Rebuild your self worth, self esteem, self love and confidence. Take the time for self-care, practice self kindness & patience, and keep a journal. It takes time to reach a place where you can truly begin to see through the dark, the stress and confusion.
Psychological abuse can leave deep and lasting scars, affecting all aspects of a person’s life. Healing from such toxic relationships requires resilience, support, and effective strategies. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Carolina Stukenberg.
Carolina Stukenberg is a dynamic and influential Women’s Creatrix© Transformologist© dedicated to empowering women to break free from detrimental cycles, conquer anxiety, silence negative self-talk, self-doubt, and eradicate deep-seated insecurities, using her distinctive and proven methods of mindset shifting and heart healing to inspire genuine authenticity, unshakable confidence, and radical self-love, ultimately leading to a life of happiness, freedom and enabling women to break all their glass ceilings. There is no limit to women’s empowerment.
Through her unwavering commitment to raising women’s emotional intelligence, rewiring stress responses, and fostering healthy boundaries, Carolina equips women with the inner wisdom, trust & confidence they need to build a future rich in self-worth, boundless trust, unlimited empowerment, and the power to overcome any obstacle, championing lasting and profound transformation that goes beyond superficial change.
As a beacon of hope for countless women seeking to rediscover and unleash their full potential, Carolina paves the way for enduring personal growth, authentic living, resilience, and raised emotional intelligence, making a significant impact on the lives of the women she guides. Women Ready to Book an initial consultation here. https://carolinad.kartra.com/page/SER-WEB-LP)
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?
Iwas born to Argentine parents and raised in South Africa and my upbringing was a vibrant blend of cultures and languages.
My life took many turns, some good and some incredibly challenging and having a huge impact on my life, emotional wellbeing and health. But it turned out that even the hardest times and challenges, would turn out to be the very reasons I got my greatest life lessons and which inspired me to get into the industry of women’s health & wellbeing, through gut health & mental and emotional health, guiding other women to have life changing personal development, soul healing and empowerment, to be their whole and authentic selves.
Growing up in South Africa, the statistics of experiencing violence and crime is very high, especially for women. Having had my own traumatic experiences while living there, I was driven to leave and seek healing. I did leave, I left that life, and went sailing around the world, lived in Brazil, Argentina, Mexico, the Caribbean islands and searched far and wide for myself, inner peace and real healing.
In South Africa, I met my partner, who became my husband and then ex-husband. Initially he was so open and loving, but as time went on, things changed. I too experienced years of psychological abuse, so I know what a complex effect it had on me and how hard it was to survive. Unfortunately this was not the only incident in my life, but it was the worst and longest.
So through my own experience of trying to overcome the effects, survive life & even consider thriving, I reached a point that I couldn’t live with the anxiety anymore, the panic, the worry, the lack of trust in myself, my life and the world. I couldn’t get through a day’s work without feeling completely wrong, not myself, anxious, stressed, panicked etc.I knew I had to find a way to heal and let go, but nothing helped. And I tried a lot of things, psychologists, counselors, apps, meditation, plant medicines, everything I could, but nothing really worked, eventually I would be having anxiety and panic again. Then one day, I found Creatrix© and a woman assured me that if I was willing and ready to change I could and I would NOT need to rehash talking about every traumatic event in my life. I was at my wits end, I needed something to work. She and I walked a rather quick journey that did change my life, my business, my ability to thrive and now inspire other women.
At my worst, I went from 3 years of constant anxiety, panic attacks, chronic stress, unable to sleep through a night and I had nothing left of myself. After my sessions, I was laughing, the anxiety and panic stopped. I slept better than ever, and I could finally see my life ahead of me. I even dated, and felt I could see people differently, set healthy boundaries, I felt more like myself than any other time in my life, and am still enjoying learning who I am today. From that moment, I knew I had found the missing key in my work with women and their health but also in my own healing and health.
