Understand that you need to focus on your healing when you leave and that it is not a one-size-fits-all approach. There are many ways to heal, and it will likely take a combination of things to sort through it all. Based on my lived experience, and work with clients, step one is to find a therapist who understands and has received training on abuse. Preferably, find a therapist with lived experience who has also worked through therapy. Don’t be afraid to ask them about it either. I had a session with a therapist (yep, one session only) in which I was victim blamed for the abuse that was inflicted upon me. Her words still ring in my ears: “You DO know there are signs right?”, which brings us to number two.
Psychological abuse can leave deep and lasting scars, affecting all aspects of a person’s life. Healing from such toxic relationships requires resilience, support, and effective strategies. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Kristin Money, LPC-MHSP.
Kristin Money, LPC-MHSP, is a mental health therapist in private practice. She has worked with survivors of psychological, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse for the past thirteen years, empowering them on their journey of healing. She is also a survivor of abuse and will be sharing her story today and for years to come.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?
Thank you for having me! I’m so happy to be here. My story started in a tiny place called Clear Creek, Kentucky, outside of the small city of Pineville. Yes, that is the same Pineville mentioned in the famous country song, “You’ll Never Leave Harlan Alive”, which has been covered by many musicians over the years. Pineville has many beautiful sights, including the Chained Rock and the Pine Mountain State Resort Park. It is a small area that holds a lot of memories for me. I played piano at my grandparents’ home from the moment I could reach the keys. My family is full of singers, writers, and musicians, so I was constantly exposed to music.
I eventually learned to play acoustic guitar, bass guitar, and ukulele. I love to sing and write songs. Music was and still is such a huge inspiration to me, as well as something that has helped me mentally and emotionally over the years. As I look back on my life, I think learning how to play the piano was the first outlet that I had to express myself. Even if it did not always make sense, writing out the words of my heart has always been helpful to me. As a kid, I never saw myself becoming a therapist. I was positive that I would be a lawyer, fashion designer, or musician. When I took my very first introductory psychology class in 2008, my life changed forever. Funnily enough, I wanted to be a school psychologist at first. I have to admit that I constantly avoided and feared becoming a therapist until I realized that I ultimately needed to do what I was most scared of.
I experienced my fair share of toxic teenage relationships during high school. By fair share, I mean that nearly every relationship I was involved in was toxic in some way. Relationships in college turned out to be very similar, with emotional abuse being a common factor in many of them. I could not figure it out — why did this always happen to me? What was I doing wrong? I liked the people that I dated initially, but something always seemed to “happen” to end things, and things would typically end quite horribly. So I started to reflect. From the age of 8, I began to feel this underlying tension in my relationship with my parents, particularly my mom. I was highly anxious and had nightly panic attacks and nightmares about dying. By age 11, I seemed to hate everything and everyone, including myself. I continually felt like the world was against me. No matter what I did, I was wrong. At 13, I noticed that all of my friends loved my mom, but I did not have the same relationship with her. By age 14, I was dating and experiencing toxic relationships. I was a people pleaser, with my life choices based on what others wanted me to do, particularly my mom. I would become so invested in another person, spending all my energy trying to make them happy. This always felt like the “right” thing to do in a “relationship” so why did I always end up feeling empty and confused as to why someone else did not feel the same way about me?
While trying to choose a college to attend at age 17, I found out that my dad had engaged in an affair. The words my mom said to me, I will not soon forget: “If you go away to school, he will leave me”. So, I did what any parentified child might do — ensure the relationship remained intact. I began noticing that my friends did not seem to have the same problems with their parents as I did with my mom. I had consistently believed that I was a bad kid, although in public I was touted as the perfect child. My mom would share my accomplishments loudly and at length with whoever would stop and listen. However, there was a difference between my mom at home and my mom around others. At home, my every move was monitored and controlled. She did not like anyone I dated, even if the person was a somewhat positive influence, and would try to interfere. As I reached my early 20s, she would threaten to call the police if I went on dates. She would take my phone so I could not communicate with the outside world. My car keys were taken, so I could not drive to work. I was constantly spinning back and forth between being what she wanted me to be and trying to be me. If I chose myself, I was not choosing her. This was the ongoing battle that I was fighting every day.
