If you have broken free from the relationship but continue to maintain some degree of contact, I would address the underlying vulnerabilities to doing so with a professional or skilled and supportive friend or family member as soon as possible.
Psychological abuse can leave deep and lasting scars, affecting all aspects of a person’s life. Healing from such toxic relationships requires resilience, support, and effective strategies. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing John Hawkins Jr.
John Hawkins Jr., M.S., L.M.H.C., is a licensed psychotherapist and certified trauma expert that specializes in couple’s therapy and all forms of trauma, as well as associated mental health issues. John has assisted thousands of clients in recovering from relational traumas of all forms at his center in South Florida www.hawkinscounselingcenter.com
John utilizes the most current neuroscience-based modalities, such as, Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), Internal Family Systems, Brainspotting, Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), and Somatic Experiencing to rapidly harness individuals innate healing capacities that allows them to not only recover but to thrive and activate their full potential in all areas of life.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?
Psychotherapy is my third career. I began as a musician in my late teens; I am a guitar player. Music was all consuming for me. However, by the time I was nearing thirty years old, being financially broke began to become more painful than not playing music full-time. I decided to step away from music and entered the hospitality business until I could find a new path.
I waited tables, managed, and eventually settled into bartending. At the age of thirty-five, I made a decision to focus on identifying what my life calling would be. I had no idea what that may be at the time. However, after months of reading, conversations, meditation, and research, I began to recall the passion I had for the human mind and helping people that began at the age of four when my father worked with adolescents and was a martial arts practitioner.
As I continued to explore this topic, a passion began to rise inside of me that became all-consuming. I not only had identified my path but was convinced I would never be fulfilled if I did not pursue it. I had only a high school degree at the time. The idea of acquiring two degrees, an internship, and 1,500 post grad hours seemed very daunting, but I knew there was no alternative. The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once state, “He who has a big enough WHY can bare almost any HOW” I now had my WHY.
The journey from where I began to today has born much fruit. Many of my clients arrive struggling with major life decisions: should I leave this unhealthy or dissatisfying relationship, change careers to something more fulfilling, or pursue a lifelong passion. As a result of my own experience through these dilemmas, I’m able to more effectively be a resource for them. Furthermore, I’m a big believer nothing in life is wasted if you allow it to teach you. My first two careers of being a musician and a bartender were foundational to developing the skills I needed as a psychotherapist.
Real therapy is improvisational art, similar to music. And in bartending, I had to hone the skill of developing quick connections with all types of individuals. Moreover, you must genuinely like people and love to connect with them. As I sit here today, I am glad I lost music, as painful as it was at the time, and gratified I became a psychotherapist. When I began walking this path my aspiration was to make a difference in one person’s life. After working with over ten thousand clients and counting, I feel truly blessed.
Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?
This is an almost impossible question for me to answer. I could writer several books with all the experiences I’ve had with clients over the last fifteen years. What comes to mind as I’m writing this is a session I did with a construction worker from New York City who developed PTSD from working at ground zero in the initial days following the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
The client asserted he was open to doing Eye Movement Desensitization Therapy (EMDR) because other clients had shared their positive experiences with using this modality. However, the client said he had been to both individual and group therapy and, although it had been somewhat helpful, was resigned to the fact he would have to live with some level of the trauma and learn how to manage it for the rest of this life.
As we began engaging in EMDR therapy, the client recalled numerous images of the magnitude of the death and destruction at the site. He processed anger, sadness, and various body sensations. After a period of approximately forty-five minutes, he transitioned to spontaneous thoughts and positive emotions associated with coming to acceptance of what had occurred. Furthermore, the client event stated he felt proud of himself for having the courage to do this job and contribute to his fellow citizens.
By the end of the session, the client could no longer experience any physical activation or negative emotions when recalling the event. Moreover, he continued to express his subjective sense of peace and acceptance of what had transpired. He then began to cry and share he felt a sense of gratitude to me for the session and what he had achieved. He stated, “I don’t know if you can grasp what you have done for me.” “I believed I would have to carry this burden forever, and now I feel completely free from it.”
