Identify and build support systems- Community support can help you engage in relational healing. When we experience and see healthy relationships being modeled, it helps us in the healing process. Examples include therapy support, friends, family, and other community supports such as church or support groups.
Psychological abuse can leave deep and lasting scars, affecting all aspects of a person’s life. Healing from such toxic relationships requires resilience, support, and effective strategies. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Tiarra Faulkner.
Tiarra Faulkner is a licensed mental health therapist and relationship trauma expert from Memphis, TN and is able to provide services to those in IL and TN. Tiarra is also a dynamic speaker contributor on topics of mental health and relationships. She desires to increase knowledge and advocacy surrounding mental health.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?
Iwas born and raised in Memphis, TN. I graduated with my bachelor’s from the University of Memphis. Shortly after, I moved to San Diego, CA where I began my career in the field of mental health. Then I moved to Chicago, IL where I graduated with master’s degree in counseling from Northwestern University. I have been practicing as therapist since then. I am deeply grateful to be able to contribute to the field of mental health and facilitate healing for those who are in their darkest times.
Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?
I have so many unique stories from my career as a therapist. I would say my time working in a psychiatric hospital had to be the most unique. It widened my perspective on mental health care, being able to work in crisis, and using crisis interventions allowed me to grow not only professionally but personally as well. Sitting with those who are going through some of the most extreme crises in their life truly deepened my desire to be in this field. One takeaway I learned was that even when it looks really dark and bleak is to keep the light shining.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Thank you. For one, my work ethic- my dad has always been such a hard worker. He always has told me to keep pushing and instilled messages in me to never give up. He poured out so much of his drive to me, that I think I get my work ethic from him.
Second, I would say my ability to be compassionate and empathetic has played a large role in where I am. I believe that when we can serve others and give to others and truly want to see other people succeed, we end up receiving that back in a multitude of different ways.
Lastly, I would say being a student of life. I always say I will always be a student in some form. Accepting that I don’t have all the answers and there is always more to know and to grow in. Being able to be teachable and pivot I think has also played an enormous role in where I am today.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
Right now, I am navigating being a new private practice owner. It has allowed for me to able to provide access to care to individuals. As the practice grows, I am hoping to be able to expand the reach in new and innovative ways. I am also still currently in the process of getting my manuscript published on the effects media and film with themes of racial trauma and its impact on viewers. Understanding the impact of the content we consume I believe can deeply influence our lives and mental well-being.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. Let’s start with a simple definition so that we are all on the same page. How would you define a Toxic Relationship?
A toxic relationship would be defined as a relationship that has layers of either emotional, physical, psychical, financial, and sexual abuse. A toxic or traumatic relationship can have one or all these combined existing within the relationship.
What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in various types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?
There can be multitude of signs of abuse in relationships. For example, in a romantic relationship there may be aspects of betrayal such as infidelity followed by gaslighting and manipulation of one’s partner. This is common with emotional abuse. At work, in professional relationships- an example would be a supervisor exploiting or taking advantage of an employee by threatening they get demoted or leveraging getting a promotion if they do or don’t do an inappropriate favor for them. Abuse can take place in all forms of relationships whether romantic or platonic.
How can someone begin the healing process after leaving a toxic relationship? Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship”?
1 . Identify and build support systems- Community support can help you engage in relational healing. When we experience and see healthy relationships being modeled, it helps us in the healing process. Examples include therapy support, friends, family, and other community supports such as church or support groups.
2 . Understanding that there is a grief process at the ending of a toxic relationship- This can be confusing and complex for many coming out of an abusive relationship. The reality is that toxic relationships are not black and white. Oftentimes people attach to the more compassionate and nurturing side of the relationship (good times, laughs, affection) vs the darker side of the relationship (abuse, manipulation). The nurturing side of the relationship is often what is grieved. Oftentimes the grief process gets avoided because it is painful. However, when we avoid the grief process, we run the risk of repeating the cycle of going back to or getting into another toxic relationship. This is why taking the time to grief is imperative.
3 . Exploring what do you want relationships to look like now- There’s a reason this relationship ended and asking yourself what do you want out of future relationships? What would a healthy relationship look like? Write it out and get a full picture of what that would look like and how that would feel for you. It can help by looking at what your values are. Our values tell us about ourselves, and they work as guide to help us navigate relationships and begin to know ourselves.
