yourself and your family as you navigate the shape of your new life. Reach out to trusted family, friends, co-workers, or community members who can offer kindness and support in your time of need.
3 . Focus on Self-Care: Create and prioritize a self-care routine. Identify activities that help ground you in your daily life, such as exercise, hobbies, and relaxing activities like reading, walks, cooking, or yoga. This is also important if you have children, as they thrive on routine. Consider their needs and what might help them feel grounded, too.
4 . Seek Individual and/or Group Therapy: There are many community organizations, nonprofits, and counseling centers that provide trauma-focused therapy. Seeking specialized care to process, give space to, and grieve a significant experience is vital. Dedicating a time to your mental health is essential. A therapist can help you set therapy goals and support you as rebuild your life. You don’t have to do it alone.
5 . Be Gentle with Yourself: It’s important to be patient, gentle, and compassionate with yourself during challenging times. Learn to be your biggest cheerleader and nurturer as you move through difficult moments, memories, and experiences. If this is hard for you, think of someone you really care about and consider whether you would treat them harshly when they are hurting. If the answer is no, then reflect on why you might be hard on yourself. Developing self-compassion is a journey, take it easy on yourself. This could be a topic to address in therapy to rebuild your sense of self and confidence.
Following financial abuse, what actionable strategies can individuals employ to rebuild their lives and achieve financial independence? What resources are instrumental in this process?
Individuals can regain control of their finances by taking several steps. Start by securing your accounts, either by removing unauthorized access or creating new accounts altogether. If financial abuse has led to debt, create a budget plan to manage and pay off your debts. Financial experts often recommend the snowball method, which involves focusing on paying off the smallest debt first to build momentum.
Also, depending on your situation, consider setting up fraud alerts and freezing your credit to protect yourself from further financial harm. Monitoring your accounts closely by setting up transaction, withdrawal, or change alerts can also help you stay on top of any unauthorized activity.
There are credit counseling services such as the National Foundation for Credit Counseling (NFCC) that offer free or low-cost credit counseling and financial education. You can also look into it financial planning apps such as Mint or YNAB (You Need a Budget) that can help track your spending, create budgets, and manage your finances more effectively.
For those impacted by multiple forms of abuse, what comprehensive strategies and support systems are most effective in facilitating their healing journey?
If you have been impacted by multiple forms of abuse, then that’ll mean doing a comprehensive assessment of your needs including physical, medical, financial, spiritual, mental, emotional, educational, and legal. It just might mean that you have to address several areas of needs. Initially after leaving a relationship, physical safety is top priority. There are domestic violence organizations and trauma therapists that can help provide support and create a safety plan. A safety plan includes emergency contacts, escape routes, access to money, and safe places where you can find respite. Ensure you have a secure location to store important documents such as ID cards, social security cards, green cards, passports, and birth certificates. Review and update your privacy settings on your phone and social medica accounts, change passwords, and block access as needed. If you have experienced violence or threats, consider obtaining a protective or restraining order.
What strategies can survivors use to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence?
Rebuilding self-esteem and confidence is an exploratory process, and it can look different for each individual based on their unique needs. Rather than offering one-size-fits-all strategies, I recommend working with a therapist, coach, or spiritual leader you trust. I’ll share some insight into how I like to support my clients who have experienced trauma:
1. Explore Identity, Values, and Needs: I support my clients by helping them examine fundamental aspects of their sense of self. I enjoy helping them explore questions like: Who am I? What are my roles and identity? What do I value (e.g., honesty, communication, independence)? What do I need in my relationships (e.g., safety, protection, trust, respect)? This self-exploration helps rebuild a sense of identity that may have been lost during abusive experiences. Starting from the ground up allows individuals to reconnect with their core self.
2. Take Action: Building self-confidence often involves facing challenges and doing hard things. This could include expressing your needs to loved ones, setting healthy boundaries, or working towards personal goals. Each time you take action and achieve something difficult, you build confidence. It’s about showing up for yourself, even when it’s tough. As you confront fears and step outside your comfort zone, you’ll find a sense of empowerment.
3. Embrace Dedication: Confidence grows through dedication to yourself and your relationships. It means confronting shame and facing fears head-on. By doing the hard work and persevering through challenges — even when it feels uncomfortable or scary — you create a foundation for yourself. Even if your legs feel wobbly or your voice shakes, taking those steps is crucial for your growth.
4. Practice Self-Compassion: Being kind to yourself during this process, and life, is essential. Recognize that rebuilding self-confidence is a journey that requires acceptance, patience and understanding. Treat yourself with the same compassion and encouragement you would offer a loved one, or your younger self.
5. Celebrate Progress: Acknowledge and celebrate your progress, no matter how small it may seem. Each accomplishment, whether it’s a personal milestone or overcoming a fear, contributes to building your self-confidence. Celebrating these moments reinforces your progress and motivates you to continue. Become your biggest cheerleader.
