I highly recommend seeking a licensed counselor or therapist to help you work through the traumatic experience you had. Counseling seriously saved my life. I was self-sabotaging my own self without realizing it. I had little to no healthy coping skills, I used to drink and drug to feel better and that is not helpful at all, only short term. A counselor can help you talk through those things as well as giving you healthy coping skills and ways to heal in a healthy way.
Psychological abuse can leave deep and lasting scars, affecting all aspects of a person’s life. Healing from such toxic relationships requires resilience, support, and effective strategies. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Jennifer Solarte.
Jennifer Solarte is an author, entrepreneur, trauma coach, reiki master, and speaker who is passionate about helping women live their best lives after trauma and abuse. She is the Founder of the nonprofit organization, &Rise, whose mission is to empower women to be the ultimate versions of themselves no matter their adversities. Jennifer has years of experience working with survivors and provides trauma-informed care to those she works with.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?
Myname is Jennifer Solarte and I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and domestic abuse. I was sexually abused by my father at the age of 7 and told to keep it a secret. My mother also knew and stayed with my father for many years after the abuse. I went on to become an adult and became a single mom at the age of 21.
Some of my hardest years were in my early 20s being a single mother and having very little support. I was broke, living paycheck to paycheck, $25,000 in credit card debt, and barely making ends meet. I became angry, and resentful, and was involved in many toxic and abusive relationships. I left my last abusive relationship in my early 30s and began seeing a counselor which changed my life for the better. Growing up, I always heard that “counselors just want money,” or to “pray and you will be okay” and soon realized those were biases from generations ago. I began healing from past traumas and abuse and wanted to break down barriers that prevent people from getting help. Counseling saved my life which is why we offer it for free. Money should never be the barrier to someone getting mental health help if they want it.
I continued to work hard juggling single motherhood, a full-time job, going to school, and began investing in real estate on the side. By the time I was 35, I had three investment properties, put myself through college, and started an Air B and B business. I became 100% debt free and began sharing my story so that other women can feel empowered to follow their dreams as well. In 2019, I held my first event in my living room and by the 3rd event, sold out 150 tickets. That is why I had my ‘lightbulb’ moment that I could turn this into a nonprofit. In March of 2020 I took a big risk on myself and quit my fulltime job to pursue my nonprofit dream and that is how &Rise was born. Since then, &Rise has served thousands of women, nationwide, through events, free counseling, free support groups, and educational workshops teaching women about healthy coping skills, healthy relationships, red flags, orders of protection, sound bath meditations, and art therapy events.
I am a huge advocate for women and for bringing more awareness to the black and brown communities around mental health and speaking out against abuse.
Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?
The most interesting story from my career was COVID. I had quit my full-time job the Friday before we went into stay in place orders and I freaked out. I started questioning my decision and I had to pivot before I even started. I had plans to do events but had an extremely small following back then plus I had no idea what I was doing on top of it. However, for me, COVID was a blessing in disguise. So many people were suffering anxiety, depression, fear, having to work from home, our kids being home from school, not being able to go out in public, etc. It was a lot when it first started. But that is what started our support groups. One group during COVID turned into 8 groups per week only 4 years later. I learned that change will always happen, and you just must flow with it instead of freaking out and pushing it away.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Three-character traits that have been instrumental to my success is empathy. Being a leader and having a team of 20+ people to oversee is no small feat. There are so many different personality types plus many of the people who are involved are survivors themselves, so I have to be mindful of certain people’s triggers/issues etc. Being a good leader is really important to me and I try to listen and have an open-door policy to anyone on my team who needs it. At the end of the day, we are people with feelings, and I try my best, (with boundaries of course) to accommodate my team.
The second trait that has been instrumental to my success is taking risks. I never considered myself to be a risk taker but when you look back at all the risks I have taken in my life, it is safe to say that I am. I believe that with great risks come great rewards. Yes, there is a chance that it doesn’t work how you plan it to but that is part of the risk. I have a saying that I love, “it is not rejection, it is protection.” When things don’t go our way or if people don’t do what we need them to, we tend to take it as a form of rejection, but I have learned that the universe simply is protecting us. Just because we want something doesn’t necessarily mean that it is good for us. Risk taking is a must in business and I am open to always trying new things.
The third lesson I have learned is to trust your gut. I have really been in tune with my body lately and listening to what my body wants and needs. If something or someone feels “off,” I listen to my body and trust what my body is trying to tell me. I unfortunately, had a really bad experience with another nonprofit organization last year and I had so many red flags that I ignored because I was being a people pleaser and didn’t want to upset the other organization. Bad mistake. Hard lessons learned but sometimes it’s the hardest lessons that teach us the biggest and most important lessons in our lives.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
Yes! We have so many new projects in the works. Our organization believes in taking the holistic approach to healing and therapy, so we are working on our health and wellness programming. We have been very successful in selling out sound bath meditation/reiki events, so we are planning to incorporate these more often into the work that we do. We plan to roll out a new program that offers sound bath meditations, reiki, reflexology, somatic experiencing (which helps clients release trauma through the physical body), and so much more! We have heard great feedback from our clients about the sound bath and reiki events and how helpful it is for their healing and overall wellbeing.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. Let’s start with a simple definition so that we are all on the same page. How would you define a Toxic Relationship?
