Be unapologetic about your boundaries
Ina world where the journey towards sobriety is often challenging and deeply personal, understanding the pathways and strategies for achieving and maintaining sobriety is crucial. This series aims to provide insight, encouragement, and practical advice for those who are on the road to recovery, as well as for their loved ones and support networks. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Gill McKay.
Gill McKay runs Inquisitive Coaching, helping professional, successful midlife women to break free from the hold of alcohol and start living a life on their own terms; a life they don’t want to escape from. She also works with teams and organisations to open up the conversation around alcohol and stop the stigma around sobriety and sober curiosity.
With a background in neuroscience, Gill is also a mental health first aider, award-winning TEDx speaker and a best-selling author of “STUCK: Brain Smart Insights for Coaches”.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?
From a work perspective, I have a background in learning and development and have always loved facilitating conversations in groups and helping people to progress towards their goals. I had an international corporate career, mainly in the tech sector, working with diverse cultures and team performance. I became freelance in 2002, working with clients predominantly in the leadership performance space. I decided to add to my armoury by studying neuroscience and qualifying as an executive coach and NLP Master Practitioner. I was particularly interested in the emerging field of neuroscience as a way of understanding human behaviour and difference. I became sober seven years ago and it changed my life for the better in so many ways that I decided to qualify as a sober coach, and now work with both individuals and organisations. I am on a mission to help workplaces understand the link of alcohol with health and wellbeing so that they can offer support to employees who may be struggling.
I live in west London with my husband, three adult kids and a new labrador puppy, Douglas.
Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?
One story I am proud of was when I published my book “Stuck: Brain Smart Insights for Coaches” and then collaborated with one of the practitioners in the neuroscience business I co-founded, MyBrain International, to turn some of the chapters into workshops. He was based in Indonesia and we ran a series of events to help coaches learn the underpinning brain science behind motivation, decision making and habits. I had the privilege of working with more than 100 of his students from his coaching academy in Jakarta. It was the first time I launched a programme away from my local space and it really taught me the value of repurposing and tailoring work in different cultures.
You are a successful individual. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Empathy
I am a natural empath and while that can have its downsides, I honour this trait as a strength. I have spent much of my time in my career facilitating sessions with groups, both in the work context and also volunteering. A few years ago, I delivered a presentation skills workshop with a client group of new graduates, with varying levels of confidence and self-belief. My compassionate and empathetic approach ensured that everyone was able to contribute in a safe and inclusive space and each participant recognised that this was a room of equals, the ego was parked at the door and we could all learn from each other.
Curiosity
My curiosity has given me a mindset of life-long learning and I believe it is my superpower!
As a child, I always felt different to my friends as I was born with a heart defect and attended school part time. So, I found a way of honouring my difference and being proud of it by becoming curious about myself, my illness and the world around me when I was at home in the afternoon and my friends remained at school. I discovered that all our brains are unique and thought I would become a brain or a heart surgeon! Whilst I didn’t pursue a medical career, I was able to incorporate neuroscience into my leadership learning programmes in the late 1990s when the research was moving beyond the clinical application and bringing attention to the physiological basis of human behaviour. Neuroscience as a modality helps clients to understand their differences, their strengths and their patterns — it is fun to learn about too!
Self-Awareness
My training as a facilitator, executive coach, NLP master practitioner, somatic coach and sober coach/mentor have all provided opportunities for me to learn about myself. Understanding my motivations, my strengths and putting a language to my blind spots has been liberating. As a result, I trust my intuition and take time to pause and reflect if something feels “off”.
After delivering a TEDx talk earlier this year my intuition was telling me that I need to connect with more people who are struggling with alcohol. I decided to listen to my inner guide and reduced the number of clients I was working with privately so that I could invest more of my time connecting with larger audiences via public speaking. This has also enabled me to “give back” by running a volunteer mentor programme with a Community Interest Company called Women Who Don’t Drink.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
I have the privilege of working with a Community Interest Company called Women Who Don’t Drink, run by the amazing Stephanie Chivers, to set up a mentoring programme. This year we are recruiting 15 new volunteer mentors to support 30 women who want support in reducing their alcohol intake, taking a break from alcohol or stopping altogether. It is a service we want to scale following the trial so that we can apply for funding to support more people. It would be wonderful if this free service was signposted by GPs so that people who are struggling with their drinking can join our supportive community.
How would you advise individuals who are contemplating the journey to sobriety but might be hesitant or unsure about taking the first step? Are there key considerations or strategies that can make this initial phase more manageable?
The message of “Start with Why” from the author Simon Sinek rings true here. Hesitation and doubt is natural at the start of any journey that represents behaviour and lifestyle changes. Alcohol is particularly complex as it is a legally addictive substance that people may be physiologically and psychologically dependent on. People rarely drink because they love the taste, although of course that can be a factor. It is usually because there is something else going on and the drink provides some numbing from life’s stresses as it offers a coping mechanism and dulls the pain in some way. Any contemplation to start this journey is helped by knowing why we want the change. What do you want to move away from and what do you want to move towards?