Being able to participate in helping someone heal in such a rapid and transformative way is not only tremendously rewarding and fulfilling, but it also continues to exemplify that has human beings we are ‘wired to heal.’ We have such an innate capacity to heal and self-correct. We only need to be guided into how to access this ability. It resides within each of us no matter what you have endured, you can still experience what we refer to in psychology as post traumatic growth. I’ll close this recollection and what I have learned with a quote from Ernest Hemingway, “The world breaks everyone, and some grow strong at the broken places.”
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
I would have to say the most important of the three traits is compassion. There are often numerous misperceptions about what psychotherapy truly entails. And although I constantly train and strive to become more proficient at my craft, none of it will be effective if my client does not feel emotionally safe and cared for by me. They will not be able to access their healing capacities due to neurologically having some level of a fight, flight or freeze state activated.
The foundation of emotional safety will be established on the degree of genuine compassion and acceptance they feel from me. After working with thousands of clients, I have a very different perspective of individuals than the average person. I am looking deeper than their surface level behaviors and appreciate there is often a deeply wounded part of them that drives their external actions. This viewpoint allows me to experience and maintain a great deal of compassion for them.
The second essential character trait towards my success is persistence, or a form of this in psychological terms is referred to as grit. Grit is defined as — passion + persistence sustained over time. Stanford University psychologist, Angela Duckworth, has done extensive research around this topic and presented it in her groundbreaking book, Grit. I inform many of my clients in the early period of their treatment that every client I have ever worked with who has not quit has succeeded.
There were many times in my early career as a trauma specialist in which it seemed no significant progress was occurring, or my client was still relationally defended and would not let me in. As a result, I would feel incompetent as a clinician and wonder if I should refer my client to someone who knew what they were doing. But the act of not quitting is what often would win the day. As my client finally progressed and achieved their therapeutic goals, they would regularly inform me they began to feel more worthy as a result of me never giving up on them despite the lack of progress or their resistance. I frequently refer to this as the ‘pickle jar’ effect: You just keep trying to open the lid, and one day it pops open, but it never would have without all the failed efforts.
The third most influential character trait to my success is empathy. This is the capacity to truly take in another’s experience without judgment or any attempt to change it. The most crucial initial goal in my work with clients is to undo aloneness. This cannot be achieved until I can experience a felt sense of their experience. There are many who believe they are empathetic. But empathy is not sympathy. Empathy is the ability to feel with another. This necessitates non-judgmental curiosity; you are not asking the other person to justify or defend their experience, nor are you making any effort to persuade or change them. It is understanding for understandings sake. That is the end goal. It is the integration of compassion, empathy, and persistence that is the core of my work with clients.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
Currently, I am working on a course on burnout for corporations that is quite extensive and includes developmental, cultural, political, social, and spiritual contributions to burnout. It will provide much deeper, and more impactful, interventions to address the root causes of burnout beyond surface level management, such as meditation, time-management, and breathwork. Although these are all good things I advocate for, they are coping mechanisms in most cases incapable of fully addressing the etiology of burnout.
It is my aspiration to reach a much broader audience that could lead to positive changes in our transforming our toxic achievement identities and make positive changes to our ‘win at all costs’ work environments.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. Let’s start with a simple definition so that we are all on the same page. How would you define a Toxic Relationship?
A consistent pattern in which one partner is controlling, dominating, neglectful, psychologically, emotionally, sexually, or financially abusive and exhibits limited capacity to allow their partner to have their own individuality.
These types of relationships always display a degree of narcissism by the toxic partner and lead to fear, shame, isolation, and self-doubt culminating often into a loss of self, which then can immobilize the person from extricating themselves from the toxic partner. Although toxic relationships can vary in degrees of severity, they will have some level of profile of these characteristics.
What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in various types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?
Early warning signs that may not be as apparent to the individual or family and friends are difficulties for the toxic partner to allow the other partner to have their individual experience, such as having their unique thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and perspective. The toxic partner is often appalled or threatened by any divergence in their partner’s perspective.
They struggle to allow or understand their partner’s viewpoint. They frequently invalidate, dismiss, demean, or gaslight their partner. These types of relationships are the opposite of an egalitarian relationship. The toxic partner typically controls the finances, decision-making, or allocation of additional resources, such as time. They don’t see the other partner as having the right to be distinctive. “If I want to buy this, you should support me.” “If I want sex, you should accommodate me.” “We should do and go where I want to.”
