Finding hobbies or activities that make you feel good about yourself and life again. Try to have activities that have nothing to do with or that remind you of this person. This is for YOU. Remember: you’re never too old to start something new.
Psychological abuse can leave deep and lasting scars, affecting all aspects of a person’s life. Healing from such toxic relationships requires resilience, support, and effective strategies. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Miss Mackenzee.
Miss Mackenzee has over 20 years as a trauma-informed BDSM and Intimacy Educator, Certified Hypnotist, Relationship & Sexual Wellness Coach, Host of Kink, Intimacy, and Cannabis Lounge Podcast, and founder of BDSM and Intimacy University. She has written and been quoted in numerous publications and is highly sought after for private lessons with individuals and couples as well as presenting at conventions and graduate programs at major universities. One of her greatest passions is guiding those who have suffered trauma and abuse to live more fulfilling lives filled with pleasure in all its forms. Miss Mackenzee prides herself on creating a fostering environment that is safe from societal judgments for people to explore their desires, sexuality and individuality.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?
Igrew up relatively religious and sheltered in a small town in New Jersey. A lot of my family was in the area and I feel like I had a great family support system. Even when I was younger, I was seen as a leader and had a lot of my friends frequently coming to me for advice. My mom likes to say I always had leadership qualities and that people typically wanted to follow what I did. This helped to build my self confidence and positive image through my formative years. I eventually found myself in the realm of professional kink work as a Dominatrix. This work felt very empowering and natural for me, as strange as it sounds.
Unfortunately that didn’t save me and I found myself engaging in relationships that weren’t always the best for me. Through the years I have encountered all forms of abuse and that broke me in a sense, especially what I suffered at the hands of my ex-fiance. I don’t want to get into all that because it gives him power and it took a lot of my energy to heal from my experiences with him. Through that healing process, I delved more into what I really wanted to do with my career as a coach and guide for individuals and couples. Most of my clients have been through trauma and abuse and it’s been really rewarding as I see the improvement my work brings to people’s lives.
Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?
I have an incredible amount of interesting stories, unfortunately I can’t share a lot of them as I’ve signed NDAs and anonymity is important to me. I can share one story that I’m extremely proud of. I had someone come see me who identified as a cis-gendered man who wanted to explore their gender. But they wanted to experience it in a caring and fun way, not in a degrading or humiliating way which is often how feminization is seen. I had such an amazing time with this person and they looked genuinely happy to be made over into a woman. We had conversations about gender and sexuality being a spectrum. Afterwards, they emailed me to share how positive the experience was for them and it helped them to realize how they felt about gender and that they wanted to transition. Years later, they emailed me to share that they were out and living proudly as a trans woman and had a partner that fully supported them. It just fills my heart with such joy to see people living as their authentic selves, unafraid of facing the complexities that may come with that.
One of the biggest lessons I learned from this is that you never know what your influence can do for someone or how much your words can affect someone’s life. Apparently their time with me changed the trajectory of their life in such a positive way.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
There are so many qualities that make someone a success. But for me, the top three are:
Goal-oriented: One part of my daily life is to-do lists. I have many facets to my business and wear many hats so keeping my tasks organized has been instrumental in achieving greatness. As someone who works for themselves, there’s no one to help keep me on track except for myself so having this quality is essential if I want to be successful in my career.
Belief in oneself: Imposter syndrome is very real but sometimes you just have to say “I deserve this.” You also have to ask “do I want more for myself?” And if the answer is yes, then go for it. Don’t let anything stop you.
Compassion: It’s important to treat people as people. Everyone comes from their own experiences that have shaped how they move through life and so offering non judgment can be huge. Everyone deserves compassion. I actually listen and care about my clients, viewing them as more than just a paycheck.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
I just launched the BDSM and Intimacy University Etsy store. I’ve got upcoming and on-demand workshops available as well as guides to help folks have more fulfilling and exciting intimate lives. I’m really proud of what I can offer people as my library of information is pretty large.
I recently started writing articles for a popular kink and sexuality website that has me really excited. My reach has expanded which means I can offer guidance to many more folks now in a way that is more accessible.