I went on to become a Creatrix© Transformologist© to help other women, inspired passionately by my own transformation, after trying to survive and thrive after the psychological abuse. It was a real internal transformation and it’s lasted ever since. Today I help women find themselves again, break cyclical patterns, heal, let go, forgive, reduce the anxiety, find their inner voice, in a way that is specifically made for women.
Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?
Absolutely! Working with a client, who had also survived narcissism, gaslighting and psychological abuse for years, finally ended her relationship. Because I work with clients with issues I have overcome myself, I could completely relate to her story.
Her health had taken a dive for the worst. The stress in her body was causing her hormone issues, gut health problems, weight gain, foggy brain, randomly getting sick and lacking energy. She signed up for the full experience, knowing that she wasn’t the only woman to find success with Creatrix©. Now what made this story so interesting was that she was seeing doctors because of her chronic stress, who went on to test her blood. They had tried for over a year to help her reduce the stress, and she went on to change her diet, removing the stressors and abuse from her life. It was literally costing her life, and surviving was hard, both mentally and physically. Talk therapy wasn’t working and only re-traumatized her. So just like me, she realized as women, talking about our traumas only makes us relive the pain, and creates the same stress again. She searched for another way.
Prior to her starting the sessions, she had her blood test and image results. Doctors told her she had chronic stress, still after all the efforts alongside the doctors.
After her Self-Worthiness reset, Emotional Regulation Reset and Stress Response Reset, which took a few months, and she did nothing else, except this, she got retested and all the stress (cortisol) in the blood had disappeared. Her chronic stress healed. Finally she was getting results and continues to live in a healthy state now, recovered from the trauma, maintaining healthy boundaries easily, looking after herself and her life has improved so much. No more accepting abuse in her life. In her words, “it’s like now I can see all the red flags and get it, so I make completely different decisions and it’s easy. I wish I had known about this before, all the years I could have stopped the cycle.”
As you’ve probably heard in recent research about the microbiome and our mental and emotional health, we know medical science is coming to the party that they are interconnected and we cannot negate the impact the mind, stress and trauma has on our health and vice versa. And healing is more complex than just medication.
This client’s case was physical proof, that her body was suffering chronic stress from psychological abuse and nothing helped except the profound healing in her mind, emotions and heart. Proving that physical ailments are produced by mental and emotional struggle. We need to take care of our hearts, minds and emotions. Laughter is really healing, being authentically connected with yourself, trusting yourself, and letting go of patterns that don’t serve you, will massively impact your gut, your weight, your ability to literally think straight.
And this case was the perfect evidence of what I had always known and believed, but seeing the blood test results come back, was so interesting to me.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
As a woman, I believe that we perceive the world differently to our fellow men, and so we bring unique traits and skills and we should honor our own path to leadership. Along my journey, I tried to imitate male leaders as that was all I had to draw from as role models. Today, and through trial and error, I found certain traits definitely were key to my own success in my own way.
- Raising our emotional Intelligence, makes us women more resilient. As women we are much more emotional and have our ebbs and flow with our hormonal cycles. Working with who and how we are, I realized in work environments to be able to give my best performance I need to understand my own cycles and work on my emotional intelligence not to take things personally and be able to lead with confidence instead.
- Authentic Confidence, truly valuing oneself and being oneself, which naturally means caring for others. I have worked with people all my life. When I regained my self-worth, my self-esteem, my self back and even improved, I noted at work that my authenticity, and confidence in myself, showed up with people responding to me so much better, and I was able to connect with people better and better serve them, because it all came from a truly caring place.
- Humility and the willingness to continue to learn and grow. When we adopt this trait, we not only stop judging others, but we also stop judging ourselves and see that everyone is on their journey and have different perceptions and that’s ok. When we continue to stay open to learning and growing, we continue to generate curiosity in our lives and an openness to really listen and learn from others and situations.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
I’m working on the new upgraded sessions that I will be delivering to my clients. The new system will lead to more profound results, include more coaching and support, and covers the biggest topics we’ve seen that holds women back. This will be coming out soon and all my clients from the launch will receive the new updated version, more powerful and impactful yet. I’m very excited, because I can see how powerful and profound this new upgraded version will be!
