Pay it forward. If you have learned something after abuse, give back by sharing it in the support group you’ve attended. Or if someone has stood by your side, whether it is a friend, a family member, or a formal advocate in a program, let them know.
Psychological abuse can leave deep and lasting scars, affecting all aspects of a person’s life. Healing from such toxic relationships requires resilience, support, and effective strategies. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Lizbeth Meredith, L.A. Meredith, LLC.
Lizbeth Meredith is an author, professional speaker, and podcaster whose first memoir, Pieces of Me: Rescuing My Kidnapped Daughters was adapted into a TV movie, Stolen By Their Father. She wrote Grounded in Grit: Turn Your Challenges into Superpowers for women healing following abuse, and is soon to publish her first novel, Tilka Faces the Odds, One Man at a Time.
After three decades serving crime victims and offenders and as a survivor interviewer for an indie true crime channel, she now works with businesses and groups as a speaker to increase resilience while taming trauma through the power of story. Connect with her at lameredith.com or find her podcast, Persistence U with Lizbeth on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4ZirbxRZcXegOP382RuVsQ or on audio, wherever you listen to podcasts.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?
Asa child in a home punctuated by family violence and parental kidnapping, I let my imagination rule, writing tragic stories that transported me to a better place and time, where one day I would happily have my own children and give them a stable, two-parent home. When my youngest daughter’s first birthday was spent with me and her sister in a domestic abuse shelter, I realized it took more than good intentions to make it so. While therapy and other support eventually helped, a graduate degree in psychology and working with others who experienced trauma in the system that had once failed me proved to be invaluable.
After retiring from a robust career in the justice system, I eventually landed at a contract job that turned fulltime in true crime, where I located and interviewed crime survivors who wished to share their stories to include in documentaries, tapping into their strength and resilience. I often worked long hours, six and seven days a week. It was worth it to give survivors an opportunity to be heard. My bosses gave only glowing feedback and asked me for my feedback regarding how the interviews were used.
When, nearly a year into the work, I noticed that survivors’ perspectives became more of an afterthought rather than key to the story arc, I spoke up, advocating for a different way to use the interviews.
Immediately, I was fired. And while it was sad, I was proud of myself.
Justice and stories of resilience remain a key value to me, and as a people-pleaser in recovery, it had taken courage to stand up to the company owner. I gave myself a mental pat on the back and knew that I had done my best to be trauma-informed during my tenure, but proceeding further once I realized the direction the company was going in would have been untenable. It had been the perfect job for me for a good while. Then things changed.
Rather than give up the work of my heart, I merely incorporated it into my podcast, Persistence U with Lizbeth, where I’ve long spotlighted stories of survival and resilience. It renewed my interest in the podcast, and sparked my newest book, a work in progress on ethics in true crime. I attended CrimeCon recently, where the theme was “Turning Interest into Action.” There, I found my tribe.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Hope. Having a vision that I could create a better life for myself, and my kids translated into becoming a first-generation college graduate and a public servant enthusiastic about helping others find their voice.
Self-Awareness. Leaving a toxic marriage, I initially had no self-esteem. After time and reflection, I became more self-aware. I’ve no shortage of flaws, but I also discovered my strengths, and learned how to leverage them. I have learned what emotional hotspots I have so I am better able to regulate my emotions, so work can remain a strength and refuge during times of personal strife.
Determination. When I left my abusive marriage at 25, I had a vision for a different future, one with emotional and financial stability, so I finally began the heavy lifting needed. I made baby steps, resisting the urge to re-couple as many around me did. I wanted to be sure I was finally in the driver’s seat of my own life as much as possible.
When my former husband kidnapped our daughters four years after I left him, taking them out of country, I learned the importance of tuning in to self-talk. Rather than say to myself, “I hope I’ll get my girls back,” I would think, “I can’t wait until I bring the girls home.”
I used to envy people with obvious “natural” talent or good connections or familial wealth, but as I got older, I realized the power of persistence is nothing to trifle with. If we give ourselves the opportunity to work on goals and dreams, and are willing to fail and keep at it, we will learn so much through the process, even if we change or modify our original plans.
What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in various types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?
A relationship with elements of psychological abuse is when one person intentionally uses a pattern of behaviors for the express purpose of coercing and controlling their intimate partner.
- Your partner is happiest when you are feeling low.
- Any new interests or friendships are a perceived threat to the toxic partner, who will likely make accusations of being cheated on or neglected.
- Initially, you may have been put on a pedestal by the toxic partner. Too soon afterward, you can do no right. From personal habits to looks to even choices about clothing or hobbies, the subtle putdowns begin to gnaw away at your sense of self.
- With time, there is a marked imbalance of power within the relationship.
How can someone begin the healing process after leaving a toxic relationship? Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship”?
