Get connected with a qualified professional — Healing from a toxic relationship can be very layered and heavy work. If you are wanting support along your journey, I recommend getting connected with your local domestic violence agency or a therapist who specializes in trauma and relationships.
Psychological abuse can leave deep and lasting scars, affecting all aspects of a person’s life. Healing from such toxic relationships requires resilience, support, and effective strategies. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Lea Trageser, LMFT.
Lea is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York, where she is the founder and therapist at Helix Marriage and Family Therapy PLLC. Lea works with individuals and couples who are looking to improve relationships in their lives by processing past traumas. She empowers her clients to become more secure in their relationship with themselves, in order to foster relationships that are meaningful and fulfilling with their loved ones.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?
Igrew up in the suburbs of New York City, where I am the middle of five children. I describe the home I grew up in as “beautiful chaos,” because with five kids running around there was never a dull moment. In childhood I enjoyed playing soccer, creating art, and exploring the woods in my neighborhood with my childhood friends. After High School, I attended Virginia Tech, where I got a Bachelor of Science in Human Development with minors in Spanish and Women and Gender Studies. Fun fact: four of my five siblings attended Virginia Tech — Go Hokies! Then, I went on to get my Masters of Marriage and Family Therapy with a concentration in sex therapy from Jefferson University in Philadelphia. My first job out of graduate school and for three years after was at a nonprofit agency focused on serving survivors of interpersonal traumas, which provides me with insights into this interview topic.
Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?
The most interesting part of my story so far has been the decision to open my private practice. Though it was always a goal of mine, it was a ten year goal. However, after about three years of working for a nonprofit, earning my Marriage and Family Therapy License, and feeling ready for a shift in my job, I started to reflect on this goal. I realized that ten years was an arbitrary amount of time, and should this be something that I want, I can work towards it and achieve it. With the support of my friends, family, and colleagues, I launched my private practice and went fulltime in it not even a year later. Though it was scary, I am so proud of that choice. In that process I learned that courage is doing something even though you’re scared, the importance of leaning on my support system, and to always bet on myself.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Three traits that I think were instrumental in my success, specifically in launching my own business, are dedication, resourcefulness, and bravery. Dedication has served me well on this journey because opening a business is hard work, honestly even harder than I would have thought. From learning new skills like bookkeeping, to building my website, it has taken a tremendous amount of dedication in order to persevere. I am incredibly proud of that. Next, being resourceful and leaning on my support system has been a huge part of my success. When I learn a new skill, I think over my connections and who may be able to help. I am incredibly grateful for friends and family who have supported me along the way. And I am grateful to myself that I was vulnerable and asked for help. Lastly, success has required an incredible amount of bravery. Leaving the security of a full time job with a salary and benefits in order to pursue my own private practice was the scariest decision I have made. Despite this fear, I knew I wanted to make the jump, so I did. Bravery isn’t the lack of fear, it is doing it regardless.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
The projects I am working on are centered around writing. Whether it be my blog or collaborative interviews with Authority Magazine, I have been focusing my time and energy in this area. I prioritize writing because it helps spread information that is hopefully helpful to people who may otherwise not have access to it. Whether it be sharing tips for dating or how to stop being a people pleaser, I hope that the information I share has a positive impact on readers.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. Let’s start with a simple definition so that we are all on the same page. How would you define a Toxic Relationship?
A toxic relationship can be any sort of relationship that demonstrates a pattern of power and control, demonstrates disrespect and/or devaluing, and doesn’t honor each person’s individual wants/needs/feelings.
What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in various types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?
Any form of abuse, whether it be emotional, financial, or psychological, are often part of a bigger pattern of power and control. Some signs to look out for include changing your wants, needs, or values in order to appease the other person, if you are being put down or limited in any way, and if you find yourself having the feeling of walking on eggshells around the other person. The first, difficult, step is recognizing these red flags. However, an even more imperative and difficult task is to honor them. One thing I commonly say to clients I work with is, “no relationship is all good or all bad, and that’s one of the many reasons why leaving is so hard.” Remembering the good times is important, however, not letting the good times overshadow or minimize the difficult times and forms of abuse is so important. Allow them to coexist and make a decision with a holistic, clear, understanding of the dynamics of the relationship.