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. Let’s start with a simple definition so that we are all on the same page. How would you define a Toxic Relationship?
Well firstly, not all toxic relationships are abusive, but all abusive relationships are toxic. When a couple are together but are not in an abusive relationship, it’s normal to have disagreements and it’s healthy even, but it becomes toxic when one or both partners consistently undermine the other, their sense of wellbeing, happiness and even their safety and this continual pattern of emotional harm, disrespect and manipulation leads to the deterioration of one of the partner’s mental health, emotional health and dire loss of self worth, self confidence, and the ability to trust oneself and others.
Some characteristics of a toxic relationship are:
- Lack of support. Instead of feeling encouraged and uplifted, engaging with your partner leaves you feeling belittled, inadequate, not understood, seen or heard.
- A relationship starts on a good note, but toxic relationships are persistently unhappy. The relationship is in constant tension, arguments, feelings of dissatisfaction, making it impossible to be at ease with the other person.
- Communication breaks down, often things like verbal insults, accusations, sometimes complete passive aggressiveness and silence, forcing issues to continue unresolved, feelings unheard and the stress continues.
- A partner in a toxic relationship may control or dominate the other partner, affecting their social life, how they think and feel.
- Very common in toxic relationships is neglect and manipulation. The emotional needs are consistently disregarded. Manipulation can be subtle or not, but oftentimes, keeps the other partner in a state of guilt and compliance.
What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in various types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?
The following common signs can show up in different ways in relationships, family and professional life.
- Invalidating your view or experience of a situation to the point you question yourself, and the other person doesn’t respect you, your emotions and perspective. So if a situation arises that creates conflict the abuser will convince you that your version never happened. Denying your recollection of events. This is a big red flag.
- Manipulation, like avoiding dealing with issues, diverting and blocking healthy conversation with mutual respect to resolve issues. Things that might be said, is, you are too sensitive, that’s not how it happened, you’re delusional, I never said that — even though you clearly recollect the events etc.
- Frequent lies and exaggerations on the part of the abuser, who likely themselves believe their own lies so much so, which leads to the person being abused questioning their reality and feeling deeply confused.
- Shift blaming, instead of owning their role in a disagreement or situation. Oftentimes the abuser will play the victim or aggressively shift the blame on someone else. This again, makes the person being abused unsure of their perception of reality.
- Trivializing what matters to you or situations that come up that need to be dealt with. This avoidant tactic, leads to suppression and many issues being not being dealt with, only causing compounding stress, problems down the line, be in work, family or relationships.
- Words and actions don’t match. The abuser will pretend to have forgotten what actually occurred or blatantly denies that it happened, easily breaking promises and not standing by their apologies and continuing to do exactly the same things again.
- Many psychological abusers lack empathy. This is damaging because the person receiving the abuse feels unheard, unseen, not understood, that they don’t matter and causes trauma responses like shutting down, not being able to voice oneself, lack of self- esteem, over people-pleasing, apologizing all the time and other suppressed behaviors.
- Withholding can come in different forms. In relationships and family it could be withholding finances, information, opportunities, social gatherings and more. In professional circumstances this can be used as a tactic to manipulate others by withholding information to control their story and power over others.
- Violating your boundaries continually. For example, ignoring your statements, like “stop that”, or “no”, doing the opposite of what you asked, and mocking your requests are clear signs that your boundaries are being violated.
One can manage and avoid psychological abuse if they have a good sense of themselves, confidence, self-worth, resilience, but also know how to recognize behaviors that are toxic.
By recognizing behaviors like I described above, one is better equipped to avoid psychological abuse and better able to address the behaviors with different tactics.