As with most other things that are worthwhile, rebuilding self-esteem and confidence requires time and patience. There will be painful setbacks. There will be milestones worthy of celebration. Allow yourself to embark on the messy self-discovery journey and be kind to yourself.
How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?
I’m speaking directly to friend and family who might be reading this. Survivors of abuse need love, support, nurture, and care. When someone experiences a traumatic and abusive relationship, they won’t be themselves for a long time. While they grieve and heal, here are some things to consider:
1. Be Proactive: Rather than just offering verbal support, take tangible actions to help your friend. This could include providing a safe space for them, cooking meals, buying groceries, checking in regularly, or helping with practical tasks like taking their children to school. Survivors may be overwhelmed and unsure of what they need, or they might hesitate to ask for help.
2. Be Patient: Understand that healing from psychological abuse is a complex and gradual process. Survivors may experience setbacks or relapses as they work on rebuilding their life. What might seem obvious to you as a loved one may not be immediately apparent to the survivor. The effects of manipulation and abuse are often deeply ingrained, and it takes time to unravel them. Patience and ongoing support are crucial.
3. Validate Their Feelings: Acknowledge and validate the survivor’s feelings. Remind them that their emotions are valid and that it’s normal to have conflicting feelings during the healing process. No matter how toxic a relationship has been, survivors may find themselves missing the person or life they used to live. This is normal. Generally speaking, when trying to be supportive, avoid minimizing people’s experiences or offering unsolicited advice. Instead, listen and ask how they would like to be supported by you.
4. Consider Therapy: Witnessing a toxic relationship can be difficult on loved ones as well. It reverberates throughout the entire community. Consider going to a therapist if you’re having a tough time providing support to the survivor. There is no shame in receiving help!
What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?
As a therapist, I am admittedly biased, but I truly believe in the transformative power of therapy. It plays a major role in healing from psychological abuse. Working with a trauma-informed therapist who understands the subtle, insidious nature of abuse, the neurobiology of trauma (our brains literally change, but they’re also incredibly resilient and can be reworked through neuroplasticity!), and the importance of establishing safety and a sense of self can make a huge difference in the grieving and rebuilding process.
Finding the right therapist isn’t always easy, and I hear from clients how challenging it can be to find someone who is both available and feels like the right fit. Mental health services are in high demand, and clinics and private practices often have limited availability or long waitlists. But there are some great directories out there, such as Therapy with Latinx, Therapy Den, Inclusive Therapists, Latinx Therapy, Therapy for Black Girls, Mental Health Match, and Asian Mental Health Collective, among others. For those looking for affordable options, the Open Path Collective is a wonderful resource. With a $65 one-time membership fee, you can access therapy at a reduced rate of $40–70 per session.
Here are a couple of tips for finding the right therapist and overcoming barriers:
- Be Persistent: Finding the right therapist can take time. Don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t happen right away. Keep searching and reaching out until you find someone who feels like a good fit.
- Do Your Research: Finding a therapist is a bit like dating. It involves some exploration and openness to difficult conversations if things don’t work out. Many therapists offer free consultations or introductory calls where you can discuss your needs and questions. Don’t hesitate to ask questions! Consider what you’re looking for in a therapist — whether it’s kindness, good listening skills, or expertise in a specific treatment.
Research shows that how you feel about your therapist — whether you trust them and feel safe with them — is crucial. It’s more important than their theoretical orientation. Reflect on how you felt during your initial conversations. Were they attentive and helpful? Did you feel comfortable? Finding a therapist who makes you feel heard is key to a successful therapeutic relationship. So, take your time, trust your intuition, and don’t be afraid to ask those important questions.
Could you name a few organizations or professionals that provide crucial support for individuals seeking to restart their lives after experiencing abuse, particularly when they have dependents relying on them?
Absolutely. Some key organizations that offer essential support for survivors are:
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH): They provide a wide range of resources, including help with locating shelters, case management, childcare, counseling, support groups, emergency financial assistance, and more.
- Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAINN): RAINN offers vital resources such as counseling, legal advocacy, medical attention and hospital accompaniment, and community education.
These organizations are great starting points for finding support and resources.
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
I’d start a movement focused on nurturing emotional intelligence, kindness, and respect. I believe this is what can help us build more loving communities. By fostering a culture where people are better equipped to understand and support each other’s emotional and psychological needs, we could create a more compassionate and resilient society. We’d be more inclined to truly listen to each other, and we’d learn to better respond to each other’s needs. This movement would prioritize education on emotional health, encourage open conversations about mental well-being, and promote practices that truly value emotional growth and mutual respect. It would be a re-alignment. Let’s start acting like we care. Let’s live by our values. Let’s root our actions in strong ethics. Imagine a world where kindness is common — what a transformative impact that could have for all of us!
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
To keep up with my work and read my blog, visit my website at stillnesstherapy.net. You can also connect with me on Instagram @stillnesstherapy for updates and insights. Thank you so much for the opportunity to share my thoughts and experiences. I appreciate your kind words and wish you health and happiness!
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com .