Since I did not realize that I did not have a sense of self, I spiraled and dissociated often. I experienced suicidal thoughts and self-harmed many times. Emotional abuse and covert emotional incest had taken place over several years until she became physically abusive with me at age 23 by shattering my Bachelor of Psychology diploma over my head, glass spraying everywhere. Much to her dismay, I began looking for jobs farther away and took the first one that offered me a position. I moved into my first apartment. I finally felt free and started working on my Master’s degree. Outside of the abusive environment, I was flourishing at first. However, AuDHD (Autism and ADHD) symptoms that had previously been masked, began to emerge. I was still unsure of what was happening, so I pushed forward. I was able to complete my Master’s degree with honors.
At this point, I was dating without being so heavily monitored and eventually stumbled upon a person I was interested in. Within three months, we had broken up due to increased instances of high conflict and emotional abuse. As I reconsidered the relationship, I realized I had much to work on. It was true that something needed to change, and I thought that I could start here by giving this person another chance. My nervous system was not telling me to run away from this person, due to what I had been trained to accept from my family. So I invited this person back into my life. All that it took was one night to change the course of my life forever. I do not recall many details of this night, due to my nervous system taking over and protecting me. What I do know is that I was severely abused and had a near-death experience from having my life threatened.
When I escaped, I began to have significant flashbacks and panic attacks. I was having massive migraines without warning. My nervous system had been severely traumatized. I did not have a sense of self before this trauma, and after, I was another completely different person. I did not want to be around people anymore. I could not be near loud sounds without having a panic attack. I withdrew from everything I was trying to build with my career. I could not sleep at all and had continual nightmares. Trauma events had occurred in so many parts of my apartment that I did not feel safe there any longer. During the event, one of my favorite blankets encountered a cigarette burn. I threw the blanket away, but I would randomly smell phantom cigarettes much later and would become triggered physically. I was worse than a shell of a person; there was nothing there at all. I was a cluster of symptoms that I could not control.
The events of that night began to bring all of my previous trauma with my family forward as well. With my Master’s level work, I learned about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I specifically remember reading the page in the DSM-5 and saying to myself “Well, that is definitely me; so now what?” My answer was to move six hours away from my hometown and start completely over. It worked for a while until I went into a depression that lasted on and off for nearly five years. I was angry and had never been allowed to express that anger. I was never allowed to set appropriate boundaries. My parents continued to monitor me, showing up at my house without warning and intruding on my life. My mom continued to threaten to call the police if I did not answer one of her multiple calls each day. I began to answer less and less. The last straw came when I transitioned to a different company. My mom contacted the company directly and asked them if I worked there. The receptionist told my mom that I worked there (huge workplace red flag) and transferred her call to my desk. I had never blacked out before, but that day I did. It was past time to cut them out of my life. They showed up again to my house and I finally told them everything that they had done to harm me over the years and how I was no longer going to speak to them. To this day, my mom has continued to try and break contact, going so far as to have extended relatives try to contact me for her.
Now, I am living my life for me and the family that I have chosen, which is a beautiful thing. Most days, I wake up happy and excited to see what the day will bring, surrounded by those who care and want the best for me. Until I met my husband and his family, I never knew warmth and love from people who truly care about your well-being without wanting anything in return. I never knew that you could have a different opinion from your family and feel safe to express that. I never knew what feeling heard and validated was like. Every day I am learning how to love, and grieving what I missed and what was not freely given. I am also learning to be myself and that my self is worthy of love.
Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?
There have been so many interesting stories from my career over the years, that it is hard to pick just one! The most interesting thing is what led to me starting my private practice. Before getting to that point, I had experienced abuse from my parents from childhood to adulthood; been involved in several emotionally abusive relationships; had a near-death experience in a relationship, and developed CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder); figured out that I have ADHD and Autism; and escaped a work mobbing situation. Starting a private practice is the best thing I have done with my career thus far, and my biggest takeaway is that I arrived here because I finally chose myself. I lived my life for others, practically from the day I was born. I was trained to be the image of my mom, one that she hated and desperately hoped to be at the same time. I was Ariel and she was Ursula, stealing my voice so that she could live in my place. My life was not my own. It was a mirage in the depths of hell. I lived out this cycle of shame, self-hatred, guilt, and people-pleasing in every aspect of my life for years. The covert narcissism and sociopathy that my mom displayed had been central to that cycle. Then, I found a partner with whom I had a near-death experience.