Knowing your own clear and healthy boundaries is key to maintaining healthy relationships, because it’s essential for safe human connection. Boundaries protect you, sets the rules of engagement and allows you to uphold your own self-respect and individuality,
If you recognize any of these common signs, and think you could be experiencing psychological abuse, it’s best to not engage with the person, or set very firm boundaries and be very clear about them. If the abuse is affecting your wellbeing and health and it’s reached a point that is unmanageable, it is time to consider leaving the situation completely. Your health and wellbeing is more important.
How can someone begin the healing process after leaving a toxic relationship? Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship”?
It is so important when beginning the healing process, to admit and be open about what you’ve been through. Many suffer very real traumatic responses, severe stress, anxiety, emotional swings, and more. If no-one around knows what you are going through, they might not understand your process. Also you could connect with other survivors or people healing and find support in their experiences. Whatever you do, don’t self-isolate and keep it all suppressed. Healing starts with accepting and admitting what you’ve been through and acknowledging your emotions and needs as you go.
1 . Rebuild your self worth, self esteem, self love and confidence. Take the time for self-care, practice self kindness & patience, and keep a journal. It takes time to reach a place where you can truly begin to see through the dark, the stress and confusion.
2 . Realize the cyclical patterns that keep pulling you in, as those who experience one abusive relationship tend to find the same traits attractive and comfortable, so it’s time to recognize those patterns in yourself so you can make different decisions. But don’t blame yourself either. By taking responsibility even when the other person is clearly wrong, means you begin to take your power back and truly start the healing process.
3 . Learn to set healthy boundaries and stand by them no matter what. It’s better to lose the toxic person early in the game, than to try to convince them to change. Your own self-worth and confidence is worth more than bending over for others. If you are a people-pleaser you might find you often get caught up in situations and let your boundaries go. It’s time to seek help and work on yourself, so that you avoid this from happening again in the future and re-establish your boundaries in a healthy way.
4 . Maintain or establish healthy friendships and connections that you trust and who support you in a positive way. Being alone or isolated is a common sign of someone who has been abused. So by holding your friends close who truly love you and support you, not allowing your partner or family member from isolating you. Your friends and trusted family will always have your back. Speak and share with them for support and also to avoid future toxic relationships. We all need support and connection.
5 . Focus on the present, and try not to think about the past or the future, as this can further stress you out. Instead, seek to enjoy the rediscovery of yourself and talk to a professional that understands the toxicity or abuse you have endured. Seek help to heal and truly move on, which is what I offer specifically for women. Believe and know things will get better and you will get better.
Following financial abuse, what actionable strategies can individuals employ to rebuild their lives and achieve financial independence? What resources are instrumental in this process?
If you have experienced financial abuse, oftentimes the abuser will take control of finances limiting the person being abused from leaving. So in order to rebuild it is imperative to open a new bank account that the abuser has no access too. Taking back or owning your financial control is a very important step. Do it in secret if need be, change all your passwords and some banks understand that this is a reality so speak to them to further protect your account and what advice they could give you.
Become financially educated, learn how to manage your own finances and build that financial confidence. Learning how to manage your own finances which will empower you with the knowledge you need to rebuild your life after escaping an abuser.
If you experience financial abuse where you were not allowed to be employed so to be controlled financially. Finding a safe job, and just starting is a great step forward. And start saving for yourself. This will help you feel more stable and allow you to invest in yourself and your healing and any rainy days that come ahead. I know when I had to start from zero I didn’t have a lot, so building from zero, I would suggest the 80/20 rule, save 20% and use the 80% for your daily and monthly needs. Take the pressure off yourself and simplify your life so it’s manageable.
If you have been left with debt, look for ways to consolidate your debt, and cut interest costs. By doing a “Balance Transfer”. A balance transfer is a transaction that moves existing debt to a different credit card with a lower rate APR or 0% APR for a period of 12 to 21 months, you can save money on interest while you work to pay off the debt. Ultimately you want to pay off the debt you transferred completely during that lower or 0% APR rate time frame.
