Re-creating your boundaries in every aspect of your life is the critical building block towards reclaiming your life as your own. This can be done in every aspect of life: financially, socially, emotionally, psychologically, physically and so on.
Psychological abuse can leave deep and lasting scars, affecting all aspects of a person’s life. Healing from such toxic relationships requires resilience, support, and effective strategies. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Dr Julie Lopez.
Dr. Julie is an award winning trauma expert with over 30 years of experience in the field as an author, speaker, trainer and visionary. Over her career she has founded a number of businesses and programs all centered around healing and thriving in spite of life’s traumas including Viva Partnership, the Trauma Informed Clinical Practice Certification Program and her latest podcast Redefined: breaking through stigma on the mental wellness journey. Her passion for inspiring hope and streamlining results on the path to healing are inspired by her own early trauma.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?
Iwas initially trained and working as a systems engineer but something felt like it was missing. It turns out the true “system” I was meant to work with was the human system and that calling stems from my deepest struggles as an adopted person. I was actually born out of a traumatic situation with two teenagers and then relinquished. I spent the first 3 months of my life in an orphanage until I was adopted by a loving family. Unbeknownst to me, this consciously forgotten early experience was actually remembered in the cells of my being. It had many impacts on my way of navigating the world and unconsciously led me to a career in trauma and my specialty; working with implicit memory. This work has helped me to uncover how to make profound and expedient changes to a person’s well being.
Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?
I have so many interesting stories Wanda but one that is quite memorable was the opportunity to have the world renowned Gabor Maté review and endorse my book Live Empowered. I had attended an intimate talk he gave up in New York City and while many people were waiting to talk to him, my friend who organized the event insisted I be introduced. I actually didn’t want to bother him because I was sure that this was a nuisance to have people flocking around him all the time. Finally, when he had asked for a break from the book signing etc… she introduced me and shared a bit about my career. He was interested in my work and asked for both a copy of my dissertation and my yet unpublished manuscript. I was thrilled! He gave me his personal email and was actually very responsive to my communications. I learned an important lesson about “showing up” that day. My knee jerk reaction was to assume I was inconvenient and unimportant to this famous person. I mean why would Gabor Mate want to talk to me? This lesson about finding the courage to engage no matter the audience has been invaluable to my career.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
The three characteristics most instrumental to my success are optimism, intelligence and definitely tenacity.
Optimism has helped me to take risks to grow the business even when things seemed daunting. It has also helped to lead my team and inspire my clients.
I did not go to school for business for any of my degrees. As an entrepreneur and a leader I have had to learn about so many new things and business principles. My intelligence coupled with my tight knit entrepreneurial community has helped me to learn and apply many methods for running and growing the business.
Tenacity is the lynchpin. Being a business owner is hard. We make mistakes that can have pretty tough consequences. There are times when things are overwhelming or incredibly messy. Tenacity and grit have gotten me through those low moments when moving forward seems impossible. And looking back some of those lows actually turned into pretty incredible growth opportunities along the way.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
I am currently working on a big project to support successful leaders as they enter into what I call their “second act”. It’s the chapter where they craft meaning and purpose into big moves towards reaching their highest potential. The program itself is called the Luminary Leadership Institute that follows a process I have developed and used for over 20 years to foster transformations. I plan to empower leaders on expansive actions from the inside out. We all know that when leaders do big things it has an impact on many.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. Let’s start with a simple definition so that we are all on the same page. How would you define a Toxic Relationship?
A Toxic Relationship is one in which one or both parties exert power and control over the other in any area of relating (emotionally, physically, sexually, financially, psychologically, socially, etc).
What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in various types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?
The most common signs of any type of abuse are elements of power and control being exerted to limit or control freedoms and wellbeing. It is important to pay attention to how YOU feel in the relationship. Do you feel powerless, worthless, or insecure? If yes, you may be engaged in a toxic relationship. Emotionally this could be undermining language like insults or insinuations of inferiority. Financially this could be things like limiting access to funds or exerting control financially to limit freedom. Psychologically this can be things like purposeful silence or neglect of needs. It can include gaslighting. Any of this can happen in any type of relationship. The most powerful thing anyone can do to recognize abuse is to study it and then practice techniques for addressing it. Note: this doesn’t always mean addressing it verbally. Depending on safety and power dynamics, the best way to “address” abuse may be through actions like seeking help. When I worked as a clinician at the DC Rape Crisis Center back in the 90s, we taught long classes on the many different ways to address abuse and the most important take away is that there are many options and that one can always reconnect to their personal power.