Again, there are degrees of severity in these relations. Some exhibit more subtle signs of these behaviors, while others are in the abusive category with significant psychological, sexual, and financial abuse. These individuals are often incapable of managing any level of conflict in a healthy manner. They will intimidate, coerce, threaten, persuade, or stonewall to get their way. Moreover, they will often be blind to why their partner feels dissatisfied, depressed, alone, or neglected.
Toxic partners are also often threatened by their partner spending time with family, friends, or engaging in individual pursuits, which leads to isolation, being cut off from relational supports and diminishment of one’s sense of self. If you are uncertain if the relationship you are exploring, or are currently in is toxic to some level, there are several markers you can use to assess for unhealthy or positive characteristics.
The first of these is does the other person allow me to have my own unique experience. Can they make space for my perspective or feelings around a given situation? They don’t have to agree, but can they validate your right to have your own view? This capacity is essential for a healthy, long-term relationship. There is no way to resolve conflict without this ability.
The next filter is can they take ownership and repair. One’s ability in this area exhibits a sufficient degree of self-worth. Toxic behaviors are primarily driven by a sense of shame and inferiority, even though it may not appear so on the surface. Having a healthy sense of self-worth leads to positive relational behaviors. We are all imperfect and make mistakes, which is not a problem as long as we can own and repair them. If you were out to dinner last evening with your partner, and they shut down towards the end after becoming triggered by something you said, an emotionally healthy person may speak to you the next morning and express something to this effect, “I wanted to acknowledge I shut down at the end of dinner last evening. I’m aware I do this sometimes, and I’m working on it. However, I wanted to apologize for how this may have affected you.”
If a partner can do this, it is a positive indicator of their level of emotional health and relationship skills. One clarification I would like to make at this point is in assessing a partner’s level of health or toxicity, we are referring to patterns, not isolated situations. We are all less than our best at times and would not like to be labeled by a bad moment. However, when there is a repetition of these negative behaviors this is a different context and is more concerning.
A final metric for assessing health or toxicity is one’s ability to communicate their needs and wants directly, clearly, and respectfully. The partner does not demand, demean or coerce. A healthy partner looks for, and is committed to, identifying mutually satisfying solutions; they don’t want to obtain their need at their partner’s expense. Contrastingly, some toxic partners take the approach of avoidance, silent treatment, or passive-aggressive behaviors. They use these behaviors manipulatively and stockpile resentments as justifications for their neglectful and abusive behaviors.
How can someone begin the healing process after leaving a toxic relationship? Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship”?
- The first step to healing from a toxic relationship is to make sure you have to the best of your ability fully extricated yourself from the relationship. If there is an ongoing threat, it can create challenges to your recovery. I want to emphasize I am not saying you cannot heal and recover, but it may make it more difficult at times.
If you have broken free from the relationship but continue to maintain some degree of contact, I would address the underlying vulnerabilities to doing so with a professional or skilled and supportive friend or family member as soon as possible.
These vulnerabilities can include fear of not responding due to threats by the toxic ex-partner, fear of aloneness, shame associated with believing no one else would ever want to be with you as a result of a diminished sense of self from being emotionally abused in the relationship, financial fears, etc.
In the cases of having to share custody and coparent, having financial entanglements, such as a shared business or conjoined assets, or being unable to eliminate all social or employment interactions, I would suggest developing a plan to continue to eliminate as many contacts as possible and effective strategies for managing the necessary interactions. Some of these tactics and interventions will be external and some internal. You can become much more resilient to a toxic coparent by resolving how they impact you emotionally; achieving this objective will neuter their efforts.
2. The second step, which may have begun in order to achieve extricating yourself from the relationship, is to identify and obtain resources and supports. Due to the pattern of isolation a person often becomes cut off from supportive relationships that were threatening to the toxic partner. The abused partner often lacks, or has minimal, financial resources. In most instances, they also lack self-confidence, as well as belief in their abilities, perspective, or sense of worth.