The most interesting thing about that is, while I was in that relationship I was working on my Master’s degree in Mental Health Counseling. That fact alone shows how impacted I was by the abuse from my mom, that I could not even see that I was being abused, by both my mom and my partner at the time. I had been so conditioned to accept abuse as normal at that point, that coming across it again with a partner did not give me pause. My nervous system was trained to see abuse as “comfortable” — this is what I was taught to believe was “love”. Being on the outside of it now, I can finally breathe. I rescued my voice and am working on making it stronger and louder. I am living authentically and it cannot be any other way now. I think my private practice reflects that. The realness of lived experience informs the client population I choose to work with. The ones that are coming out of a shell-shocked existence and have no idea who they are. The ones that are fighting to hold on and break away from their abusers. The ones who have lived day in and day out in a dissociative, traumatized underworld and are realizing that there must be another way. I had no one to shine the light for me, so I want to do that for others.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
“Stubbornness”, knowing my limits, and honesty with myself are the three traits that come to mind that have been instrumental to my success. These are the traits that I now believe were exploited by my mom and compartmentalized to the point of nearly destroying my sense of self. These traits also happened to be the ones that helped me survive and eventually heal. My family often talked of my “stubbornness” and being too “headstrong” as I grew up. What I have now realized is that I was an abused neurodivergent child. While struggling with persistent demand avoidance, I met roadblocks to independence at every corner. When I was “stubborn, and being too headstrong”, I was attempting to stand up for myself. I would say what I liked, what I did not like, what I wanted, and needed, and what I received was a consistent stream of “no”, “how dare you” and “get over it”.
I was taught that having needs was a bad thing. If the need that I had did not also benefit the family in some way, then I was belittled and degraded. I was called “high maintenance” for my insecurities, and sensory issues around my hair or clothes. I was told my opinions about my needs not being met were too cynical, or that I was blaming them. I feel like reclaiming the word “stubborn” is appropriate for me. Being stubborn and strong-willed was one of the few traits I had left that refused to quit. It told me to keep going and that I could do anything. However, another part of me began to push against that when I reached my twenties. I could do things but I also needed to have boundaries.
I first noticed the need for boundaries (without having the words to describe it yet), with dissociation. When I would get to the point of dissociation, I had already spent all of my energy and capacity pushing myself with stubbornness. I wanted so desperately to go against what I had been taught and was trained to be like for so long, that I pushed myself past my window of tolerance numerous times. Dissociation was how my nervous system had responded to many abusive situations in the past. Learning how to bring myself back within my window of tolerance, while validating my need to be stubborn was vital. I had to teach myself that having limits was okay. Growing up, limits did not exist for me. If I said I could not do something or did not have the energy, I was told I was bad and ungrateful and to do it anyway. I was forced beyond my capacity and into dissociation by being abused.
So I had to work with these parts of myself to earn their trust again, where my family had previously violated and abused that trust. Finally, I really cannot ignore when something feels “off” to me, whether that be mentally, emotionally, physically, or environmentally. While I was being taught to force emotions down or act as if things were normal and okay when they were not, something within me continually “tapped on my shoulder” to let me know that something was not right with this picture. I could not ignore it. Maybe it was intuition, or my growing need to be myself. Either way, my body refused to be shut down and unheard. My stomach would hurt, my legs would shake, and my heart would race, all in the name of refusing to allow me to give in to abuse. So, honesty with myself, or rather, not ignoring my gut when I know something is “off”, was instrumental to my success.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
I want to continue to spread the word on healing from abuse, and that it is possible. I hope to write a book at some point. My story and the things I have learned have already helped many people feel understood and not so alone. Reaching a larger audience with that message seems like the right thing to do.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. Let’s start with a simple definition so that we are all on the same page. How would you define a Toxic Relationship?
A toxic relationship is simply this: any relationship in which you do not feel emotionally, physically, or mentally safe. The relationship is built upon distrust and typically involves at least one partner’s attempts to control the other.
What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in various types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?