- Community. Since toxic relationships thrive in isolation, surrounding yourself with people in your corner, even if it means (and maybe especially if it means) joining a support group, in person, or online, is important. If threats are being made that jeopardize your safety, there is no substitute for connecting with your local domestic abuse program. Staff will maintain neutrality and not judge you regarding your choices. They are trained to help craft an individualized safety plan and connect you with information that will help you make your own best choice.
- Lean in to the low. Another words, don’t hesitate to learn from what you have experienced and feel all the associated feelings. Ask yourself, “Why does my partner do this? What do they gain by behaving this way? How did the relationship devolve? Were there signs that didn’t present until later?”
When I worked as a domestic abuse survivor advocate, I often saw women who jumped into a relationship with someone else before they had had a chance to learn and to heal from the original one, with terrible results.
3. Become an expert in the issue that has created barriers and pain for you. Again, much information can be gained in support communities. But listen to relevant podcasts or read books on the topic. You cannot change what happened, but you can learn much about yourself, and decide how you want to respond.
4. Embrace the fact that recovery from trauma is lifelong, and a few counseling sessions or a change of circumstances does not equate to lasting change. Time does not heal all wounds, but unpacking, learning from, and incorporating the experience of surviving into your life goes a long way toward recovery.
5. Pay it forward. If you have learned something after abuse, give back by sharing it in the support group you’ve attended. Or if someone has stood by your side, whether it is a friend, a family member, or a formal advocate in a program, let them know.
Following financial abuse, what actionable strategies can individuals employ to rebuild their lives and achieve financial independence? What resources are instrumental in this process?
I had no control over money earned when I was in a volatile marriage and was young. I had never established credit or launched a career to fall back on. Shelter living and public assistance temporarily saved me, but it took some more years before I could finally establish credit and buy a home.
For me, attending college on a Pell Grant allowed me to get off public assistance once and for all. I didn’t receive child support. I had no family around me. But bit by bit, things came together.
When advocating for fellow survivors years later, I’d point survivors to agencies that recommended things like freezing their credit, changing passwords to secure shared accounts, calling credit card companies to remove the abusive partner or remove themselves from the shared account, or contacting a clearinghouse like the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence to connect to relevant programs that can help.
For comprehensive support, I recommend a combination of individual therapy, group support, journaling, and prioritizing self-care. It sounds like a lot. It is a lot. But too often, women allow themselves to fall to the bottom of their own list of priorities. Investing in ourselves can positively impact not just us, but our families, and our community.
How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?
A critical part of supporting someone you love who has been abused is to believe them. Resist judging them. Withhold opinion and judgement, no matter how hard it is. Saying things like, “I can’t believe you’d put up with that,” or “I always thought you were strong,” are not helpful. Surprisingly, cheerleading the person you care about can be detrimental too. “I’m so proud of you for leaving!” or name calling the toxic partner is not productive, either. Often those in abusive relationships return, albeit temporarily, to their toxic partner, and once you have made your opinion clear, they may pull away from you out of embarrassment once they reunify.
It is also important to nudge your loved one to receive relevant services. “I’m worried about you. There are people trained to help who will provide confidential and non-judgmental support,” or “You deserve to be treated well,” are important messages worth repeating.
Therapy with a trauma-informed clinician who understands toxic relationships can be invaluable. When I had no money or insurance, I got on waitlists for pay as you can or therapists that accepted Medicaid. It was a worthwhile effort.
While therapy can be instrumental in the healing journey, it is important to select a trained therapist and not go to a lay counselor or clergy member if dealing with coercive control. Marriage or relationship counseling is contraindicated when there is an imbalance of power. The partner with the most control may retaliate against the other after the counseling session ends.
What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?
A therapist can be key in the healing journey when recovering from psychological abuse, so long as they have updated training in the dynamics of coercive control and are trauma informed. A good therapist will help process the experiences and provide objective feedback on signs missed or negative messages we may still be telling ourselves, long after the toxic relationship has ended. In many communities, community mental health centers provide sliding scale fees. Local universities may provide campus counseling to non-enrollees.
Organizations that can help are DomesticShelters.org, OneLove.org, and your local legal aid.
When I signed up for public assistance decades ago, staff there referred me to get a Pell Grant and finish college. When I stayed in a shelter with my children, staff referred me to get housing support. The goal was to utilize services as briefly as possible so that I could be financially solvent and never again be dependent upon a person or the government to support me and my girls. It kept me from relying on any one person or faith community (for example) that might try to influence my choices further.
If I could start a movement today, it would be to create opportunities for people to rewrite their life’s story. I’ve long thought of life as a book. We don’t write the beginning chapters, we inherit them. But in the middle section, we can be intentional and re-shape the pages to influence the last pages so that we have lived a life we can be proud of.
Please connect with me at lameredith.com, Persistence U Podcast with Lizbeth, or on my YouTube channel that includes recent podcast interviews at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4ZirbxRZcXegOP382RuVsQ.
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com .