If there were preexisting relational resources, I would encourage the person to begin reconnecting with them. Oftentimes, shame is an impediment to doing so. The abused partner is frequently embarrassed they allowed the behavior of the toxic partner or consented to the cutting off from family and friends. Accessing assistance, such as a support group for abused partners or a psychotherapist can be helpful in resolving the shame in order to begin redeveloping one’s social support.
As a result of financial abuse, attaining financial assistance is often needed. This may entail government resources, such as food stamps or guidance in how to attain additional resources through government or non-profit organizations. In cases where the abused partner had no access to finances or knowledge in how to manage them, a financial coach or mentor of some type may be needed. This could be anything from a professional financial advisor, a financially literate friend or family member, or books and YouTube channels dedicated to this topic.
Another necessary resource may be a family law attorney to protect one’s financial future. This is crucial in cases of attempting to conceal financial resources by the toxic partner, or refusal to comply with child support or alimony payments. In cases of limited financial means, many of the necessary forms can be obtained and filed at one’s local court. It has been my experience with clients in these situations the court employees have typically been helpful as my client shares some of their situation. You can also obtain assistance from a supportive friend or family member to compete the paperwork or access online resources.
Developing relational resources as fast as possible is imperative. It is very common for an abused partner to return to the toxic partner because of threat, financial fears, fear of aloneness, etc. Others will immediately jump into another relationship as a reaction to the aforementioned fears only to find themselves in another toxic relationship that could be worse than the one they left. Having relationships to support, guide, and compassionately challenge during this period is crucial. All this is too big for anyone to endeavor on their own.
For my clients who don’t presently have social support, we begin with myself and build from there. If you currently have no one, one place to start is with books, articles, and videos from those who have gone through your experience and made it out the other side. There is tremendous power in the undoing of aloneness. In severe cases, access to medical resources may be a necessary part of support. A person may have endured physical abuse and neglect that require ongoing medical attention. You can begin by doing a search of local resources.
3. The third step to overcoming a toxic relationship is to process the trauma experienced as a result of the relationship. I would like to point out at this juncture that these steps are non-linear at times. One could begin obtaining resources or engaging in emotional healing to be able to leave the relationship or doing step three work to process trauma and have to return to step on or two as a result of changes in circumstances, such as job loss, legal action, or relationship conflicts.
In my experience, one cannot truly begin to get in touch with what they have endured until they are sufficiently removed from it. A person is frequently in such a ‘fight or flight’ or dissociated state in an effort to survive the toxic relationship they are not in touch with the magnitude of its negative impact. This occurs slowly over time as there is space for it. As one begins to recover, they are often in shock at their increasing realization of how toxic and abusive the relationship was.
Furthermore, the trauma they experienced in the relationship may have landed on top of preexisting relational traumas from prior abusive relationships or childhood trauma. This regularly presents as my client believing they are being overreactive to negative aspects of the relationships and feeling shame as a result. I inform them I typically find prior emotional wounds that were never healed that become neurologically linked with the injuries endured from the toxic relationship. I find this to be true in almost every case I have worked with and will address more fully in step four.
Another challenge in step three is many people diminish or invalidate the significance of the trauma they endured. This is commonly the result of the denial or dissociation they used to survive the relationship. I utilize the definition of trauma created by Dr. Diana Fosha, the developer of AEDP Therapy, which is one of my primary therapeutic modalities.
Dr. Fosha defines trauma as, “Unwanted and unwilled overwhelming emotions in the face of aloneness or helplessness.” This is the most comprehensive trauma definition I have found to date. Moreover, it is based in neuroscience. Any experience that meets this definition will trigger a neurological process referred to as structural dissociation or some form of defensive exclusion of experience. The majority of my clients resonate with this definition. The result is they are more validating of the severity of what they suffered. In addition, they begin to understand having to dissociate to survive has limited their self-compassion and awareness.
In my opinion, to fully recover from the trauma a person experienced characteristically requires professional support. If you cannot access it at this time, keep working towards it. Again, start with free support groups, books, articles, videos, podcasts, etc. Trauma is stored in the body and requires a professional with sufficient knowledge and experience in how to help you fully clear it from your biology. Talk therapy can offer support, but it cannot fully resolve your trauma. And make no mistake, being in a toxic and abusive relationship is traumatic on many levels.
