When you are ready, start to design your new life. What boundaries do you want to create for your life and the people you allow in it? What do you want your life to look like? The sky’s the limit. Remember you can get to decide who and what comes into your life. Take your power back.
Aspart of our series about the “5 Things You Need To Know To Survive and Thrive After Psychological Abuse”, I had the pleasure of interviewing Kirsten Guest. Kirsten was a stay-at-home mom for 23 years, but always knew she wanted to be a psychotherapist. She went back to school, Northwestern University, in 2015 to earn a master’s degree. From there she opened a private practice in 2017, and has grown the practice into a holistic model, incorporating mind, body and spirit. Since then, she’s been helping hundreds of women change their lives into the lives they desire and has developed tools and modalities to help clients achieve success. Her practice has grown into a niche of working with career women and utilizing Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy (KAP).
Thank you so much for joining us! Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?
There have been so many wonderful, interesting stories from my career. If I had to share one, it would be the day I realized that if I were able to teach my clients boundaries, and how to set and express them, they could achieve anything they wanted. It all started with a client that came to me early on in my practice. She had been married to an emotionally abusive husband and got out of the marriage. Her self-esteem was very low, but she knew she wanted to start dating again. She told me that the dates she had were not with the quality of man she wanted. We started working on her self-esteem. I taught her all about boundaries and we made a list of what she wanted in a partner and her list of non-negotiables. She stuck to them. Within a few months, her self-esteem improved greatly, and she started dating a wonderful man. That next year they were married. I knew I was on to something. I started teaching this method to my clients, not only with dating, but with any situation. The results were so great I wrote a book about it.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Three character traits that I think were the most instrumental to my success are listening to people, being open-minded, and being humble.
People want to know that they are being heard. This validates them and lets them know that they are worthy. I try to listen to people and really hear what they are saying to me. With clients and other people in my life, I make myself consciously available to them. I try to answer texts, emails and phone calls as soon as I can. This lets people know that I care and that I respect them.
I am always learning and adding new ways of helping people in my practice. I keep my mind open, and I explore everything, because you never know what you are going to find. Being open led me to Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy.
Being humble is one of the most important things you can do. If I don’t know something I ask for people to educate me. If I am asked a question and I don’t know, I go and seek the answer. I am very solution focused. Being kind and accepting of others is key.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
I am currently working on expanding my Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy (KAP) services. People can come into my office to have me guide them on their ketamine journey. I am also traveling to other cities to expand my KAP guide services for new clients. Ketamine Assisted Therapy has been shown to have wonderful success with anxiety, depression, and trauma. Being a guide, I work with the client before, during, and after treatment in a pleasing, safe space. Afterwards, we talk about the journey and then meet again to begin to interpret and integrate what they learned. This protocol is optimum for best results.
I have also developed what I call, “The Three-Step Process” that helps people make permanent behavioral changes for optimal joy in their lives. I have been teaching it to my clients and have had amazing success. It has worked so well, that I’m writing a book on it.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. Let’s start with a simple definition so that we are all on the same page. How would you define a Toxic Relationship?
A toxic relationship is a relationship where someone in the union is getting diminished. This means the person is not being respected, heard, or validated for what they want or need in the relationship.
What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in various types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?
A very common sign that a person is being abused if they just don’t feel good. Other signs are they may begin to feel anxious or depressed. They may begin to lose their drive. They know something is wrong, but they are not able to pinpoint what that is, exactly. Their joy levels begin to decrease. Many people do not realize they are being abused, because they cannot believe that any person they trust and love would abuse them.
An individual can start to ask themselves why they are feeling this way. They need to take an objective look at their life and be honest about what is really going on. They need to ask questions like, how am I feeling around this person? How does this person talk to me? Does this person listen to me? Does this person do the things I ask them to do for me? If the individual realizes they are not being treated the way they want to be treated, it is time to set boundaries.
Here is our main question. How can someone begin the healing process after leaving a toxic relationship? Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need to Heal After a Toxic Relationship”? (Please share a story or an example for each)
1 . Self-Care. Nourishing yourself, being gentle with yourself, and being kind to yourself. This gives your mind and body the space to heal.
2 . Honor all the feelings that come up for you. Feel them and allow yourself to process what you experienced. Suppressing thoughts and feelings breaks down the mind and body.