Rebuild your credit score. If you are especially starting from the ground up, then the cheapest way to build your credit score is to get a credit card, spend on the credit card within your means and set automatic full-balance payments at the end of each billing cycle. This will improve your credit score over time and allow you more access to loans and other options to build your credit score.
Seek out financial advice and get educated so you can manage your finances better. Ask around and look up different ways to educate yourself financially and track your statements, make budgets and regain your financial independence.
For those impacted by multiple forms of abuse, what comprehensive strategies and support systems are most effective in facilitating their healing journey?
The first and most important is to seek out a way to put yourself in an environment where you feel safe, completely safe and are free to be yourself. So you can process what you have been through.
Accept that you might never get closure and that the other person is broken. It’s time for you to focus on yourself and heal and recover.
Surround yourself with support and don’t isolate yourself as I mentioned earlier.
Look for therapy and professional help. It took time to live with the problems, but there are therapists and practitioners out there that don’t just see you as a number and specialize in these types of traumas. This investment in yourself will help you heal faster, and stop the cycle from happening again. Make the decision that you are ready for your own personal change and go get it and do it and ask for help when you need to.
Join support groups, whether on meetup.com, or in your local community or even Facebook groups where you can share and find support. Also look to your family and friends that love you for support. This can be a safe place to talk through things and be understood by others. You are not alone in your experience. It’s important to have support so you stay on track with your own journey and healing.
Learn to forgive and let go as hard as that sounds. Holding onto the trauma, anger, sadness is only making you more sick, stressed and depressed. Find a practice, spiritual belief or if you are religious go to your faith and make it a priority to be putting yourself first and having faith that things will work out and calm your nervous system too. This will help you manage and allow your body to de-stress and release traumas. Things like deep belly breathing, box breathing or alternate nostril breathing are very calming on the nervous system.
Know others have also been through a similar or worse experience than your own and have survived and are thriving. If they can, so can you.
Read up and learn about the type of abuse you have experienced so you can recognize the behaviors but also the way it way affects your behavior. By understanding this better, you begin to see through chaos and are better able to protect yourself moving forward.
What strategies can survivors use to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence?
If you are a women survivor, I would suggest your book a call with a Creatrix© Transformologist© who understands your situation, like myself. You will not need to talk about the trauma, but instead profoundly heal, gain the inner wisdom to stop the cycle and it will rebuild your self-esteem and confidence, so that you can take your life back.
Keep a journal and remember to celebrate all your wins along your journey. Remember to connect with oneself and enjoy the positive steps forward is imperative to giving yourself time, self reflection but also reinforcing enjoying more in life.
Do activities that are social and healthy and make sure to make time to do things you enjoy in your life. This will affirm your own self-worth and confidence.
Surround yourself with a support system and tell them you need their support, to check on you, to be aware and don’t hide in shame.
I think one of the hardest but most profound things one has to do, is to get out of the victim mindset and practice daily positive thinking. This rewires the mind and neural pathways firstly, but also by taking ownership of your situation and not continually staying stuck in a victim mindset will empower you and prove even to yourself that you are resilient and strong. You don’t have to stay broken forever, get up and face the day. Not all days will you be able to give your 100%, but it starts somewhere and with continued practice, it does get easier and better.
How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?
Give them time and listen to them, with no judgment or criticism, believe them. Their story is true and real to them.
Suggest they seek professional help to deal with the underlying issues, and to rebuild their self worth and confidence. It is not the role of the friends and family to help fix their loved one. It’s healthy to separate certain types of support and this avoids you further enabling their victim mindset while letting them know they are important.
Invite them to small gatherings and events, keep including them. Over time, they will improve, they just need consistency and to know they are always welcome to feel safe and have time to heal.
If you are struggling to support someone who is recovering because they live secondary gain for attention, empathy, staying in shock and victimhood. It could mean you might have to face that there isn’t much you can do, except keep reminding them that you are there and set healthy boundaries. Sometimes sadly, we have to watch those we love and are hurt, reach rock bottom, and it’s only then when they are so fed up and fully committed and ready for change that they will be able to raise themselves up. Let them learn on their own terms unless you can see and know you can talk to them about real change.
