…We all need to know that we have a support system. We need to know that we have someone or some people in our corner. After leaving a toxic relationship, our mind can resemble something like pudding. We’re really thrown for a loop when we have endured toxicity for a long amount of time. We need to get our head above water and get it straight again. A therapist is one of the most solid people that can help in that process. We’ve got no real stake in the game, meaning we are an objective third-party. Of course, we form attachments and we love and care about our clients, but it’s different than our clients’ personal relationships: familial and friends. We are the ones that will also say the hard stuff that the client needs to hear in order to help them really recover…
Psychological abuse can leave deep and lasting scars, affecting all aspects of a person’s life. Healing from such toxic relationships requires resilience, support, and effective strategies. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Lauren Burt, MA, LMFT.
Lauren has always lived and breathed with curiosity about the human psyche, how everyone interacts with one another and the feelings that people have from these interactions, whether they are shown or hidden. Having lived a colorful life herself, she chose the career of psychotherapy to better understand humans and the relationships they choose to feed and the “why” behind all of it. Lauren opened a depth-oriented private practice where she encourages creativity in healing and is continually fascinated with what draws one human to another; this is the essence of relationships after all.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?
Absolutely! Which part? I believe it is possible to live many lives in one life so I will try to not turn this one question in to a book. For the sake of this article, I will focus mainly on what led me to becoming a psychotherapist.
My life has not been very linear, to say the least. I was never the type of kid who decided to try one thing and solely stick to that. I have strong peripheral vision and love tangents. I have always been interested in healing; that has stayed true for my entire life. I remember being a young girl and learning about self-healing books and couldn’t get enough. Like most kids from my generation, we weren’t asked anything about ourselves, how we were ever feeling or what we were ever thinking. So, I turned to avenues that helped me to express and explore, some healthy and some not.
Art was and still is one of my main methods of healing. So I decided to major in it in college and minor in Psychology, simply because I loved studying people and learning about why we do the things we do. I had no intention of using these majors or degrees for anything. I was truly living in the moment and following my young heart at that time. Little did I know that the powers that be were creating a grand plan for me!
I also attended a holistic vegetarian culinary school soon after that and spent the better part of the next fifteen years helping people heal their bodies from the inside out with their food. That was satisfying but I wanted more and something different after many years.
In my late 30’s, I used those courses from college as prerequisites to apply to and then get into graduate school to become a Marriage and Family Therapist and an Art Therapist! So here I am. A very fulfilled and happy person using my skills and passions to help others heal, from the psyche out.
Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?
I don’t want to name a specific story because that would require too many identifying details and the most important part of my job is to make sure my clients feel safe. Confidentiality is crucial in order for clients to feel safe and for us to do any meaningful deep work.
However, I will say that there have been a few experiences that created a huge lesson in my work. That lesson is transparency. As a therapist, keeping boundaries is really important. I don’t disclose much of myself or my life to my clients, unless I believe it would be clinically useful in their healing process. I have had a couple of experiences with a couple of different clients where I needed to disclose some information. And it was a struggle. I am naturally a very boundaried person and I compartmentalize quite well. It’s one of my own personal defenses and strategies that I learned a long time ago that has gotten me through life in a way that I feel very safe. So quite naturally, as a therapist, I utilize that in my work… and it’s very useful. And luckily I live in a big city, Los Angeles, where I don’t bump into my clients in the real world, and everybody doesn’t know everybody. But occasionally, that does happen. I have had some instances where a client will talk about someone and I figure out that I know that person. I have learned, through error, that it is best to let them know that I know that person. It does something to our relationship whether I tell them or whether I don’t. They might find out on their own that I knew that person, and that has happened, and has caused rupture. As a therapist, I’m also a human being, and I don’t always know the best thing to do in those situations. But I have always put in massive thought and consultation when something like this has arisen. I’m always thinking about what is best for the client, even if those things do make me uncomfortable. It is what I signed up for when I chose this profession and committed to it.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Thank you!
Three traits that were and are most instrumental to my success: resiliency, passion, and faith
Resiliency story: Starting out as a therapist is not easy. I will never forget my very first client. She did not know she was my first client but I was trembling inside! Imposter syndrome is a very real thing that all therapists experience. The idea of being a therapist is very different than actually being one. I got through the 50 minute session and thought “okay that was alright Lauren.. you did it and you will see how the next session with her feels”. Except there was no next session. She emailed to tell me she wouldn’t be returning and she had found another therapist she preferred. I was devastated! Luckily I had a wonderful mentor who normalized this for me and helped my esteem not squash all the way to the floor. I picked myself up and started with my second client ever and third and so on and so forth. That takes resiliency.
Passion story: That’s simple. You have to be passionate about this work to be good at it. You absolutely have to. It can be very draining at times and without the love for this type of work, it would be easy to leave the field after not too long. I have always been quite passionate about healing so this field fits right in my own personal psyche. I honestly cannot imagine doing anything else as a career!