How can someone begin the healing process after leaving a toxic relationship? Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship”?
1 . Reconnect with healthy relationships — I am a firm believer that healing happens through forming and experiencing positive, healthy, safe, connections. Often in toxic relationships, a form of isolation occurred. So in the aftermath of a toxic relationship, it is so important to connect and reconnect with loved ones. Allow your nervous system to absorb unconditional love and support, setting boundaries and them being honored, and safety to be and express yourself.
2 . Practice honoring yourself in small ways — This is important because commonly in toxic relationships a person can adapt an appeaser part in order to keep themself safe. This appeaser parts de-centers themself and centers the other persons’s wants/needs/feelings in order to avoid conflicts. Relearning and practicing to center oneself again is an important part of healing. Doing so in small ways such as buying the brand of yogurt you like again or reconnecting with hobbies that once brought joy, will grow the sense of self again.
3 . Ground into knowns — A common tactic in toxic relationships is gaslighting, where the abuser makes the other person question their own reality and the abuse. So, after leaving a toxic relationship, one will commonly encounter self doubt, questioning, and minimizing. It can be helpful to keep a list of experiences you had in the relationship, so that in moments of self doubt you can ground into those knowns.
4 . Validate — Often in toxic relationships, the person being harmed experiences invalidation and minimization of their experience and feelings. After ending the relationship make sure to validate any feelings that arise. This can sound like, “Of course I’m feeling sad about ____, I think any human would feel that in response to ____.”
5 . Get connected with a qualified professional — Healing from a toxic relationship can be very layered and heavy work. If you are wanting support along your journey, I recommend getting connected with your local domestic violence agency or a therapist who specializes in trauma and relationships.
Following financial abuse, what actionable strategies can individuals employ to rebuild their lives and achieve financial independence? What resources are instrumental in this process?
Connect with resources in order to grow your financial literacy. With knowledge we can grow empowerment. Local libraries, your local domestic violence agency, your personal network, and podcasts are all great places to start looking.
For those impacted by multiple forms of abuse, what comprehensive strategies and support systems are most effective in facilitating their healing journey?
Maintaining connections with friends and family who offer safety and support will be key. Additionally, finding an expert, such as a trauma therapist, can help you understand the layers of abuse you experienced and how they are multiplicative. With this knowledge and support you can offer yourself grace and patience as you navigate the healing journey.
What strategies can survivors use to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence?
Surround yourself with people who add value to your life and see and honor your value. People learn about themselves through connection. So being around people who reflect back traits that they love and value about you will integrate into how you see yourself.
How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?
Be there and believe them. It really boils down to that. Being there, showing up consistently with patience and compassion, is the most powerful thing you can do.
What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?
Therapy plays a key role in recovering from psychological abuse. From psychoeducation, to creating a safe space, therapists can help individuals process and heal from past traumas. It is so important to find a therapist who is qualified in domestic violence and abusive relationships. Be sure to ask them about their experience with this population and approach they take. Vibe is also incredibly important, so make sure that you find a therapist who will be a good fit for YOU. As for accessibility, connecting with your local domestic violence agency can provide invaluable resources, as well as searching for a therapist with the directory Open Path Collective. This directory provides access to therapy for individuals in financial need at a lower cost.
Could you name a few organizations or professionals that provide crucial support for individuals seeking to restart their lives after experiencing abuse, particularly when they have dependents relying on them?
The most invaluable resource will be your local domestic violence agency. I recommend using a web browser to find the agency local to you and from there they should provide you with information and resources specific to your area and needs.
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
One of my dreams is to merge my passion of traveling with supporting trauma survivors. In 2019 I had the pleasure of hiking 500 miles on the Camino de Santiago, which is a pilgrimage that goes across Spain. It was a highly reflective and transformative experience for me, and I dream of hosting a therapy retreat with trauma survivors, where we walk during the day and have process groups at night.
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
I hope readers choose to follow along! More information about me, my practice, as well as my blog can be found at HelixMFT.com. This is also where NY residents can schedule a free phone consultation if they are interested in working together. I am on Instagram and Facebook @helixmft, and on LinkedIn as Helix Marriage and Family Therapy PLLC.
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com .