A toxic relationship is a relationship that doesn’t make you feel good. You feel unseen, unheard, and constantly disrespected. A toxic relationship will leave you feeling confused, sad, angry, depressed, etc.
What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in various types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?
Some of the common signs of emotional abuse are feeling confused, sad, angry, and happy. Yes, I said happy. This is why emotional abuse is so confusing because it isn’t always bad. There are good times in there too which is part of the power and control wheel of abuse AKA the honeymoon stage. Emotional abuse can also include a lot of gaslighting which makes it even more confusing when someone is always telling you what your reality is, even though you’re experiencing a completely different reality. A good example I can use is your abuser telling you that the sky is purple even though you can see it is actually blue, but they can make you feel crazy enough to believe it is purple.
I am a survivor of financial abuse as well and this is a very hidden type of abuse. I had no idea I experienced this until I started &Rise and started learning more about the “invisible” types of abuse. Financial abuse can be your partner going into your purse and stealing money. It can also include taking out credit cards or loans in your name without permission. Financial abuse can also be your partner not allowing you to work and withholding money from you. This can also be your partner choosing not to work and putting all of the financial burden on you. I have seen cases where one partner doesn’t work but won’t allow the working person to use their own money. Or the person who works withholds all the money from the other partner. This can also look like giving your partner such a small allowance that won’t even buy a full meal out at a restaurant. Financial abuse can also be racking up debt in the other person’s name, spending money on yourself but not allowing your partner to spend on themselves, and/or not allowing you to save money or spending all your money.
Once you notice that you are being financially abused, consider calling a domestic violence hotline where they can help you with an escape plan and what that plan looks like financially as well. Once you are aware that this is happening to you or someone you love, you can then execute an action plan on how to get out of debt, saving, fixing your credit score, leaving your abusive partner, etc.
How can someone begin the healing process after leaving a toxic relationship? Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship”?
1 . I highly recommend seeking a licensed counselor or therapist to help you work through the traumatic experience you had. Counseling seriously saved my life. I was self-sabotaging my own self without realizing it. I had little to no healthy coping skills, I used to drink and drug to feel better and that is not helpful at all, only short term. A counselor can help you talk through those things as well as giving you healthy coping skills and ways to heal in a healthy way.
2 . If you’re having trouble talking to family and friends and need to talk to someone other than your counselor, I highly recommend seeking a support group with other survivors who have experienced similar situations. The thought of a support group seemed weird to me at first but once I experienced it, it was absolutely life changing. I am the facilitator of these groups and I have personally found so much healing through being vulnerable and talking about the hardest things I have ever experienced. The love, support, and validation that you receive in these spaces are very healing and help you to not feel so isolated and alone.
3 . Speak your truth (safely of course). I was trained to remain silent my entire life to protect my parents. They both coerced my sisters and I and scared us to think that if we told that we would lose our home and be homeless so we lied for them due to fear. This was wrong, and I want to remind everyone that the only person who benefits from your silence is your abuser. I am not saying to run to social media to shout it out to the world (but I support you if that is what you want to do) but there is a lot of power in holding those responsible who have hurt us. There is a lot of power in your voice, but we feel so much guilt and shame that we tend to stay silent. It took me 30 years to press charges against my father for my abuse, but I give myself the grace that I wasn’t ready until recently to do so. Guess what, counseling helped me get to this point where I finally wasn’t scared of him anymore and changed the narrative of my abuse.
4 . Change the narrative of your abuse. As survivors we are riddled with so much guilt, shame, and embarrassment around the abuse that we endured, which is exactly what our abuser wants. We don’t want to be judged so we don’t say anything and suffer in silence. The same thing happened to me. But after years and years of hard healing work and counseling, I finally was able to change the narrative of my story. Since I was a kid, I always thought to myself, “what kind of a daughter would I be if I put my Dad in jail or exposed him? “What kind of daughter does that?” If anyone knew, they’d all think me and my family are crazy” Until one day, I finally realized that those were the lies that were put into my head by my parents. I was 7 years old; I was an innocent child. My father should have been protecting me, not touching me and my mother should have also protected me instead of pretending it never happened. I finally accepted that my abuse was not my fault, and I finally was able to give all that guilt and shame that I had held onto my whole life, back to my Dad. This is his guilt and shame to carry, not mine. This was a huge and pivotal moment in my healing journey and now I don’t fear him or what others think or say about me.