There are several common signs of financial, emotional, and psychological abuse, however, it is important to know that these can vary from person to person in how they present. Many times, someone abusing a partner holds misogynistic, patriarchal views of gender roles which serve to keep the abusive relationship intact — and interestingly, this can occur regardless of gender. This is because a misogynistic, patriarchal view promotes a power and control dynamic, which is the common factor in all abusive relationships. In a romantic relationship, financial abuse can look like not allowing a partner to make purchases or have a say in how money is spent; creating an environment where one partner does not know how much money is available in the account due to limited or no access and must ask the abuser for permission to purchase things; monitoring purchases and bank account usage; moving money from one account to another without consent; purchasing extravagant gifts and trips while holding these gifts over the partner in an attempt to manipulate them; and hiding bank statements and having bank accounts that their partner knows nothing about. Emotional and psychological abuse in a relationship can look like love bombing (incessant bombardment of compliments, quickly putting the partner onto a “pedestal”, wanting to spend every moment together to the point where you may feel intoxicated by it when it is smothering your sense of self); stonewalling (being completely silent and not responding, acting as if the partner is not present); gaslighting (making a partner believe something untrue or believe that they are not experiencing reality); name-calling, insulting, consistently bringing up the past in arguments to belittle or degrade; bullying them for insecurities or things that cannot be changed such as physical characteristics; violating boundaries that have been set, and pushing their partner into situations without consent through bribes, intimidation or threats. To effectively address this type of abuse in a relationship, first assess if this is a safe person to address abuse with. If someone is engaging in abuse towards a partner, that can typically mean that this is an unsafe person. If you are being abused and you try to address it, and the person gaslights you, then it is likely that this person is not safe. An unsafe person is someone who is not emotionally, mentally, or physically safe (given their engagement in the above behaviors). This person might threaten your safety with words or actions. If you are usually met with abuse after confronting an issue, it is probably not safe to continue to address it. Otherwise, you may try to address them while a safe person is also present, and in a neutral, safe location. This is not to say that people cannot change, because they can. However, we need to assess if this is a safe person.
In professional relationships, financial abuse can look like withholding earned money from employees; creating situations in which employees cannot earn enough to stay; deliberately scheduling employees during times when they cannot earn enough forcing them to leave or find other employment; “shorting” checks and not paying the earned amount; consistently owing pay to employees; holding employees over their scheduled time but not paying them; lying about pay before hiring and then suddenly changing pay after hiring; and multi-level marketing schemes in which people are promoting and selling items for very little profit, while those above them are making much more money based on the efforts of others. Emotional and psychological abuse in a professional setting can look like the following: belittling or degrading the employee with or without others present; insulting their work in a way that humiliates them; creating situations in which employees feel as though they cannot say no or give their honest opinion; and essentially any workplace that insists on referring to employees as “family” and yet treating them poorly. In my experience, referring to employees as “family” can signal that poor boundaries are present. You may experience love bombing initially, where the company hides inconsistencies and situations that are not going well. You feel like one in a million, and the attention given at first is like “red carpet treatment”. However, behind the scenes, employees are treated as insignificant, replaceable, and “just another number”. Turnover is often high, while the reasons given for this sound like, “they didn’t embody our values”, or “they chose to go a different direction”. Employees often wish that they could speak up or change something about the way the company operates, yet remain unheard and burned out.
Work mobbing is another part of psychological abuse that can occur within companies, that I experienced before going into private practice. It began with an employee on my team feeling resentful that they were not hired for a position I was chosen for. From what I understand, this employee was unaware that they had not been hired for the position before I arrived to take the job. I share this part because it shows how psychologically damaging the leadership turned out to be in the end, as well. The person took it upon themselves to start hurtful rumors about me, talking about me to every person that they possibly could, to turn them against me. Ultimately, my entire team did just that. There were no safe people that I could talk to. Every move that I made was ridiculed and questioned by everyone around me. Each time I tried to establish a rapport again, I was shut down. This employee had worked at the company long before I had arrived, so they knew many people. This made it very easy for them to shift others’ perspectives of me, and quickly establish themselves as the unspoken ‘top of the hierarchy’. I was the manager of my team, and yet when I made decisions and attempted to delegate tasks, the team members yielded to this person instead. I found myself doing the same thing to appease this person and try to establish common ground. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. To know that no one could see what was happening and viewed it as poor leadership on my part, was excruciating. To walk into that building every day, knowing that no one truly had my back, was terrifying.