As a result of neuroscience, we are now able to understand and utilize the brain and body’s internal healing resources to a greater degree than at any point in human history. The example I used earlier of the 9/11 contractor was done in a single session. He had been in numerous types of therapy and support groups for over a decade without resolution and was able to achieve this in a single EMDR session. With the advent of neuroscience-based experiential psychotherapist over the last few decades, individuals can heal and recover more rapidly than ever before.
If you are beginning step three work, make sure you obtain a professional that practices experiential therapies. There are currently numerous experiential therapies that are effective in fully processing trauma. There are five experiential therapies I employ most in my work with clients. The first two of these are the modalities I utilize most: Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy, Internal Family Systems, EMDR, Brainspotting, and Somatic Experiencing.
If you are attempting to heal from a toxic relationship, believe you are ‘wired to heal.’ You don’t need to continue to be affected by the trauma these types of relationships generate. Furthermore, it can occur more rapidly than ever before. As a trauma specialist, I inform my clients this should be a positive experience. We break things into small manageable pieces; slower is faster. We want to process things in a calm, regulated manner. Moreover, everyone has a unique process when it comes to healing. There are numerous variables that influence this. You need an individualized approach. Let your journey be your journey.
4. The fourth step in healing from a toxic relationship is to identify and resolve any underlying issues that created vulnerabilities the toxic partner exploited. Therapeutic work in step three often reveals some of the emotional wounds the abusive partner was able to exploit to cause confusion, self-doubt, fear, and a sense of unworthiness that kept the abused partner stuck in the relationship. In my experience, if this is explored too early the person will do so from a place of shame and self-criticism. I save this objective towards the latter part of the recovery process. When an adequate level of healing has occurred, the abused partner can access a sufficient degree of self-compassion to investigate their vulnerabilities from a place of non-judgment.
I firmly assert to my client getting stuck in a toxic relationship has nothing to do with their intelligence, character, or who they are as a person. These susceptibilities will take anyone out and are neurological in origin. And despite their assertions they will never allow this to transpire again, it is always possible if these liabilities remain present. As we work to identify and resolve these together, my client will begin to feel a sense of empowerment and self-forgiveness as a result of making the unknown known and healing their historical, emotional wounds.
Once these emotional and relationship wounds have been healed, you become immune to the negative behaviors and strategies employed by the toxic, narcissistic partner; they no longer hold any power over you. You are more capable of seeing reality as it is, setting effective boundaries, and viewing yourself as worthy, capable, and competent. You move forward with a renewed sense of self-confidence, hope, and optimism regarding your future, which leads to the final step in healing from a toxic relationship.
5. The concluding step in healing from a toxic relationship is known as integration. Now that you have processed the trauma associated with the various forms of abuse endured within the relationship, developed or reestablished a social support system, identified and resolved the underlying emotional vulnerabilities, the result is what is referred to as post traumatic growth. An increased level of self-confidence, resiliency, wisdom, and internal capacities is achieved leading to a desire to achieve one’s full potential.
With the impediments of the abusive partner, shame, trauma, lack of resources, and being frozen in a state of helplessness removed, you are now able to pursue meaningful interests, healthier relationships, and a greater sense of purpose. These activities and goals still bring the natural challenges experienced by everyone, such as a normal level of anxiety about steps towards a new career path, the work of developing secure, emotionally intimate relationships with others, potentially starting a business or returning to pursue a degree.
Even though you have developed an increased level of confidence, clarity and capacity, the new brings with it a blend of excitement and anxiety. The key to this phase is emotional support and guidance. This may come in the form of a mentor, therapist, coach, or a supportive family or friend. New possibilities emerge as a natural outcome of healing and transformation. Transcending suffering can bring a deeper sense of meaning, gratitude, and a healthy sense of pride and mastery. Often, a desire to help others going through similar circumstances produces an additional level of purpose from what one has endured.
Following financial abuse, what actionable strategies can individuals employ to rebuild their lives and achieve financial independence? What resources are instrumental in this process?