Faith: This has been a really important trait to maintain especially when deciding to open my own private practice. Being a private practice therapist is wonderful because it grants me the freedom to be the authentic therapist that I want to be. I get to be creative in my role and work in ways that are best suited for my clients in the framework that our practice lives in. The challenging part is knowing that “if I build it, they will come”. There are times that I have had the fear and the lack mindset. All private practice therapists go through this fear at various times in the build of their practice. It always passes and I truly do belief that if I am doing what I love and it feels aligned in my heart, mind and soul, then success does follow. It has so far!
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
At this moment, my partner and I are signing a lease for our new beautiful office suite where we will be able to hold groups. My partner and I started our practice during the height of Covid so we started with all virtual sessions. Earlier this year I rented an office part time at a collective of therapists as people were wanting to come in person again after the pandemic. My partner and I are very ready to open a full time office suite with multiple offices to accommodate more clients in person and to have a space to hold groups for clients. That is a component of therapy that we are very excited to start implementing at The Holding Space. Groups offer a very specific type of healing that you can’t get from individual therapy. Wounding happens relationally so what better way to heal those wounds than through other relationships? That magic happens in group therapy.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. Let’s start with a simple definition so that we are all on the same page. How would you define a Toxic Relationship?
Oof. Yes this is why we are here. The work “toxic” gets thrown around so much these days. Almost as much as the word “narcissist” or the word “triggered”. We want to be careful with these words as words have power. Toxic does not mean the same thing as unhealthy. Toxic means poisonous. There is no black or white way to detect toxicity in the relationship and to a point, it can be subjective. Overall, it is when the pattern in between two people feels more negative and triggering than not. It is when someone feels manipulated, triggered in their most wounded places continually, and controlled. Many people in toxic relationships are scared of their partner. They might feel like they are walking on eggshells and try every which way to not upset or anger their counterpart. Abuse is usually a part of toxic relationships, be it physical, psychological, emotional, financial, spiritual or mental.
What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in various types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?
When I talk to my clients about this, I train them to be able to listen to their bodies. Our bodies tell us everything that we need to know. If there is anxiety present when your partner comes home or when you are about to engage with your partner, there is a reason for that anxiety. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. If you are feeling crazy, or scared, or confused continuously by your partner, there is a very high chance there could be a form of abuse and/or toxicity happening. Love doesn’t feel scary or confusing or crazy. It feels safe.
How can someone begin the healing process after leaving a toxic relationship? Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship”?
1 . Individual weekly therapy, preferably depth therapy and trauma therapy.
We all need to know that we have a support system. We need to know that we have someone or some people in our corner. After leaving a toxic relationship, our mind can resemble something like pudding. We’re really thrown for a loop when we have endured toxicity for a long amount of time. We need to get our head above water and get it straight again. A therapist is one of the most solid people that can help in that process. We’ve got no real stake in the game, meaning we are an objective third-party. Of course, we form attachments and we love and care about our clients, but it’s different than our clients’ personal relationships: familial and friends. We are the ones that will also say the hard stuff that the client needs to hear in order to help them really recover.
2 . Self love and self care, loads and loads of it.
And I can’t stress this enough! You hear the term “self-care” thrown around every which way. To the point that when I bring it up in session to my clients, they kind of smirk or laugh a little. They’ll respond with something like “oh should I go get a massage?” And I don’t smile or smirk back. The answer is YES! And that’s not the end of self-care. Pedicures and massages are wonderful, but it goes way beyond that. I’m talking about listening to your body and what it needs. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Go get it for yourself. Yes, take a bath with the bubbles and the dim lighting and candles. Treat yourself like a queen or a king. All of this comes down to the main thing here. SELF-WORTH. You are worth spending the money on. You are worth spending the time on. You are worth spending the love on. This is so important in the healing process after a toxic relationship.
3 . Strengthening your support system.
Similar to what I said regarding having a therapist in your corner, people leaving a toxic relationship really need to have a whole support system in their corner. We can’t do this alone. We need people that will take care of us in so many ways, when we are fresh out of a toxic relationship. They might need to come over and make sure that we are eating, to make sure that we are feeling safe enough to go to sleep alone. We need to make sure that you have people that you can call so you don’t call that ex. We need people that surround you with love and show that you can get through this. Especially when you have those days where you’re highly doubting yourself. This is imperative.
4 . Catharsis of pent up anger and rage.
We live in a very civilized society, and we need to for people to feel safe. I get that. But underneath all of our beautiful prefrontal cortex and high intellect, we are also animals that are quite primitive. In that libidinal place exists anger and rage. They aren’t bad things inherently. They just need a place to go that is appropriate and safe. When we have so much pent-up anger and rage, as most people do after enduring so much toxicity and abuse, it really needs to be able to be let out of our bodies. I talk a lot with my clients about screaming and about throwing tantrums and about hitting things. There’s a place in downtown Los Angeles called the Rage Room that I suggest to my clients when they really need to get out a lot of rage. You go for an allotted amount of time and they give you protective gear and a sledgehammer and you go into a room and you just F s**t up. Have you ever seen the movie “Office Space”? There’s a scene where the three guys take a printer to a field and just beat it up. I love that scene because it’s actually very real, as funny as it is. They are letting out their pent-up anger about this printer that has caused them so much distress. That’s what the Rage Room is for. Not everybody has access to a rage room, and it also costs money. But there are ways to get this for yourself. Get that anger out! Find a safe way, where nobody is harmed, and have some true catharsis.