3 . Write down all the good qualities about yourself. For example, how you show up for people and how you treat people. Keep reinforcing these things for yourself and you will begin to believe why you deserve a healthy, happy relationship of any type.
4 . Call on your support network. A support network can not only be friends and family, but also something like a volunteer group or a new community group with like-minded people. Having connections, and not isolating, reminds you that there is so much more out there for you to experience. Be around people that make you feel good about yourself.
5 . When you are ready, start to design your new life. What boundaries do you want to create for your life and the people you allow in it? What do you want your life to look like? The sky’s the limit. Remember you can get to decide who and what comes into your life. Take your power back. This is your opportunity to start a whole new chapter full of joy and healthy relationships.
Following financial abuse, what actionable strategies can individuals employ to rebuild their lives and achieve financial independence? What resources are instrumental in this process?
Following financial abuse, be kind to yourself. Realize that now is the time to take charge of your finances. Educate yourself on what it means and what it takes to be financially independent. Know that the situation you are in is temporary, even though it does not feel like it. Take the steps to create a new future for yourself. There are many books that can help guide you to financial freedom. One of my favorites is The Total Money Makeover.
For those impacted by multiple forms of abuse, what comprehensive strategies and support systems are most effective in facilitating their healing journey?
The most important thing you can do for yourself is to be kind to yourself. If you can be gentle with yourself, you will allow yourself to heal and have a clear mind to begin to move forward and create a better life. When you are kind to yourself your nervous system can relax and process what happened and how you can prevent abuse from happening again. If you are mean to yourself and shame yourself your nervous system becomes dysregulated. When we are dysregulated, our mind is not able to think clearly, and we can become more anxious and even depressed.
What strategies can survivors use to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence?
It is imperative that survivors begin to have a relationship with themselves to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence. Happiness is an inside job. If you aren’t able to like yourself, you are not going to be able to have positive self-esteem or true confidence. Get to know yourself. Begin to like all parts of you, the silly, quirky parts, and even the parts you don’t find to be so great (you can always change that behavior). Self-acceptance is key. That’s where the real empowerment is.
How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?
The best way friends and family can support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse is just to listen. Allow them the space to talk about their experience so they can begin to process what happened to them. Don’t judge them or tell them what they should be doing. Just let them know you are there to support them in any way they need. Don’t assume you know what they need or what they should be doing during this time. Simply ask them to tell you what they need.
What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?
Therapy plays a crucial role in recovering from psychological abuse. It allows you to be in a safe space to process what happened. You will be able to understand why it happened and how to not allow it to happen again. Your therapist can help you map out a plan going forward and teach you tools to begin to design your new life.
Finding the right therapist is very important. You need to like and feel comfortable with your therapist, so you can feel safe to open up and be vulnerable. Have consultation calls with therapists. Tell them what you are looking for in a therapist. If you try someone and you don’t like the experience don’t give up. Finding a therapist is like dating. You may have to go on a few dates to find the right fit.
Think of therapy as a luxury. Think of it as a wonderful place to get to know yourself better, and a place where you can heal and begin to design the life you want.
I teach my clients about their internal flame. I ask them, is it burning bright or is it burning out? I teach my clients how to stoke their internal flame. In that is maximum joy and happiness.
Ketamine Assisted Therapy is also a wonderful way to explore how you want to live your life. It allows you to turn off the default daily messages that you tell yourself that may be blocking you from true happiness. It helps with anxiety, depression and allows you to think of more positive ways to feel about your life.
Could you name a few organizations or professionals that provide crucial support for individuals seeking to restart their lives after experiencing abuse, particularly when they have dependents relying on them?
I would start with the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. https://www.thehotline.org They have wonderful resources and can help guide you to what you need depending on your circumstances.
Your therapist can also provide you with resources in your area to provide more support. Group therapy and support groups for emotional abuse are a wonderful place to start.
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
I would start a movement that teaches people the importance of being kind and respecting others who may not have the same viewpoints as you. By listening to others, you could learn something new for your benefit. Kindness, acceptance, and respect need to be at the core of our interaction with others. Imagine if people were more supportive of others. Imagine if we smiled at each other more. What would our world look like?
