Self-compassion and self-forgiveness. It can be so easy to blame yourself for being or remaining in a toxic relationship. This harsh self-criticism does nothing to help you heal. Instead, extend compassionate grace to yourself for what you didn’t understand as an earlier version of yourself, forgiving yourself for mistakes made, and give yourself room to grow.
Psychological abuse can leave deep and lasting scars, affecting all aspects of a person’s life. Healing from such toxic relationships requires resilience, support, and effective strategies. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Dr. Deborah Vinall.
Deborah is a Doctor of Psychology, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and author of two award-winning, international best-selling books: Gaslighting: A Step-by-Step Recovery Guide to Heal from Emotional Abuse and Build Healthy Relationships, and Trauma Recovery Workbook for Teens. She runs Tamar Counseling Services, a successful private practice in Southern California.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?
Igrew up in Kelowna, Canada, in a trailer house nestled amongst pine trees in the side of a mountain. I slid down snow in the winter and dirt mounds in the summer and fed carrots to wild horses. When I was seventeen, I was kicked out of my home and had to find my own way to survive in a cold and dangerous world. As a child I experienced psychological abuse but I have had the very unusual experience of fostering a healthy, loving marriage as an adult. I say unusual because the patterns we learn in childhood tend to be repeated in our choices of romantic partners due to the beliefs instilled about ourselves, others, and what is “normal.” I was always a stubborn and rebellious child, so perhaps you could say I rebelled against accepting that legacy and inheritance! I moved to the Los Angeles area at the age of 18 in pursuit of an acting career, but after a few years I wanted something more meaningful and impactful, and began studying psychology toward degrees in human development, marriage and family therapy, and clinical psychology.
Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?
I began my career working in group homes with children and adolescents who had been abused, then with youth at-risk of incarceration or transitioning back into the community. I’ve worked pro-bono in a shelter for survivors of sex trafficking, provided contract work with mass shooting survivors, and I run a private practice specializing in helping clients heal from trauma and overcome the effects of dysfunctional relationships. If there is one thing my experience has taught it is that the legacy of emotional abuse is incredibly long and the wounds deep. While I work regularly with survivors of sexual trauma and physical abuse, I have found the accompanying or stand-alone psychological abuse is the hardest to undo, as it shapes our very foundational sense of self, and is often what created the vulnerability to the other abuses in the first place. However, change and healing are always possible, and I have the immense privilege and honor of witnessing these transformations take place week by week in my brave clients lives.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Vision: Without vision, we have no direction, and consequently accomplish little. I am clear in my purpose, which is to help people heal from trauma.
Passion: True success isn’t about money or things others can measure about your life. Success is living out your passion and in congruence with your values. I feel so lucky to spend my life doing work that is personally meaningful about which I am passionate.
Compassion: While not necessarily a trait commonly associated with ideas of success, compassion is essential to who I am and what I do. I would be ineffective as a trauma therapist without empathy, and others say this is what makes my writing so powerful, as well.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
I am! I recently signed with an amazing literary agent, Rachelle Gardner, to represent me on my next book. I’m keeping the title under wraps for now, but this book will combine self-help with memoir elements to present a powerful guide on overcoming the wounds of ostracization and rejection to develop a secure sense of belonging within self, with others, and within the world at large. So many of us carry an invisible burden of feeling that we don’t belong, that there is something wrong with us that separates us from our fellow humankind. And this is enormously harmful, as we are innately communal creatures, thriving most when connected with others. My next book aims to shift that mindset and bring healing to the core wounds that keep us separate.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. Let’s start with a simple definition so that we are all on the same page. How would you define a Toxic Relationship?
A toxic relationship is one that is consistently harmful to your mental health due to repeated intentional or callous acts. A toxin is a poison. In a toxic relationship, behavior patterns poison your interpersonal dynamic and consequently, your well-being.
What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in various types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?
Abuse occurs when someone prioritizes their wants and needs at the expense of others. Abusive people are willing to manipulate, extort, and harm others for personal gain, regardless of the psychological cost. In a normal relationship, people do hurt one another, but pain is not intended and when there is awareness, there are efforts at change and repair. Emotionally abusive people do not take responsibility, do not change, and do not attempt amends for harm caused. Rather, they excuse their own behavior and even blame you for the maltreatment you receive.