When attempting to take a greater level of control over one’s financial life, there are two primary aspects: one’s emotional relationship with money; and increasing one’s financial literacy. An initial resource I often refer clients to is, The Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel. This is great initial resource regarding one’s emotional and psychological relationship with money. There are many great similar works one can locate by doing a web search or on Amazon.
As a practicing psychotherapist, I can tell you typically many of the issues that are associated with money are not really about money. Finances can bring up issues related to self-worth, freedom, security, power, control, or engaging in financially compulsive behaviors to avoid certain emotional states. Frequently, deeper emotional work may be needed to address these issues, as well as unconscious, dysfunctional beliefs related to money.
In regard to increasing one’s financial literacy, there is an abundance of resources to be found in books, on YouTube, and podcasts, etc. There has never been more access to instructive, free financial information. In addition, one could find a financial mentor or a professional financial advisor to provide assistance with the goal of working towards financial independence. Although, one can work on both of these objectives simultaneously, it is imperative one’s emotional relationship with money be fully addressed or the strategies developed with the increase in financial literacy will not be able to be effectively executed.
For those impacted by multiple forms of abuse, what comprehensive strategies and support systems are most effective in facilitating their healing journey?
When attempting to heal and recover from multiple forms of abuse, it is imperative to seek professional help. Trauma is stored in the body; the abuse has a neurological and biological impact that needs to be addressed for one to fully heal. Otherwise, the abused partner will continue to suffer for years, and decades in some cases, until the trauma is fully resolved. If an individual has limited resources, begin where you can. With a web search, you can often locate free, support groups to begin obtaining social support and some level of emotional processing.
Undoing aloneness is a key component in healing from emotional trauma. If resources are limited, again, there are numerous podcasts, YouTube channels, books, or TedTalks dedicated to this issue. Just reading or listening to another’s story can begin to undo aloneness, the sense of isolation, or feeling crazy, which typically results from being shamed, invalidated, or gaslit for extended periods of time. Remember, healing is non-linear and an individualized process; your journey and time frame for healing is unique to you. Don’t allow an inner critic, or outside voices, to allow you to believe you should be farther along in the process or what you experienced was not that significant. It was impactful enough to create the symptoms you are struggling to heal from.
With advances in neuroscience, we now know that trauma is not so much about the external event but is, rather, intra-psychic; trauma occurs in the brain. When we cannot regulate the emotional energy the external event triggers, we split neurologically to protect the rest of the brain. This is how trauma is formed and how it goes on to affect us for long periods of time. The moment we freeze and split, that part of us stays frozen in the moment in what we call ‘trauma time.’ Fortunately, we are ‘wired to heal’ and self-correct. Again, we now know ways to facilitate this innate healing capacity more rapidly and effectively than at any time in human history.
What strategies can survivors use to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence?
The primary aspect of increasing self-worth is overcoming shame. Much of the work in steps 3 and 4 will accomplish this goal. The other major factor is building relationships with emotionally safe individuals who can accept and encourage expression your authentic self. Those individuals who can still see and validate our worthiness even in our imperfections and mistakes. If you presently lack these types of relationships, find a good therapist, a support group, a spiritual community, etc.
In regard to confidence, true self-confidence comes from putting in the work; it is earned. An important core emotional experience is what is referred to as a healthy sense of pride and mastery. Overcoming challenges and having the courage to face fear leads to an inner pride from knowing and validating how hard or scary something was, yet you were able to overcome it. Additionally, having those who believe in you and encourage you when you cannot do so for yourself is essential.
How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?
In my opinion, the most impactful thing friends and family can do is to ‘hold space.’ This means just being emotionally present without the need to fix anything or attempt to take the feelings away. When someone is stuck in a toxic relationship, not only is it emotionally traumatic, but there is an overwhelming sense of isolation they experience. Having the willingness and courage just to be with someone in their pain and distress without the need to give advice, or attempt to make them feel better, is the most healing act you can offer. These things are not bad in and of themselves but need to come after you have achieved the undoing of aloneness.