5 . I wish I had more than 5 things to share because there are so many more but self-care is so important and has also made a huge difference in my healing journey. When I left my last abusive relationship, I had no idea who I was anymore. I was so busy trying to please him and keep him happy so we wouldn’t fight that I completely lost who I was. I forgot the things I liked to do because I typically wasn’t allowed to do those things when I was with him. Learning to practice self-care is so important for everyone but especially those who are trying to heal from a toxic relationship. There are a lot of misconceptions out there that self-care is just bubble baths and pedicures. Yes, it can be those things, but self-care is bigger than that. It is about doing the things that bring you peace and joy. Maybe that is reading a book, taking a walk, journaling, meditating, spending time with friends, cuddling with your pets, taking a nap, etc. Anything that grounds you and makes you feel whole. You may have to re-explore who you are, but I always think that it is a good thing. To many it seems scary to re-explore but I think it can be such a cool experience to reinvent yourself into who you want to be.
Following financial abuse, what actionable strategies can individuals employ to rebuild their lives and achieve financial independence? What resources are instrumental in this process?
Some actionable steps that you can take after financial abuse are to open a separate bank account which is important for establishing your financial independence, freezing your credit so you can prevent anyone from using it, reviewing your finances so you can understand the extent of your situation, and if possible, seeking legal advice. Some other actionable steps are creating a financial plan and financial goals, creating an emergency fund, and making sure to pay your bills on time so it doesn’t affect your credit score. There are so many free resources out there (we have that on our website) when it comes to financial literacy and education. I always encourage survivors to advocate for themselves, do research, most of us have phones and internet and we can do google searches on literally anything. Advocating for yourself also helps you build your self-esteem and confidence in your journey, so I highly recommend looking for what you need and reaching out. I am a big fan of Credit Karma so I can track my credit score and I also recommend looking into different ways to save money (I wrote a blog about this on our website). For example, I would save $20 every two weeks as I was starting to get out of debt and as time went on, I started contributing more and on a more consistent basis. Eventually I worked my way up to $50 per week and put it on auto transfer and it’s like that money never existed. Lastly, do not dip into your savings unless it’s for emergencies! I was living paycheck to paycheck and $25k in credit card debt and these are just some of the things I did to get back on track. I hope this helps.
For those impacted by multiple forms of abuse, what comprehensive strategies and support systems are most effective in facilitating their healing journey?
As you know, trauma and abuse are very complex issues that affect many areas of our lives. The first step is recognizing the abuse that is taking place. You can’t get help if you don’t know you need it. I highly recommend seeking professional help from a licensed counselor, therapist, psychotherapist, DV or SA advocate, social worker, etc. The right professional will provide you with resources and the appropriate next steps for your safety and wellbeing. I will also recommend seeking a support group so that you are in a safe space for others to validate your experience. Most people find support groups to be extremely helpful because they know they aren’t alone in their struggles. Aside from the support groups, it is also important to have a safe network of people who can support you through this difficult time. Having a strong support system is important for your trauma recovery. I will also reiterate how important self-care is for your healing journey. It is important to be able to find peace and calm during what can feel like a hurricane. Be sure to set boundaries not only with others and yourself. When we are dealing with all these things, we can get triggered and feel overwhelmed and exhausted and it is important to listen to what your body is trying to tell you. If you feel tired, rest. If you’re overwhelmed, take a break. And remember, it is okay to not be okay. Give yourself grace and remember that you’re trying your best, so don’t forget to give credit where it is due. Lastly, do not forget to look at your progress. As survivors, we tend to not give ourselves credit for all the changes we are implementing in our lives. Don’t forget to celebrate yourself for everything you’ve overcome. For those struggling with PTSD or CPTSD (complex PTSD) I would recommend EMDR or EBT therapy which can help immensely with fear, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, etc. For those struggling with sexual trauma I recommend somatic experiencing which can help with reregulating your nervous system and physically help with releasing trauma from the body.
What strategies can survivors use to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence?
For self-esteem and confidence, one of my strategies is journaling. Write a love letter to yourself. Tell yourself how amazing and strong you are. Gas yourself up! If you don’t, no one else will. Another journaling prompt that my clients love is who do you want to become? What does he/she look like? What’s the best-case scenario for your life? Not only is this a light and positive journaling prompt but it can also guide you to where you want to go. Once you know what the outcome is, you can start creating an action plan to get there.
Another strategy for self-confidence is moving. Whether it’s hitting the gym, taking a walk, running, yoga, dance, etc. Moving is great for the body and can release serotonin which makes us feel good! Even if you think you’re out of shape, start small and simple. Start with 10 minutes and slowly work your way up to more time. The more you do this the better you will start to feel.