Emotional or psychological abuse includes patterns of yelling, shaming, belittling, name-calling, gaslighting (undermining someone’s trust in themself, often by repeated accusations of being “crazy”), and purposely embarrassing a person in front of others. It usually involves cyclical patterns of harshness followed by shallow remorse or charm, before returning to abuse once again. These patterns keep the target from seeing the problematic behavior clearly and keep them trapped within the abuse cycle. Psychological abuse may be calm and calculated or loud and uncontrolled. Both are damaging as they undermine their target’s confidence and sense of self, whether it happens in childhood or within the context of a romantic or workplace relationship.
Financial abuse involves controlling another’s finances and using someone else’s money for personal profit. The controlling person in a couple might not allow the other to have personal accounts or deny access to joint accounts. They may coerce a vulnerable person into co-signing a loan that they default on. For example, the home healthcare worker of an elderly patient I worked with had him sign papers to take out a loan for her to get a new car without the elderly man understanding what he was signing, leaving him legally responsible for the car payment on a vehicle he never saw. In a more common example, controlling husbands of female clients I’ve worked with keep financial records hidden from them, lie about account balances, and treat themselves extravagantly outside of the home while the wife struggles to cover food and self-care expenses. This behavior pattern is a form of psychological abuse that co-occurs with emotional abuse and gaslighting.
To fully understand the breadth of emotional abuse, how to recognize it and effectively address it, I encourage readers to pick up a copy of Gaslighting: A Step-by-Step Recovery Guide to Heal from Emotional Abuse and Build Healthy Relationships. I can only provide a “quick-and-dirty” overview in the space of this interview. The more familiar you become with the red flags of abusive people, the better prepared you are to recognize it from the outset when it is easier to exit, before becoming entangled. Watch out for superficial charm, self-absorption, a desire to be in control, respected, and worshipped, combined with telltale signs of low self-esteem such as frequent bids for affirmation and focus on appearance that are expressed as narcissism. Watch how this person treats others who are not typically seen as equals, such as strangers and service personnel. Abusive people will treat such people with disdain and derision, while healthy individuals will demonstrate respect for their human value regardless of whether they are in a position to elevate them. How they treat others foreshadows how they are likely to treat you.
How can someone begin the healing process after leaving a toxic relationship? Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship”?
1 . Self-compassion and self-forgiveness. It can be so easy to blame yourself for being or remaining in a toxic relationship. This harsh self-criticism does nothing to help you heal. Instead, extend compassionate grace to yourself for what you didn’t understand as an earlier version of yourself, forgiving yourself for mistakes made, and give yourself room to grow.
2. A solid support circle. Surround yourself with supportive others who will encourage and lift you up, listen and comfort you, and make you laugh. Those with a solid support system are less tempted to return to abusive dynamics and have more resilient self-esteem. If the abusive dynamic has caused you to become estranged from others, reach out to old friends and make an effort to rekindle those connections.
3. Boundaries. This means the lines in the sand you draw to protect your emotional and physical space. It defines the distance from which you can love yourself and others at the same time. Boundaries protect you from the inevitable attempts of the emotionally abusive person to pull you back into his or her influence and control.
4. Time and space to reflect and heal. Many people are tempted to jump into a new relationship to heal the empty-feeling places inside or to distract from the pain. There’s a common but very misguided saying that “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” While clever-sounding, this advice is flawed and ineffectual, and likely to lead to a repetition of past patterns. Give yourself time to reflect on the past relationship, what hurt, what went wrong, and what you want to be different next time. Spend time journaling, reading self-help books (such as Gaslighting: A Step-by-Step Recovery Guide!), and perhaps diving deeper in therapy.
5 . Intentional self-care and self-love. If you’re exiting a toxic relationship, you’ve spent a long time being taught the lie that you’re not worthy of love. You must be intentional in undoing the tendrils of this lie and replacing it with actions that demonstrate to yourself its opposing truth. This can involve instilling healthy habits, caring for yourself as you would someone you love with good food, recreation, and enough sleep; learning what your own interests are and giving yourself permission to pursue them, and carving out time with caring friends. As you get used to being loved well (by you!) you make space to expect and accept it from others.
Following financial abuse, what actionable strategies can individuals employ to rebuild their lives and achieve financial independence? What resources are instrumental in this process?