To effectively address abuse in the workplace, look at the facts: Is this environment safe enough to disclose this information? Are there people around you who have witnessed this and can vouch for you? Is HR (Human Resources) a reliable place to report such information? Does the company have a good track record of ensuring employees feel safe? What is the turnover rate like? Are complaints easily dismissed, or just never looked into? What is the culture like, in terms of how safety issues are viewed and addressed? Unfortunately, if you are answering these questions and you do not like the answers, then it may not be a safe enough workplace to disclose abuse. Many people leave jobs and never look back after incidents like this occur, due to the unsafe environment. There is typically no follow-up with these employees to find out what happened or what went wrong, and the response to complaints continues to be dismissive. If you decide that the workplace is safe enough for you to disclose, do so with caution. Prepare yourself with documentation and witnesses if possible. Remember that even if a workplace appears to be safe, there may still be a dismissive approach to abuse. Talk to your support systems and prepare for backup as needed (lawyers, therapists, etc.).
Familial relationships are yet another example of where significant traumatic abuse can occur. Psychological, emotional, and financial abuse in a family can be tricky to spot, as there are so many people that would be quick to say “Oh, your family is always there for you, they are just trying to help”, and “family would never hurt you, they probably did not mean what they said or did”. Here again, the power and control dynamic can exist. When you have people in places of authority, such as parent to child, older sibling to younger sibling, child to elderly parent, and so many other examples, the lines can easily blur. Let us take the example of parent to child, like the abuse that I experienced. In an abusive parental relationship, psychological abuse can take the form of manipulating a child to believe untrue information about another parent; influencing the child to believe all positive things about the abusive parent; purposefully neglecting to tell the child certain information which may ultimately affect what the child chooses; intentionally punishing the child for “negative” emotions or “unfavorable” beliefs and actions; controlling the child through gift giving and unfair expectations; relating to the child as an adult so that the child learns to placate and comfort the parent; placing undue pressure onto a child to act in certain ways that are favorable to the abuser but may ultimately be harmful to the child; and creating a home life in which the child is afraid to be different from the abuser (beliefs, values, thoughts, feelings, and so forth). Emotional abuse can look like belittling, name-calling, screaming, picking verbal fights with the child, chronic invalidation, constant criticism (looks, friends, weight, personality, schoolwork, and so forth), refusal to apologize, and refusal to take accountability. Financial abuse from a parent to a child might look like stealing money from the child and withholding said funds, using money that is meant to meet the child’s needs on unnecessary items instead, and refusal to help the child meet their needs when there are enough funds to do so. In a parent-child relationship, addressing abuse can be one of, if not the hardest part to talk about. To effectively address it, think about if your parent is willing to listen and validate your experiences. Is your parent someone who is mentally and emotionally stable enough to hear that you experienced abuse from them? In other words, can they hold the pain that you share with them and take accountability for their previous actions? Determine what history has shown you, see if they have been working through related issues in therapy, and ultimately decide if you feel safe enough to talk about it with them, adult to adult.
How can someone begin the healing process after leaving a toxic relationship? Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship”?
Healing from a toxic relationship will involve many different factors, depending on the person. Here are 5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship:
1 . Understand that you need to focus on your healing when you leave and that it is not a one-size-fits-all approach. There are many ways to heal, and it will likely take a combination of things to sort through it all. Based on my lived experience, and work with clients, step one is to find a therapist who understands and has received training on abuse. Preferably, find a therapist with lived experience who has also worked through therapy. Don’t be afraid to ask them about it either. I had a session with a therapist (yep, one session only) in which I was victim blamed for the abuse that was inflicted upon me. Her words still ring in my ears: “You DO know there are signs right?”, which brings us to number two.
2 . There will be many times when you question yourself and say ‘How did I let this happen? What went wrong? How did I miss the signs?” Read this next part and then read it as much as you need to. Screenshot this next sentence and save it somewhere. Print it out and put it in a frame: You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t do this. What you ‘missed’ was a calculated plan by an abuser. Even if you knew the ‘signs of abuse’ (like I did), and have the education (like I did), and the privilege (like I did), you can be completely blindsided and taken off guard by someone like this. You didn’t let it happen; you were targeted.