4 . Creating and holding to boundaries- Boundaries are imperative in the healing process. Oftentimes boundaries are a foreign concept in a toxic relationship. So, taking the time to identify and create healthy, effective boundaries for self can lead to feelings of empowerment. Examples can be limiting access certain people have to you if they were not healthy for you, boundaries for yourself such as not reaching out to that past relationship for comfort and understanding what you are willing to tolerate and what you are no longer willing to tolerate in relationships.
5 . Learning how to self-soothe. When we are coming out of a toxic relationship, we are dysregulated emotionally and physiologically. Our central nervous systems are heightened. Oftentimes we don’t know what to do with that and we may tend to go back to what is familiar to try to help soothe that feeling. Unfortunately for many that looks like reaching out or going back to that unhealthy relationship. Some self-soothing strategies might look like deep breathing techniques, tapping, and guided meditations.
Following financial abuse, what actionable strategies can individuals employ to rebuild their lives and achieve financial independence? What resources are instrumental in this process?
Financial abuse is extremely difficult to navigate through. Our resources and finances are how we survive. If you are able to set money aside, this can bring a sense of empowerment. Leaning on supports such as having a roommate in someone you know like a relative or friend, if possible, can be a start. I would also recommend seeking counsel from a financial counselor or getting connected to local resources who can help assist with financial and/or rental assistance.
For those impacted by multiple forms of abuse, what comprehensive strategies and support systems are most effective in facilitating their healing journey?
Community support can be vital in the healing process. This is because after a traumatic relationship, we need to be able to witness and experience positive relationships. Relational healing does play a part in the healing journey. Support systems can look like trustworthy friends and family, other community supports like group therapies or a church community, and online support groups. Access to support and spaces where you listen to other people who may have a similar story and experience can help you feel connected. Traumatic and abusive relationships can make you feel extremely disconnected.
What strategies can survivors use to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence?
There are several ways to rebuild your self-esteem and confidence after a relationship has depleted you. Positive affirmations can be very helpful. Replacing negative self-talk with positive self-talk can help shift thoughts about self. Negative relationships tend to impact how we view ourselves. The ability to take the power back and change the narrative about yourself can be beneficial. Engaging in hobbies and activities that you like. How are you filling yourself up? Intentionally doing things that bring you joy. Being intentional about not letting past traumas, pain, the people who have betrayed us write our stories and tell us who we are. Being the author of our own story and changing the narrative can help us feel empowered, reach healing, and ultimately thrive in the next chapters of our lives.
How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?
Be gentle and empathetic. Sometimes people don’t understand how someone can be grieving an abusive relationship and needing time to heal and move on from it. Loved ones might say things like, “They treated you so bad or they did xyz, why are you still upset about this being over?” It can be a complicated and complex grief process that needs to be met with compassion from loved ones. Understanding that it takes time and it is often layered.
What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?
Therapy can serve as an additional support to help one process and learn how to cope from the trauma of psychological abuse in relationships. It can be helpful to have a nonjudgmental, supportive, and empathic figure such as a therapist to help someone work through this type of trauma. Finding the right therapist is really about the finding right fit. When looking for a therapist, finding out if they have experience in and specialize in the area you are needing help in. Many therapists, myself included, offer short consultations for potential clients to ask questions and see if we may be a good fit for their therapeutic needs. The barriers to therapy can be frustrating for clients and providers. These can include cost, insurance issues, and living in an area where the therapists are few. Some tips for overcoming these can include using resources like OpenPath for low-cost therapy and utilizing virtual options if you live in a rural area or have time constraints.
Could you name a few organizations or professionals that provide crucial support for individuals seeking to restart their lives after experiencing abuse, particularly when they have dependents relying on them?
National Domestic Violence Hotline
988 Crisis Line
Also looking into local shelters and resources in your area who may be able to provide assistance.
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
I have a tremendous passion for access to care for those with developmental disabilities such as adults with autism with a language impairment or cognitive delays. I speak often about my brothers who have played a huge part in me becoming a mental health therapist. My little brother has autism with a cognitive delay. There needs to be more resources and acknowledgements of caregivers of this community and more resources for adults with autism who need more care. I am actively exploring how to begin my own work in building in this area.
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
Feel free to follow me on my therapist IG @therapywithtia and check out my website www.plantandbloomcounseling.com
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com .