Several months ago, I started offering a free monthly discussion group to folks about a variety of topics. So far we’ve talked about power exchange, subspace, aftercare, and topspace with August’s topic being how to create a meaningful atmosphere for intimate experiences. I don’t want finances to ever get in the way of people accessing education which is why I began offering these events.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. Let’s start with a simple definition so that we are all on the same page. How would you define a Toxic Relationship?
A toxic relationship is one where there is a pattern of behaviors, or a cycle of abuse, that leads to people questioning themselves and/or feeling unsafe and insecure in the relationship. They often affect other areas of life such as relationships with friends and family, finances, career, self esteem, and more. Toxic relationships often leave their lasting mark on people who are now left to nurse their wounds.
What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in various types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?
There are so many red flags, warning signs, and symptoms of abuse but it’s going to vary depending on the specific type of abuse suffered. Some common signs are: isolation from friends and family, disrupted nervous system, walking on eggshells, fear of interaction with the toxic person, gaslighting, and being made to feel guilty for personal choices.
Sometimes it can be hard to recognize these so having friends and family point it out might be necessary. Love is often blind so the first inclination might be to fight against what they’re saying but at the end of the day, they truly care about you and your wellbeing. If you start questioning things like your reality, situations that have occurred, or your self worth, then there’s a good chance that the relationship isn’t in a healthy place for you. If you’re finding yourself spending more time crying than not or that the bad times far outweigh the good, then that’s a strong indication that this dynamic probably isn’t right for you.
Addressing the abuse can be difficult because whether a person is being purposefully abusive or not, they are more likely to be defensive and could possibly manipulate the situation even further. If you decide to approach the toxic person, it’s important to use “I” language such as “I feel xyz” rather than saying “you did xyz” because it can fan the flames of an already tricky situation. Someone may benefit from seeking the advice of a mental health professional to guide the conversation or maybe even serve as a mediator for the people in the relationship.
How can someone begin the healing process after leaving a toxic relationship? Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship”?
1 . Cut all ties. That includes blocking on social media. This may mean friends of theirs as well. Remove this person’s access to your life in every way possible.
2 . Finding hobbies or activities that make you feel good about yourself and life again. Try to have activities that have nothing to do with or that remind you of this person. This is for YOU. Remember: you’re never too old to start something new.
3 . Seek a mental health professional that has the qualifications required for the situation. That might mean someone that specializes in trauma and/or different modalities like EMDR, DBT, CBT, somatic work, etc. Find someone that you feel comfortable with which might mean someone that works with queer folks, polyamorous relationship structures, that are BIPOC, etc.
4 . Engage in acts that help you give back, whether that’s volunteer or paid work. For me, working with individuals who have been through all kinds of experiences, has helped me feel like I’m making a difference.
5 . Fall in love with yourself again. That may look like delving into physical activities that help you love your body again like yoga or pilates. Journaling to rediscover who you are now after the abuse. Take yourself out on dates and don’t feel silly about doing it. Celebrate you and all that you’ve overcome.
Following financial abuse, what actionable strategies can individuals employ to rebuild their lives and achieve financial independence? What resources are instrumental in this process?
Most often, financial abuse is just a piece to a larger toxic picture which will mean that healing has multiple aspects to it. I think the first is to forgive yourself. This wasn’t your fault. You’re not necessarily bad with money. You just had someone make you believe that you are. I think it’d be best to hire a financial advisor especially if you were in a financially abusive relationship for a long period of time and don’t know where to start. They are professionals and can guide you towards making healthy choices surrounding finances again. It can be helpful to lay all the bills and debt out so you can see what needs to be tackled first then create a budget that will help support this. I would say to start a savings account, even if it’s with $50 to start and add little bits over time as you can. My suggestion would be to never have someone else’s name attached to this account. Any healthy partner in the future should want you to have things that are for yourself.
For those impacted by multiple forms of abuse, what comprehensive strategies and support systems are most effective in facilitating their healing journey?