3. Assess your support system. Ask yourself, “Who has been there for me when I really needed them? Who has been by my side through it all? Who offers guidance, validation, support, encouragement, and a listening ear without judgment?” Find those people and reach out. You may feel hesitant at first, and that is okay. This goes back to number two. You may not want anyone to know what you went through and how you “let it happen”. Go back and re-read number two. Let your people in, talk to them, and connect with them again. The real ones will show up, and the ones that never had your best interest at heart will fade away or have something to say. If they do not believe or victim-blame you, do not waste another breath trying to convince them. After my previous partner had threatened my life, I confided in a trusted boss about the abuse that I had experienced at home the night before. Her response was to push for me to be fired, and as it turns out, she was quite adept at creating situations which I was at fault for. Not everyone can be trusted with your healing, and yet, this makes number four that much more important.
4 . Connect with community. In the early days of figuring out what had happened to me, I was googling left and right, trying to find someone who understood. Once I found the term narcissistic abuse, I went down the “rabbit hole” with research. I found multiple different websites with information and advice, describing eerily similar examples of abuse. I could not believe that there were more people out there like me. My support system was quite limited at that time. What I found was the wonderful Reddit communities related to narcissistic parental abuse. Those people get it and can be so supportive. I made connections and insights that have stayed with me today, simply because other people had gone through similar things and bravely shared. Find the people willing to give without asking for anything in return. You will need those people most of all.
5 . While you are figuring out what happened to you and naming it, it’s likely that you will start to feel overwhelmed. You are out of the relationship or away from the toxic situation, but the healing has just begun. Your brain and nervous system will be trying to return to functioning levels before the abuse, but finding that they cannot exactly do that just yet. Depending on how your body helped you to survive, you could find yourself encountering panic attacks, anxiety, depression, dissociation, flashbacks, nightmares, and a multitude of other symptoms. About a week after I left my abusive relationship, I was having flashbacks and panic attacks without really understanding what was happening to me. I was terrified, and much of my healing journey started alone. Take it from me and do not go it alone. Take your time digesting new information (such as learning new terms related to abuse, for instance), take breaks, and refer back to number one to further understand how to heal. EMDR can be instrumental in healing from abuse, especially when PTSD or CPTSD are present.
Following financial abuse, what actionable strategies can individuals employ to rebuild their lives and achieve financial independence? What resources are instrumental in this process?
After leaving an abusive relationship, especially one where financial abuse is present, it is crucial to ensure that your belongings are under your name. You may even start to do this before you leave. Find a trusted friend or family member to help you purchase a new phone when you leave. Start transferring necessary contacts to the new phone now. Depending on the severity of control, you may need to do this the old paper and pencil way and share these with your trusted person to hold onto. Do this at work, or another trusted place. You may have to create a new bank account in your name only and begin directing your deposits to that account (work, etc.). A survivor once shared with me that she was gaslighted to believe that a large gift that was bought for her was not hers, and would be the property of the abuser in their divorce. Another survivor talked about how the abuser continually drained their shared bank account and moved funds to unknown locations. Many times survivors will need to work with lawyers to ensure that funds are appropriately handled, especially if the abuser continues to control and financially abuse. If this is not possible, seek out community resources to help with getting you back onto your feet. Start a GoFundMe to help with needed expenses. Remember, there is no shame in surviving.
For those impacted by multiple forms of abuse, what comprehensive strategies and support systems are most effective in facilitating their healing journey?
When you have experienced multiple forms of abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, emotional, mental, etc.), a comprehensive approach is likely the most effective way to heal. If you have experienced something like this, then you probably know that it can rewire your nervous system and affect your personality in ways that you would not expect. The ways that you interact with other people are different. The ways that you think and feel about yourself are different. You may feel like a different person entirely. The multiple types of abuse, occurring over many years or on various occasions, can lead to C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Treatment with a therapist may need to look like re-learning ways to cope and communicate with yourself and the world again. As someone who has experienced and survived many types of abuse, and has C-PTSD, I know that it is crucial to have a therapist who can address both the trauma and the skills needed to move forward. One such approach might look like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to address the trauma and DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) to address rebuilding relationships. The approach that works can be different for every single person, so finding a therapist who is well-versed in trauma is needed.
