Connect with a therapist — Probably not a surprise coming from a therapist, but therapy is incredible because it provides a safe, confidential and non-judgmental space for you to talk about the things that you’ve been through that may not be so easy to discuss. You’ll get the emotional support that you’re looking for and that you need. And you’ll feel validated, and most importantly, empowered to move towards a more fulfilling future.
Psychological abuse can leave deep and lasting scars, affecting all aspects of a person’s life. Healing from such toxic relationships requires resilience, support, and effective strategies. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Jenice Acosta.
Jenice Acosta (she/her) is a bilingual licensed clinical social worker practicing in New York and New Jersey, and a Level 2 Certified Clinical Trauma Professional. She is the founder of Sunlight Psychotherapy, a private practice where she specializes in trauma and grief therapy for adults and first responders. Jenice has supported thousands of individuals in the US, Canada & South America on their healing journey, including in a residential school, women’s rape & domestic violence crisis center, temporary housing for families, substance abuse treatment clinic, and employee assistance program.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?
Thank you for the opportunity to speak with you on this topic! It’s such an honor.
I’m a licensed clinical social worker who grew up in Connecticut and comes from a large Puerto Rican family of humble beginnings. My cousins, siblings and I were the first generation to go to college. Without realizing, I learned the heart and soul of social work through my parents. Because of their love and care for others, our home was a “safe space” where family members could get the support they needed while going through a hard time or leaving a toxic relationship.
In my young adult years, I found myself in a few toxic and abusive relationships, one of which took me all the way to Florida and back. It took patience, love and support from family and friends, whilst developing a serious medical condition before I was able to find my way out of them, and get back on track with my life. Eventually, I completed my bachelor’s degree and went on to study Clinical Social Work at Fordham University, earning my Masters in Social Work.
After two years of graduate school and listening to the inspiring Brene Brown books on audio, I reflected on my past experiences, got deep into therapy, and found self-compassion. In January 2015, I went on a life-changing solo-backpacking trip in South and Central America for 5 months. Traveling alone allowed me to develop a deeper connection with myself and the countries and cultures I was visiting. Most importantly, I learned to trust my intuition again, which was something I had lost in my years of being in toxic relationships.
With a newfound appreciation for life following my backpacking trip, I followed my heart (and my now husband) to Vancouver, BC, Canada, where we lived for 2 years before returning to New York, NY and eventually setting down roots in New Jersey.
Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?
“Keep your head up and keep going. You’re probably not doing as bad as you think.”
There was a time when I was hosting a wellness event with a previous employer, and while I thought things were falling apart, others saw professionalism. The event started off on the wrong foot with all sorts of technical difficulties, but eventually we were able to figure it out. It ended up starting 10 minutes late, and after the guest speaker finished their presentation, I began moderating a debrief and Q&A with audience members. I was already feeling a bit raw and self-conscious because of the initial hiccups, and then during the debrief an audience member shared something that was delicate and a bit inappropriate considering the setting. I felt like I was barely keeping the event together, which at that moment meant failure. However, after the event, the guest speaker came up to me and shared how impressed he was with how I had handled the debrief session with grace and compassion. I was shocked, and then humbled.
Life throws us curve balls all the time, and it’s important not to take ourselves too seriously and simply do the best we can. It’s usually not as disastrous as our inner critic wants us to believe.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Empathy, resourcefulness, and courage.
Empathy helps me understand others’ perspectives and emotions, which fosters trusting relationships and effective communication. In today’s crazy world, where so much of our life feels disconnected from reality, we all want to be seen as humans and feel like we matter.
Resourcefulness helps me think outside the box and find creative solutions for not only myself, but for colleagues and clients as well. Colleagues used to call me “311” in reference to the NYC information line, which I shamelessly embraced.
Courage exhibits a willingness to take risks, make mistakes, and build resiliency. When an opportunity to be courageous comes up, I find it powerful and exhilarating. Whether it’s being asked to get on stage in front of hundreds of people, co-host a podcast, or formulate new partnerships, I see them as opportunities to grow. Even if they didn’t always go as planned, knowing that I tried makes it easier to try again the next time.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
I’m working on making two new treatment techniques available to my clients: Neurofeedback and EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). As a trauma therapist, offering modalities that are evidence-based to support the healing of PTSD, C-PTSD, Anxiety, ADHD and other distressing mental health symptoms that we can experience following trauma, is important. Having tried these modalities myself, I know first-hand how powerful and life-changing they can be, so I’m excited to start making them available to help others in their healing process.
I am also a founding ambassador for a start-up that is seeking to help mental health professionals extend their value beyond client sessions, while reducing feelings of burn-out and improving client outcomes.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. Let’s start with a simple definition so that we are all on the same page. How would you define a Toxic Relationship?