I think one of the most important strategies someone can have is to surround themselves with positive people and those that aren’t going to diminish the experience. It might be beneficial to visit support groups to talk with people who have been through similar situations as this can help you feel like you’re not alone. Hearing their stories and how they’ve overcome adversity can help you along your journey and give you ideas of other strategies to try. Having a support system of friends and family that can cheer you on is important. Let them celebrate the fact that you left this abusive situation which is a feat in and of itself. Listen to their words which can be hard at times. It can also be supportive to have someone remind you of how terrible the situation was especially if you tend to reminisce and romanticize the good times. Healing is not linear and sometimes it can feel like you’re going backwards so having someone remind you of how far you’ve come can be crucial. Some folks may not feel like they can make it on their own without that abusive person so really working on self-worth and everything with that is going to be incredibly helpful.
What strategies can survivors use to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence?
As I said, having friends and family that builds you up is so vital to recovery. You have to really take in their words and embody what they’re saying. Something that I tell people to do is to create a playlist that makes you feel more badass and powerful; something that makes you feel like you can take on the world. I highly recommend practicing self love and exploring one’s own body to learn what feels good for them now after enduring what the abuse was. Trauma does change our brains and bodies so we may not have the same desires as previously and that’s okay! I am also a firm believer in repeating mantras daily. Some of my favorites are:
I am worthy.
I am so powerful.
I fall in love with myself more every day.
I am in control of my life and my destiny.
I am open to all the positives that the Universe has to offer.
How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?
I believe one of the biggest ways to support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse is to not dismiss their experience. You weren’t there and don’t know how they were affected so just believe them. Offer validation and highlight the fact they left that situation and you’re proud of them. It can help them to feel empowered to know that they made the right decision and that others support that decision. When helping someone, it’s important to practice empathy, patience, and compassion as they move through the difficult process of healing. Know that someone may not want to participate in certain activities if they’re feeling activated in the moment. Work to avoid their triggers even if they don’t feel like that big of a deal to you. Understand that touch may be difficult for some people depending on the trauma endured. Even something simple such as a hug could be off-putting to someone during their recovery. Or vice versa, someone may want more touch and reassurance. One of the biggest things to remember is to never make someone feel like they’re a burden.
What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?
I believe that therapy plays a huge role in recovering from abuse. A mental health professional can offer coping skills, validation that you’re not alone, a safe and neutral space to talk about what occurred, and so much more. Seeing a therapist on a regular basis offers consistency in someone’s life that may not have been existent before due to the abuse.
If someone has insurance, I would recommend looking on their provider’s website to search for mental health professionals. Then they can Google them and do more research to see if they align with what they’re looking for. They can also see what modalities they offer and choose one that sounds like it could be beneficial for them.
For people who may not have insurance or who live in more rural areas, it may be harder to get access to therapy but there are virtual options now for folks. You can purchase one therapy session at a time or do a monthly subscription which may be helpful. Some therapists offer sliding scale while others may allow you to pay for half hour sessions versus 50 minutes which can help lessen the cost.
Could you name a few organizations or professionals that provide crucial support for individuals seeking to restart their lives after experiencing abuse, particularly when they have dependents relying on them?
Two big virtual sites that I’ve heard positive reviews about are BetterHelp and TalkSpace. They’re advertisements are all over various social media platforms and they seem fairly accessible for folks. If someone is in the adult industry field, there is an organization called Pineapple Support that will match you with a therapist based on your needs for free and discounted therapy sessions. For those who are more aligned with alternative relationship styles and intimacy, I would recommend checking out the Kink-Aware Professionals directory, www.kapprofessionals.org. There are also other organizations like The National Domestic Violence Hotline (www.thehotline.org), RAINN (www.rainn.org), and Futures without Violence which is specifically for those with families and children (www.futureswithoutviolence.org).
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
I’m so over the bigotry, homophobia, transphobia, and hate in the world. If they’re not causing harm to someone, just let them live their life. Regardless of who you love, what you look like, or any other factors, you deserve respect and the right to live peacefully.
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
Folks can check out my website: www.MissMackenzee.com and sign up for my mailing list as social media is becoming increasingly censored. You could follow me on Instagram though, @missmackenzeeagain.
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com .