If you further enable a victim, this honestly doesn’t help and adds to the problem itself. This can be hard to understand and implement. Instead, encourage them and remind them of their past achievements.
Be patient, especially if they asked for help, or if they need a safe place to stay. By being around other healthy relationships, you will help that person to readjust back to a healthy daily life, free of the abuse faster.
What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?
Getting help and therapy is key to truly healing and breaking free from the chains and patterns of abuse. Not getting therapy is a sure way to falling into the same situation again. We have to come to understand that if we are subject to abuse, we must also be allowing it into our lives. The why doesn’t matter, but how can one change and stop it from recurring is.
Finding a good therapy can give you inner wisdom, raised emotional intelligence, heal self-worth and self-esteem, and get you back on track faster than without. So you can break the pattern. But you must be fully committed participant in that therapy and want to work on yourself and change. You must be so fed-up with the way things have been that you decide that the change is worth more than the continued bad state replaying in your life. So ask yourself if you are ready to change, take ownership and be the hero of your own life?
I recommend doing one type of therapy at a time and not jumping from therapy to therapy or applying many different methods one on top of the other. Consistency is key and finding a practitioner that you feel good to work with and trust is paramount. Shop around to find the right therapist for you! Don’t just settle for the first one that comes along and stick it through.
I would suggest therapies that don’t encourage you to retell the stories over and over again, as this often leads to retraumatizing, exhaustion, feeling like they are not seen, heard or loved and further feeds the victimhood. For women especially, talking about traumas is like reliving the scenario. There are modalities out there that you do not have to rehash your whole life, to be able to heal and breakthrough, like Creatrix© and what I do.
If you are struggling to get therapy because of finances, there are inexpensive apps like Betterhelp that offer support and can be a great place to start for some. You can filter through and be matched with an appropriate therapist.
Or search for online helplines, support groups, that are free or inexpensive. Many cities and communities online exist. Explore and find one that feels right to you.
Could you name a few organizations or professionals that provide crucial support for individuals seeking to restart their lives after experiencing abuse, particularly when they have dependents relying on them?
Absolutely, I can recommend my own practice, The REAL UnlimitedYOU. I work specifically with women, and those women who are ready to completely heal from the trauma and transform their life.
If you can’t afford any help when you start rebuilding, then look up things like “Betterhelp” that is affordable for those. Something is better than nothing. There are options and communities often created and inspired by others who have been down a similar path.
If you know you have other clinical mental health issues, I recommend seeking medical advice and addressing those first, until you are stabilized for at least 6 months.
When shopping around for a professional or organizations, really take your time to find one that feels right to you. Unfortunately some practitioners see their clients as income, and do not truly care about your healing.
Again, if you are a woman, in an environment where you feel safe, and can and are willing to finally change and heal, than I can help you, without you needing to rehash your whole life story, the trauma and healing change doesn’t have to take years, it can happen fast, if you are ready and trust the process.
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
I would start a women’s movement and revolution in profound healing, empowering women, educating them that they are not crazy, broken and that they can heal and move on fast and it sticks with Creatrix© and I want to give women hope that this is possible and share that message to the world. The more women that are healed from abuse and suppression, once healed and freed, are able to change the world by becoming a better mother, friend, wife and sister, free to be their whole, beautiful, authentic, confident and self-loving self.
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
Book an initial consultation here with me personally. https://carolinad.kartra.com/page/SER-WEB-LP)
Register for my online webinar here and get your free emotional health quiz and workbook. https://carolinad.kartra.com/page/SER-WEB-LP
https://heal.me/practitioner/carolina-stukenberg
Join my Facebook page here https://www.facebook.com/CarolinaPrimeIN
Follow me on in IG https://www.instagram.com/primein_coaching?igsh=NGVhN2U2NjQ0Yg==
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This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com .