How can someone begin the healing process after leaving a toxic relationship? Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship”?
1 . Step out of the self-blame game.
- Many survivors of a toxic relationship are already feeling badly about themselves but the one symptom that is always the same in each person is self-blame. There is a logical reason for this. By blaming oneself you can hold the illusion that if you just change this or that about yourself abuse will never happen again. It not only isn’t true but self-blame can lead to low self esteem and dangerous mood struggles.
2 . Turn focus towards building the ability to trust again.
- When leaving a toxic relationship trust is typically shattered. The process towards rebuilding the ability to trust another person is essential to healing. You can begin with safe people either online or in person. It is important to be patient with yourself and sometimes people need professional help and guidance on this endeavor.
3 . Remember you have personal power.
- Even though you may feel powerless after getting out of a toxic relationship you are never without your personal power. No one and nothing can ever take that away from you. Reconnected with that in all ways is essential to healing.
4 . Boundaries are your friend.
- Re-creating your boundaries in every aspect of your life is the critical building block towards reclaiming your life as your own. This can be done in every aspect of life: financially, socially, emotionally, psychologically, physically and so on.
5 . There is strength in numbers.
- If you have experienced a toxic relationship, you are not alone. And this truth means you are not broken and you are not defective. Work to connect with others who may be further along the path to healing. It is possible to heal, and finding others to share about their journeys towards thriving post abuse can lend some actionable tips and resources to your healing toolbox. No two people are the same so what works for someone may not work for others.
Following financial abuse, what actionable strategies can individuals employ to rebuild their lives and achieve financial independence? What resources are instrumental in this process?
Again, no two people are the same so on a practical level building financial independence may look very different between 2 people after financial abuse. Actionable strategies include working to set up your own bank account and clear any lingering debts. There are many specially trained financial consultants that can be employed to assist in this endeavor. Many local nonprofits that assist with domestic violence have specific resources to assist.
For those impacted by multiple forms of abuse, what comprehensive strategies and support systems are most effective in facilitating their healing journey?
The comprehensive strategies and support systems most effective for facilitating healing to those impacted by many forms of abuse are those that utilize community. There is a very powerful experience that happens in large groups of self-identified survivors.
What strategies can survivors use to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence?
The best strategies for survivors to rebuild self-esteem and confidence include a high frequency of interface with what I call an “affirming witness” or a person that is wholly mirroring and reflective of the survivor in an affirming way. This witness can be a friend, colleague or professional. The act of being regularly validated in this way carries tremendous power for healing. It is also the exact opposite of those relationships where the abuser is undermining or totally invalidating.
How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?
This ties into my last answer! As you are present for your friend or family member work to be that “affirming witness” to what they share or struggle with. This helps the recovery process immensely. This also helps build self-esteem and confidence while honoring the survivors pacing for healing. Survivors may also be extra sensitive to limitations on any freedoms due to the nature of the abuse. Being clear about how to assume agency and autonomy for your friend is also important.
What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?
Therapy can be a huge help in recovering from psychological abuse but it is not necessary. There are many online resources where you can find healing communities as well. Or in person groups or programs through local non-profits set up to help. Therapists can provide custom tailored support and resources but you want to look for one that you click with and that has expertise in healing from abuse.
Could you name a few organizations or professionals that provide crucial support for individuals seeking to restart their lives after experiencing abuse, particularly when they have dependents relying on them?
Even though you may not think of psychological abuse as a form of domestic violence (DV), it actually is. To that end, there is a national domestic violence hotline as well as a national organization to support those getting out of a DV relationship — The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV). Additionally there are often local DV non profits set up to assist in a myriad of ways.
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
I would love love love to de-stigmatize mental health. It’s absurd! We all benefit from being mentally healthy — that is obvious! But getting help on that journey is still seen as weak or the persona being broken somehow. We know we need to be physically healthy. Why is it assumed that being mentally healthy is something only weak people need? I would be sooo happy to truly start that movement.
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
Readers can tune in to my podcast, sign up for our weekly “Healthy Habits” love bombs, or follow us on instagram, FB, or LI. I’m particularly proud of a free online repository that my team ideated 6 years ago, The Resilient Brain Project, which we keep continuously updated.
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
Thank you so much Wanda. And to you as well with all of your work to empower your readers!
About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com .