Another good self esteem builder is affirmations. As survivors, we tend to believe the ugly things our abusers said about us. For me, I was told I was stupid, ugly, and that no one would ever love me like he did, and I believed it. I had low self-esteem because I believed the lies my abusers told me since childhood. Once I started listening to affirmations daily it truly changed the way I felt about myself. At first, I was simply reciting what I was hearing but I didn’t exactly believe it was true. But with practice comes perfection. As time went on, I really started believing what I was reciting. It takes 21 days to start a new habit so do affirmations every day, with conviction, and see how differently you start to feel. Practice makes perfect!
How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?
If someone has disclosed psychological abuse to you, the best things you can do is support them and ask them what they need from you. Do not share your opinion. Do not tell them what to do. Instead, ask them “how can I help you?” or “what can I do to support you?” Some other important things you can say are “I believe you,” or “I am sorry that happened to you.” We tend to think that because someone discloses abuse to us that they want our opinion or feedback and that is not always the case, sometimes they just need a safe person to vent to because it is a lot to carry. Do not question whether it’s abuse or not. Do not give unsolicited advice. Only offer advice if they ask and the best way to support someone is to refer them to a domestic abuse hotline (yes, psychological abuse is considered domestic abuse when it comes to a romantic, family, or person you are living with). The hotline can help them with an escape plan and advocate for them in court and more importantly, keep a paper trail of the abuse.
What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?
Therapy is such a valuable tool in your toolbox for overcoming trauma and abuse. Therapy provides the client a safe and supportive space to process emotions, helps to understand the impacts of abuse, processing in a safe way, and helping to provide you with healthy coping skills. Therapy can also help you to rebuild your self-esteem, set boundaries, improve communication, and maybe even helping you with a safety plan.
Some common barriers to accessing therapy can include financial constraints, the type of therapy needed, insurance, transportation, etc. To overcome the financial barrier there are so many nonprofits out there that provide free counseling. Look in your area for nonprofits that offer this for free. There are also many therapists out there who offer a sliding scale to make therapy more affordable. Also be sure to check if your insurance covers therapy and if the therapist accepts your insurance. Another benefit that people don’t always take advantage of is your employee EAP program. Be sure to check with your employer about EAP sessions. Many bigger companies offer a set amount of therapy sessions, for free, per incident. Lastly, it can take time to find the right therapist so don’t give up! It is okay to go through several people until you find your match. Yep, it’s just like dating. You must look and go on dates until you find someone you want to date long term.
Could you name a few organizations or professionals that provide crucial support for individuals seeking to restart their lives after experiencing abuse, particularly when they have dependents relying on them?
I must give a shoutout to Norma Peterson of Document the Abuse. She created an amazing program for domestic violence survivors in Illinois called the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit (EAA) was created to ensure that a victim’s words about their fears and previous violence will not disappear if she does. For the victim, it simply documents their history and experiences in a notarized document. If possible, it is always helpful to add any documentation, such as police/hospital reports, photos, letters, and emails, that help substantiate their experience and DNA samples. This type of Affidavit would eliminate the hearsay argument that was such a hurdle in the Kathleen Savio case. Additionally, making multiple copies will ensure that this information will find its way to law enforcement if anything should happen to the victim, and they cannot testify on their own behalf. This is a game changer for abuse victims, and I hope they expand to other states as well.
Another nonprofit that I commend for their amazing work is WINGS. They have locations throughout the state of Illinois and house women and their children who are escaping domestic abuse. They not only provide housing but all the necessities like diapers, formula, food, clothes, etc. They also offer counseling, mentoring, crisis hotlines, etc. We have been working with WINGS since our inception and have donated items every Christmas to their donation center. WINGS also takes in gently used women’s and children’s clothing.
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
I love this question. If I could start a movement that would bring good to the most amount of people, I would personally make the consequences for sexual and domestic abusers way harsher than they are now. I see so many abusers literally getting away with murder and walking away free. The consequences for perpetrators are way too lenient and I believe that if the consequences were harsher, this would happen less. There should be a zero-tolerance policy for any type of abuse. On top of that I would change the way these perpetrators are jailed. I do not believe our jail system helps its prisoners. I believe it makes people worse and I do believe in restorative justice and that it could be helpful for the perpetrator and victims but not in all cases of course. I believe that child molesters cannot always change their ways but perhaps some serious psychological help can help them from hurting more people.
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
If you would like to donate, sign up for a support group, sign up for our newsletter, or to learn more about the amazing work we are doing at &Rise, you can visit our website at www.womenrisechicago.org. You can also find us on TikTik at and_rise_ and IG at and_rise__ and facebook at womenrisechicago. If you are interested in booking me as a speaker, booking a corporate experience, or coaching you can contact us at info@womenrisechicago.org
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com .