I would define a Toxic Relationship as any relationship, whether friendship, romantic, familial, or professional, that causes us to feel distress more days than not, and negatively impacts our mental and emotional wellbeing, self-esteem, and sometimes, can make us feel unsafe. Toxic relationships can feel traumatic and have potential to impact our future relationships. It’s also important to acknowledge that toxic relationships and abuse occur in all types of relationships, regardless of gender, level of education, religious beliefs, career, race, or socio-economic status.
What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in various types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?
Emotional abuse looks like direct insults, bullying and verbal threats being hurled from the abuser that make us feel like we are not good enough or makes us feel scared for our safety. When we are constantly told that we are not good enough or feel scared to leave, it feels safer for us to stay and continue to endure the emotional pain and the hits to our self-esteem.
Psychological abuse tends to be more complex in its appearance, which makes it even less difficult to target when it’s happening. In psychological abuse, we often see tactics such as manipulation, micromanaging, gaslighting or undermining, and controlling behavior.
In financial abuse, we may experience sabotaging of our source of income, stealing or exploitation of our money or labor, or withholding of wages.
While abuse may look different, the goal of it is to gain and maintain power and control over another individual. Emotional, psychological, and financial abuse all impact our sense of self-esteem, connection with others, and creates a general sense of fear and shame. They also often overlap and can look similar. For example, it may start with a hurtful comment about our appearance or bullying that is never followed up with a genuine apology (emotional abuse), or our partner telling us that we are “crazy” or “too sensitive” to be hurt by the comment and we’re “just overreacting” (psychological abuse). Financial abuse can look like taking $20 without permission or not wanting us to go to work because “they would miss us too much”.
These signs of abuse can happen so quickly, and at times seemingly innocently, that unless we’re tapped into our own emotions and can understand how these situations make us feel, we can easily dismiss them. Overall, it’s important to trust our instinct. Pay attention to that initial ping of hurt you feel following the comment about your appearance and take note. If you notice that you are feeling that ping of hurt often, it’s time to start looking at how to get out of the relationship.
How can someone begin the healing process after leaving a toxic relationship? Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship”?
1 . Connect with a therapist — Probably not a surprise coming from a therapist, but therapy is incredible because it provides a safe, confidential and non-judgmental space for you to talk about the things that you’ve been through that may not be so easy to discuss. You’ll get the emotional support that you’re looking for and that you need. And you’ll feel validated, and most importantly, empowered to move towards a more fulfilling future.
2 . Reconnect with your community — Toxic relationships pull us away from the ones we love and support us most. And we often don’t realize that it’s happening in the moment. So, as you are healing from this toxic relationship make sure you are reaching out to family, friends, loved ones, and your allies in this world. They are the ones who are going to help you get through this. You don’t have to go through this alone.
3. Reclaim your time — To quote Congresswoman Maxine Waters, reclaiming my time. Time is such a precious and fleeting resource. It’s important to fill it with things that are meaningful and bring us joy. And while we’ll never get back the time that we spent in that toxic relationship, we have the opportunity to choose differently today. So how are you going to spend your time? Are you going to read a book? Meet up with a friend? Volunteer at an organization that is meaningful to you? The beautiful thing is that the choice is now yours. So, what are you going to do with your time?
4 . Remind yourself that it’s not your fault — No one goes through this world looking for a toxic relationship and you certainly didn’t either. It was something that happened because of someone else’s behavior and we can’t control anyone else’s behaviors.We can only control our own. So, as you are in this healing process, make sure to remind yourself that you did not ask for a toxic relationship and that it is not your fault.
5 . Write down 3 things you are grateful for everyday — This is a little mindfulness practice that I encourage all my clients to engage in, whether they are leaving a toxic relationship or not. It’s a brain hack that encourages our brain to start to see the positive things that are happening throughout the day, because so often it’s the negative that stays with us and keeps us up at night. So, everyday, before you go to bed, take a moment and reflect on and write down, if you can, three things that you are grateful for or that went well that day. Or a mix of the two. It can be something simple like “I’m grateful that the sun was shining today.” Or it can be a little more complex, “I think I handled that situation with my colleague really well today.” Either way, again, we want to shift our brain into noticing the positive. The more that we practice this, over time we’ll start to see that the positive things are more common, they’re more prevalent in our life, as opposed to the negative. This can be really helpful when healing from a toxic relationship because it shows us that there is so much more out there that brings us joy, makes us feel alive, and that we have more to live for.
Following financial abuse, what actionable strategies can individuals employ to rebuild their lives and achieve financial independence? What resources are instrumental in this process?
First things first, get a free credit report to make sure there aren’t any accounts open in your name that you are not aware of. Thanks to the Fair Credit Reporting Act (FCRA), federal law entitles you to a free credit report once every 12 months (visit AnnualCreditReport.com, or call 1–877–322–8228). If you notice any discrepancies, you can begin the process to dispute and rectify it. This is a process and takes time, and can be frustrating, but with time, self-compassion, and maybe help from loved ones, you can take control of your finances again.