Learning how to acknowledge and work with the nervous system after experiencing multiple forms of abuse is also vital. The responses of “fight or flight” are normal responses to abuse, and include more than “fight or flight”. We need to depathologize nervous system responses and emotions as well. When I began to realize the enormous impact of abuse on my nervous system, I was experiencing severe panic attacks and flashbacks where I had moments of reliving the abuse. I initially blamed myself, as survivors often do, and this unfortunately prolonged the healing process for me. We need to know, and have someone telling us, that how our nervous system responds to trauma is exactly how it needs to respond. It is not something that we can control. When you encounter a giant, ferocious animal, your body decides what to do, whether it is freezing, “playing dead”, running away, or some other way to survive. The same thing happens with abuse. We typically do not belittle people for what they did to survive a shark attack, so why do we do that when someone survives abuse? We need people to remind us of this, such as trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals.
What strategies can survivors use to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence?
I believe that developing a sense of self is probably the most crucial aspect of rebuilding self-esteem and confidence after abuse. Upon leaving an abusive relationship, you may feel like you do not know who you are any longer. You may feel like no one can truly understand what you have been through. In a way, that is true; no one will truly and completely know what it was like for you to go through your experience. That is because every person is unique, and every abuse experience is just as unique. There will be similar symptoms, just in different combinations for each person. While sorting through those symptoms and beginning to heal, it is important to carve out time and space for only you. Imagine you are a bear going into hibernation, except this time, you are a bear with deep wounds. You will need a safe place to hide for a bit, assess the damage, and seek out resources. Deciding to look out for yourself is the most important thing, and this is Day One. You must make The Choice, and it is You. The parts of you that are hurting need rest and reassurance. You may want to isolate yourself completely from the world, and if you need to for a little while, that is okay. If you do not have any safe people, you can work towards finding them. Your nervous system needs to heal and rewire towards safety. Your body may not know what safety is. This is where therapy comes in, so follow my steps in this interview and find one that fits. Continue to make choices for You. This goes back to developing a sense of self. Start as small as possible, and identify likes and dislikes. What colors do you enjoy seeing? Look around your space and notice how you feel when you look at different rooms and objects. What sparks your curiosity? What needs to be removed? Notice what foods you like or dislike now. Go and stand in the toy or candy aisle in a store and see what stands out to you. Notice the emotions that come up. Engage in an activity that helps you identify your values and what is most important to you. This is it, you’re building a sense of self. It involves making small choices, seeing what feels right or wrong, and then making bigger decisions because you have acknowledged when you are on the right path and when you are not.
How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?
Friends and family can support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse by believing them. I’m speaking to friends and family now: if and when your friend or family member trusts you enough to tell you about abuse, believe them. You can believe them by listening to their words, and reflecting to them what you hear. You can say things like, “I’m so glad that you’re here”, “Thank you for sharing this with me” and “I’m here for you”. Allow them to cry or vent to process an emotion. By this I mean, as they are expressing something, try not to interrupt or placate or fix. The fact is, you cannot fix what happened to them. They have a journey ahead of them, and this is where it starts. When I left my abusive relationship, the people around me did not know what to do. I had shut down many times because I would hear things like “I’m not sure what you want me to do”. I just needed them to listen and to hear me. Please do not question someone telling you a story of abuse. Examples of this include asking, “Why did you stay? Why didn’t you leave? Why didn’t you tell anyone about this? Why didn’t you tell me about this? How could you be so stupid? How did you get yourself into this situation?” Please do ask questions like “How would you best feel supported right now?” and “How would you best feel safe right now?” It is fairly common for those leaving abusive relationships to continue to view the abuser in a positive light at times, especially soon after leaving. So this means that making comments like, “Oh I hate that person now”, or “I never liked them” can be unhelpful. This person may still be internally battling themselves on what happened and why it happened, blaming themselves or coming up with reasons why they allowed the abuse to occur. They may hear a comment like “That person is awful for what they did to you” and unwittingly take the side of the abuser. That is why it is important to try to center the person telling you this story and try to remain as neutral as possible. It may be best to wait until you hear this person tell you their opinion of the abuser, rather than tell them what your opinion is. It is really about choice, and allowing this person to have choice again, where they may not have had this option before, or for a long time.