5 . Esteemable things to remember who the F**k you are!.
In toxic relationships, we lose ourselves. We lose sight of our power, and our beauty and our worth. We forget that we are all of those things. In more cases than not, people leaving an abusive and/or toxic relationship feel pretty awful about themselves. They have shame that they stayed as long as they did or that they accepted any of that treatment. They really have perfected the skill of beating themselves up. They forget who they were before they got into that relationship. Part of our work in therapy when I help someone recover from a relationship like this is remembering who the F they are. It is magical to watch that light come on in their eyes when they start to get in touch with those parts again! It is the thing that will keep them out of entering another toxic relationship.
Following financial abuse, what actionable strategies can individuals employ to rebuild their lives and achieve financial independence? What resources are instrumental in this process?
The first step here is releasing shame that one most definitely carries after being a victim of financial abuse. Beating yourself up does no one any good and it only delays your healing process. Practicing being in the present moment and accepting the reality of it is integral in being able to move on from financial abuse and start anew. Utilizing your support system heavily when recovering from financial abuse is also part of the healing process. Put aside your ego and ask for help. Perhaps a loan or a place to live temporarily until you get your feet on the ground. Many people also utilize faith in this part of their lives. It’s important to have hope and faith that just because things don’t feel good right now, that they will not always be this way. Anything is possible.
For those impacted by multiple forms of abuse, what comprehensive strategies and support systems are most effective in facilitating their healing journey?
Support systems are integral in recovering from all forms of abuse. You cannot do this alone and there is no reason to! This is where group therapy is so very healing. Finding support groups for survivors of abusive relationships can help victims not feel so alone in their process of healing. Knowing that other people went through something similar, for out of it, survived it and recovered from it is everything. We need evidence that we can recover.
Finding a good therapist that can be by your side as you start your healing process is one of the best decisions that someone can make. Your therapist will be one of the safest places you can go after an abusive relationship. Many people are scared to be totally honest with other people of their support system for fear of what they may think of them or how they might judge them. They may hear things like “why didn’t you leave earlier?” Or “why would you stay?” Or “I would have left”. None of this is helpful or kind. The victim often feels enough shame about all of that so they certainly do not need any more from their loved ones. A therapist is always a safe place for someone to go to be brutally honest about their story and a safe place to share their thoughts.
What strategies can survivors use to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence?
I love this question. After they have started their healing journey and gotten through the crisis phase (the beginning phase right after leaving), it is time to start rebuilding yourself from the inside out. It is time to get to know yourself on a deep level. It is time to date yourself. Take yourself out to eat, to the movies, to the lake. Take yourself to beautiful spots that you wish someone would take you. Attune to yourself and give yourself the love you ant to receive from others. Do this for a long time. We want to get you used to receiving love so that you will not accept anything less. This part is the fun part! Get yourself flowers, yes. All of these actions start to shift how you feel about yourself; it gives you the feeling of worth and value.
How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?
Believe them! No matter what they say, there is no need to question how true any of it is. When someone endures a psychologically abusive relationship, they are never believed, honored, listened to, or validated in that relationship. Trauma is deepened by how others react to the trauma. If the victim is believed, loved, and validated, the trauma is already on its way to healing.
What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?
Your therapist will be one of the safest people in your life when recovering from psychological abuse. Having someone on your side, unbiased, that is solely there to help you heal and recover, is instrumental in your journey. They will also be someone that can help guide you into the resources that will be needed for your particular needs.
Trust in humans is something that is nearly completely lost in someone that has undergone psychological abuse. Often, they don’t know which way is up; their reality has been so distorted and invalidated. A therapist will help them find their center again so that they can start to rebuild their life in a way that feels safe and doable.
Could you name a few organizations or professionals that provide crucial support for individuals seeking to restart their lives after experiencing abuse, particularly when they have dependents relying on them?
Yes, I can. I am a therapist based in Los Angeles so my resources are for that area.
https://dpss.lacounty.gov/en/jobs/gain/sss/domestic-violence/shelters.html
This link is to a website with a plethora of resources for people trying to leave domestic violence situations.
Look on Psychology Today for a therapist local to you and start calling until you reach one and get an appointment. Your therapist will be able to direct you to their local resources that can help you find and gain more support in your process of healing.
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
One of my favorite ways to get movement in the lives of my clients is to start a questions with the words “Imagine if…”. So I am definitely on board with this question!
So I believe every single person needs and should have access to therapy. The insurance companies are a really flawed system where they don’t pay out to therapists nearly what they are worth so therapists don’t panel with them. That leaves the cost fully on the client; this is a hard sad truth within our healthcare system. What if insurance companies actually cared about people? What if they paid therapists their actual fees so therapists can provide their valuable services to everyone who needs them? This is a huge fantasy for us therapists and there isn’t a ton of hope that it can happen but hey… IMAGINE IF…
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
Our website has the most up to date information on all of our offerings.
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
Thank YOU so much for inviting me to do this interview with you! This is my passion and I love any opportunity to share it with the world.
About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com .