Second, you want to make sure the abuser doesn’t have access to any of your accounts. That may look like creating a new email address and changing your log-in information and passwords to your accounts, or even moving accounts to a different institution.
Throughout these processes, be kind to yourself and remind yourself that it is not your fault that you are in this situation. You can recover from it and get your finances under control again.
The National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) has resources available to individuals who have survived or are currently enduring financial abuse. They partner with local domestic violence programs to help individuals regain control of their finances through microloans and financial planning and empowerment programs. To access these services, find your local domestic violence program by calling the national hotline 1–800–799-SAFE.
For those impacted by multiple forms of abuse, what comprehensive strategies and support systems are most effective in facilitating their healing journey?
The experience of abuse is complex, especially when impacted by multiple forms of abuse. To facilitate your healing journey, it’s important to seek support from programs that offer access to various resources, such as legal support, financial support, and counseling or peer support programs. No matter where you are in the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1–800–799-SAFE) is the best place to start so you can connect to local programs that can support you, and anyone else who may be dependent on you.
What strategies can survivors use to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence?
Find your “safe place” and know that you are not alone in this. Safe spaces are vital in our healing process. Your safe place can look like connecting with allies and others who can understand what you’ve gone through or are going through, such as Facebook Groups, support groups, friends and family, or a therapist. If you’re not yet ready to reach out to others, you can also find a safe place in podcasts, books, or other media where you can hear stories of others who survived similar situations and feel validated and hopeful again.
How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?
Listen! That’s it. Simply listen. When you have the mental and emotional space to sit with your loved one and listen, without judgment and without trying to fix it, you can help them feel supported and loved. If while you’re listening, you find yourself wanting to give advice, check in with them if that is what they are looking for at that moment. You can say something like “I hear what you’re saying and I want to best support you. What do you need from me at this moment? Do you need to just be heard, are you looking for advice, or do you need me to help you with something else?”
If you find that you don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to listen to them at that moment, that’s ok! You are human, and we can’t always be emotionally available to others. You can let them know by gently saying something like “I really want to support you right now, but I have a lot on my mind and can’t give you my full attention. Can we talk tomorrow?” It’s a win/win. You communicate what you need in that moment, while giving them the power to choose to wait and speak tomorrow, or seek out another ally who can be attentive to what they need in that moment.
What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?
Therapy is meant to be a non-judgmental and compassionate space where we can safely let our guards down and heal. Because abuse can be a traumatic experience, having a therapist who specializes in trauma will help you get started on the path to deep inner healing. Depending on your individual history of experiences, you may want to seek someone who specializes in Internal Family Systems (IFS), Parts Work, Somatic Therapy or EMDR.
The most essential thing to consider when seeking a therapist, is that you want to work with someone who you connect with. You will be sharing your deepest thoughts and most vulnerable experiences, so it is crucial that you feel comfortable being honest and being yourself with them so you can find the deepest healing possible.
The most common barriers to accessing therapy are cost and location. However, thanks to the widespread availability of telehealth therapy, gaining access to therapists who are in-network with insurance plans or who offer low-cost or sliding scale rates has never been easier.
You also can see a therapist anywhere in the state you are located in. So if you live in a big city, but big city prices of therapy don’t fit within your budget, consider seeking a therapist who is in a more rural area of your state that is within your budget. There are therapists in rural areas who are equally qualified to support you, as the therapists who are in the cities.
Additionally, if you have out-of-network benefits and find a therapist who is not in-network with insurance, you can submit a “superbill” to your insurance company and you may be reimbursed for your therapy services.
Could you name a few organizations or professionals that provide crucial support for individuals seeking to restart their lives after experiencing abuse, particularly when they have dependents relying on them?
Absolutely! The best place to turn to is the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The hotline is available 24/7 and provides free and confidential support. They can connect you to local resources for you and your dependents, including financial resources, housing, counseling services, and many more. They can be found online at thehotline.org, or can be reached via phone at 1–800–799-SAFE (7233), or by texting “START” to 88788.
Other places you can find resources is on findhelp.org, where you can find free or reduced-cost resources by zip code, or by dialing 211 to reach the UnitedWay’s confidential resource helpline.
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
If I could start a movement, it would be to hone into your unique path of healing. For some people healing looks like medication, therapy, and massage, while for others it looks like reiki, yoga, and acupuncture. There is no one way to heal, and just as your lived experience is unique to you, so is YOUR healing process. There are so many different treatment modalities and holistic ways to heal that there is no one size fits all. Be curious, explore, and find your path to healing. The peace and happiness you will find on the other side will make the journey worthwhile.
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
You can learn more about me and my private practice at www.sunlight-psychotherapy.com, or you can find me on Instagram @sunlight_psychotherapy and on Facebook at Sunlight Psychotherapy.
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
Thank you for having me! It’s truly an honor to be part of Authority Magazine.
About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com .