What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?
For the clients that I have worked with, therapy plays a major role in recovering from psychological abuse. Finding the right therapist is crucial to the therapy process in general, but finding the right fit to heal from such damaging abuse is vital. To discover the right therapist, and overcome common barriers to accessing therapy, here are some tips:
First, think about what you need from therapy. Take some time with this. That way, when you understand what you are looking for, you can more easily and quickly decide if a therapist is right or wrong for what you need. Consider location, in-person or virtual, insurance or self-pay, therapist gender identity, therapist lived experience, and if you prefer someone to be more direct or to have a gentler approach. Look for a seasoned therapist, and not just their length of time being a therapist but how much experience and training they have in working with survivors of abuse. Ask if they offer free consultations to see if it is a good fit. Ask as many questions as you need to, to ensure that this is a safe person. Just because a person is a therapist, does not make them a safe person to entrust your life story with. Remember, as I recounted my previous abuse from an ex-partner, including details of how they threatened my life, a therapist asked “You do know there are signs, right?” This therapist was cold, unfeeling, and could not understand how this had happened to me. I found myself coming up with reasons why I let the abuse happen and had to stop myself. She was trying to break me down in the first session so that I would see the abuse as my fault. So, ask the therapist how they view abuse, survivors of abuse, if they believe survivors are at fault, and if they truly understand why people do not always leave abusive relationships. This can feel scary and that is okay. This is the time to advocate for yourself, and I know it is difficult. This person should be able to answer these questions if they are to be a good fit for you.
Make sure that the therapist you choose is accepting new clients and is licensed in the state in which you live, or can work with people in your state. If you have insurance, start there. Ask your insurance for a list of therapists. Go down the list and look up their websites, Psychology Today.com pages, and social media pages if available. Read through and decide if you feel connected to their message. Narrow down your list to a few people and reach out by email or phone call. Check to see if the therapist lists their preferred method of contact. If you have insurance, but the therapist you chose does not accept it, ask if they can provide a superbill.
A superbill does require a diagnosis from the therapist. You can send this to your insurance company for possible reimbursement. However, this does not always guarantee that you will be reimbursed. No insurance? Try PsychologyToday.com, which provides lists of therapists from which you can narrow down with chosen criteria such as location, insurance type, type of therapy, and so forth. OpenPathCollective.org provides lists of therapists in your state who can provide low-cost therapy on a sliding scale. This is a range of fees that the therapist chooses, to increase accessibility to services for those who cannot afford the full rate. If you are struggling with paying for therapy, ask your therapist if a sliding scale fee can be paid until you can pay a higher rate. Ask if they offer a monthly rate with a discount for purchasing multiple sessions up-front. You can also try contacting local community mental health centers for low-cost therapy with a therapist intern, although this may limit the type of therapy you can receive. I have also searched for therapists in my state on Instagram and followed them. Many times I will see low-cost therapy sessions and groups, as well as support groups being offered on Instagram posts from these therapists.
Could you name a few organizations or professionals that provide crucial support for individuals seeking to restart their lives after experiencing abuse, particularly when they have dependents relying on them?
My all-time favorite resource to share with individuals who are restarting their lives after abuse, especially when there are dependents involved, is One Mom’s Battle (onemomsbattle.com). Tina Swithin is an author and advocate of those leaving an abusive relationship and has lived experience as well. Her website offers many resources to aid individuals, including books, articles, online pages and groups, and domestic violence resources. There are several One Mom’s Battle Facebook groups listed on the website, and there are groups for moms and dads, respectively. Another favorite resource of mine is the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (ncadv.org). During my own experience with abuse, I appreciated their detailed resources on the signs to look for as well as developing a specific safety plan.
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
If I could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to people, it would be to start an educational revolution in which we are teaching our children about abuse from a very young age. Making it part of the school curriculum, talking about it openly, creating an environment of safety instead of one cloaked in shame, and promoting compassion instead of hate. I believe it is vital to empower children from a young age to be assertive, set boundaries, work with emotions, notice and talk about when something does not feel right to them, and ultimately believe them.
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
My social media pages include Instagram: @theleadcounselor
Facebook: The Lead Counselor
Website: www.theleadcounselor.com
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com.