You first need to gain a comprehensive view of your financial situation and ensure that you have regained full control of your finances from others. Change passwords, close accounts and open new ones. Set solid boundaries around sharing financial information. Consider consulting with a financial planner and have the courage to be forthright about mistakes made as well as goals for your financial future. Secure independent employment or pursue job training. Trust that you can make good financial decisions without the controlling input of others.
For those impacted by multiple forms of abuse, what comprehensive strategies and support systems are most effective in facilitating their healing journey?
Finding a therapist to support you in your healing journey is invaluable. When you have been hurt within relationships, you need a safe reparative relationship to help you overcome. Critically evaluate the people in your life and determine who supports you for you, and who tries to change or use you. Give yourself permission to let go of those who tear you down and lean into those who build you up.
What strategies can survivors use to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence?
To rebuild self-confidence and esteem, it is essential to go to the roots where they first became damaged. Consider when you last felt good in your own skin, confident, and secure in the knowledge that you are a good and likeable person. When did you begin to question and doubt this? Chances are it goes far back. Allow yourself to remember what happened to cause you to question your worth and speak words of love and reassurance to those inner parts. Write letters of affirmation to your younger self. Consider what words of self-affirmation you need to hear and write these on notecards in strategic places you will see often. Repeat these affirmations daily. Surround yourself with friends who lift you up. Engage in a hobby or activity you enjoy to build your confidence. If you struggle with any of these strategies, seek out a good therapist who can help.
How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?
Listen. Don’t judge, lecture, or question their experience. Help rebuild a sense of trust in relationships by being consistent, reliable, and trustworthy in word and action. Offer to listen, but don’t push. Avoid the temptation to bash the abusive ex or family member, because as clear as it may feel from the outside that they must be a horrible person, your loved one had a mixed experience of abuse and attachment, and this may make it harder for them to open up. Be willing to remind them of specific examples if they begin to question whether they over-reacted in retreating from the relationship and remind them that they deserve unconditional love and respect.
What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?
Therapy is an invaluable tool in recovery. Because the trauma occurred within relationship, healing will occur most effectively within the bounds of a healthy, reparative relationship. A skilled and compassionate therapist can help the person overcoming psychological abuse to sort through their experiences and label them appropriately, explore the vulnerabilities that led them to accepting this treatment, heal the emotional wounds, and build up confidence to prevent a repetition of the abuse cycle in a new relationship. Therapists specializing in Internal Family Systems (IFS), Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Brainspotting, and Somatic Experiencing therapies are well-equipped to facilitate healing from relationship trauma.
You can look for a therapist via a local google search, or in online directories such as Psychology Today, Theravive, EMDRIA.org, or Brainspotting.com. If cost is a barrier, consider contacting a local university that trains therapists for low- or no-cost treatment with a trainee. County-run community mental health centers also have low-cost therapy. For those exiting an abusive relationship in which a police report was made for a domestic violence event, state Victim Compensation Boards may cover the cost of therapy — contact your local district attorney for information.
Could you name a few organizations or professionals that provide crucial support for individuals seeking to restart their lives after experiencing abuse, particularly when they have dependents relying on them?
There are so many wonderful organizations that support individuals with and without children exiting abusive relationships. It would be impossible to name them all. In my local area, Purple Hearts provides shelter support and services. Your best bet to find local help, besides google, would be to text 88788 or call 800–799–7233, the national domestic violence hotline.
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
I would encourage people everywhere to live by my mantra, Lead with Love. If we could all commit to seeing the inherent human worth in every living soul, and respond with love regardless of political disagreement, religion, or appearance, we would create a kinder, more compassionate, and more collaborative world wherein we could diminish so much of the suffering our hate, self-protection, and division causes. This applies not only to our approach to others, but begins with ourselves. When you look in the mirror, lead with love. When your kids walk through the door, lead with love. When you have to confront someone, be bold, but lead with love. When you disagree, speak your thoughts, but always, always lead with love.
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
Visit my website at www.drdeborahvinall.com where you can download a free decision tree flow chart for what to do when in an emotionally abusive relationship, and check out my book Gaslighting: A Step-by-Step Recovery Guide to Heal from Emotional Abuse and Build Healthy Relationships. You can also sign up to be notified of my next book release, and find links to my blog and social media handles!
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com .