Another crucial aspect is to provide support in setting and maintaining boundaries with the former toxic partner. The toxic partner will often attempt to communicate with the abused partner and either threaten, coerce, or manipulate them into resuming contact. Support of the abused partner is crucial in the earlier stages of recovery as individuals can still be in a freeze or submissive state. Moreover, the underlying emotional vulnerabilities have not yet been identified and resolved leaving the person exposed to being taken advantage of. The toxic partner needs to know the abused partner has the support of family and friends. In some instances, this may include law enforcement and attorneys.
What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?
In my experience, therapy plays one of the most crucial roles in recovering from this type of abuse. Although, social support is essential, only neuroscience-based psychotherapy, and similar body-oriented therapies, can create the neuroplastic (the brain and nervous system’s ability to change and rewire itself) changes necessary to fully heal on a biological level from the trauma of the abuse.
Whenever we experience overwhelming emotions in the face of aloneness or helplessness the brain will neurologically split, or dissociate, from what we cannot manage or regulate. This energy is then stored in the body on a cellular level in what is referred to as implicit memory. This type of memory is experienced as a felt sense in the body. It has no imagery, conscious thought, linear time, and cannot distinguish people, place, or setting. Any association from the original overwhelming event, whether conscious or unconscious, will activate the body memory causing it to feel like it is happening in the present moment, even if the original incident occurred decades prior.
These implicit memories will continue to activate in future relationships and situations causing the individual to be negatively impacted for months and years to come long after the initial abuse. With the advent of neuroscience-based, experiential psychotherapies, these implicit memories can be cleared from a person’s nervous system allowing them to fully heal and transcend the abuse leading to the post traumatic growth mentioned prior.
My recommendation for finding the right therapist begins with asking them about their experience working with this type of abuse. They should be able to articulate their approach and proficiency helping clients heal and recover from the forms of abuse experienced in toxic relationships. They should also be able to explain trauma in detail, how it develops and is stored in the body and nervous system, and how it is repaired and resolved through neuroplasticity.
The most crucial aspect of obtaining the right therapist is how emotionally safe you feel with them. The sense of safety is developed through the therapist’s presence, emotional attunement, the felt sense of feeling understood, and their willingness to answer any and all questions in a compassionate and non-defensive manner. It is this combination of knowledge, experience, and empathic attunement that will create the necessary secure base from which to access your innate healing capacities.
The common barriers to entering therapy are time, money, schedule, and fear of facing the trauma. In regard to time and schedule, it has never been easier to overcome these impediments. With the growth of online therapy, it is possible to find a therapist to accommodate almost any schedule. A skilled, trauma therapist will have a somewhat higher fee than most general psychotherapists, although this will still be in reach for most individuals.
If this is still outside your current finances, I would suggest beginning with a local or online therapist within your present budget and then working towards a financial plan that would allow you to transition to a trauma therapist to complete the remainder of the work. In addition, start with educating yourself with books, videos, and podcasts devoted to this topic. Many of these resources will also guide you into exercises and interventions you can begin utilizing and practicing on your own as well.
Could you name a few organizations or professionals that provide crucial support for individuals seeking to restart their lives after experiencing abuse, particularly when they have dependents relying on them?
Here is a list of some non-profit and professional organizations dedicated to helping individuals heal from a toxic or abusive relationship:
- The Mend Project — www.themendproject.com
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline — 1–800–799–7233
- Love is Respect — loveisrespect.org
- One Love — joinonelove.org
- The National Dating Abuse Helpline — 1–866–331–9474
- Break the Cycle — www.breakthecycle.org
- Crisis Text Line — crisistextline.org
This is not an exhaustive list but should be sufficient to begin to access some beneficial resources.
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger.
One of my longer-term goals is to create an agency to educating individuals about the complexity and magnitude globally of all forms of trauma. Furthermore, to create an online platform that would make real trauma therapy accessible to anyone. I would see recorded courses that are offered free of cost, as well as a tiered system based on individual’s financial resources that would allow them to engage in live, virtual sessions with a coach or therapist. Lastly, to create on-site programs for brief intensives and longer-term treatment of complex trauma.
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
You can follow me at www.hawkinscounselingcenter.com and on YouTube, Instagram, and Facebook at Hawkins counseling Center on any of those platforms.
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com.