Being clear on our “why” can help with motivation in the early days. I also recommend keeping a journal of thoughts, feelings, gratitude and learning, with your “why” at the top of every page.
Making sure that you plan something lovely every day can also help. Small “rewards” like a walk with a friend, a takeaway cappuccino, a bubble bath or time to read a book. This isn’t just about giving yourself a “well done” message, but it’s also teaching you to consciously appreciate the small things in life and derive joy from them. Alcohol provides a dopamine hit that your brain and body will be used to, so your journey to stop drinking is helped when you learn to enjoy what’s available around you, rather than relying on the instant gratification provided by alcohol.
For some people, apps and stats can help. Counting the days, the money saved, the calories saved and the health benefits can also help with daily motivation. When I first start working with clients I recommend that they work out how much they spend on alcohol in a month, then physically withdraw the cash from the bank and display it in a glass jar. At the end of the month they can take the money they’ve saved and treat themselves to something. This is a great way of learning the value of a reward and recognising that alcohol wasn’t a treat but a money drain.
Taking a selfie at the beginning of your journey and seeing an improvement in your appearance within a short period of time is a real visual motivator of what is changing.
And really, the key is to take action every day. Even when motivation wanes you can be proud that you took action towards another day of being alcohol-free.
Sobriety often comes with its unique set of challenges. Can you share insights on how individuals can effectively navigate obstacles or triggers that may arise during their journey? Are there specific tools or support systems that you find particularly helpful in overcoming these challenges?
No change is plain sailing and it is helpful to plan for challenges that may emerge. One way to do this is alongside a coach who can help you to identify the day to day obstacles or triggers, then work out a plan for dealing with each.
As mentioned above, daily journaling is a useful habit to adopt, as a way of feeling present with emotions and getting your thoughts and feelings onto paper.
Joining one of the many online communities can help with any feelings of isolation and is a way of learning about others’ stories and journeys to an alcohol free life. It is worth checking them out to find a group that feels right.
When I stopped drinking seven years ago there were very few books or podcasts available in the sobriety area but now there are so many to choose from.
In the sobriety world a common tool that is used to manage any cravings is the acronym HALT: are you hungry, angry, lonely or tired? It is worth taking a pause and checking these four areas. Do you really need a snack, or are you just dealing with your emotions in a different way? It may be that you’re actually craving the company of others or need to rest. If all of the HALT areas are satisfied, it’s important to remember that a craving is just a thought. A great tool to use is to give yourself 15 minutes to do something else and then see what has happened to the thought. Invariably it diminishes or disappears altogether.
Focusing on good nutrition, hydration, sleep, exercise and being present are the basics that need to be covered. Tune into your body by practising meditation, breathwork or yoga, or going for a walk will help you to tune into your body and stop you from ruminating on any thoughts. I tell my clients to have their trainers or wellies ready at the door so it is easy to leave the house and grab some fresh air. In addition, many clients start a new hobby as a distraction.
Maintaining sobriety is a long-term commitment. From your experience, what are the essential factors that contribute to the sustained success of individuals on this journey? Are there lifestyle adjustments or mindset shifts that prove crucial for the ongoing pursuit of sobriety?
People who really want to change are more likely to be successful and build resilience, but that doesn’t mean they won’t experience blips or even a relapse. Sometimes it takes a number of attempts to learn how to navigate the ups and downs of every-day life alcohol-free, and determine which strategies did and didn’t work during previous attempts.
Remember, most people don’t have the luxury of disappearing to an alcohol-free island with no temptations, to rest and journal in the early days! You have to learn how to live your own life, discovering who you are now that you’re alcohol-free.
In addition, you’re likely to face curiosity from friends and maybe even some push back. In some ways, your new found sobriety can hold a mirror up to others who may quietly be concerned about their own drinking. In my TEDx talk I shared my shock at how many people tried to persuade me to have “just one” because I was boring to be around.
Clients differ as to how they behave around alcohol. For some people, they choose to stay away from events where alcohol will be served and remove all alcoholic drinks from their house. Others learn to live alongside alcohol (after all it is everywhere!) and work on boundaries about what they will accept or not. For example, driving home when everyone else is intoxicated and not able to hold a conversation at a party. Many people discover the joy of exercise, which in itself may bring on lifestyle changes such as an earlier bedtime or a different bedtime routine.
Mindset shifts are important and it is good practice to remind yourself why you have chosen the sober path. Firstly, it is absolutely your right to make any choice you make about what you consume, you do not need to justify any choice.
It is nobody’s business what you have in your glass — whether it is elderflower cordial or water. Also, you need to mind your language and the message you send to your brain when you say things out loud. You are NOT giving anything up, you’re simply gaining benefits. Similarly, you are not missing out on anything — flip that thinking and focus on everything you are gaining; an evening that you’ll remember in great detail or looking fantastic because of the hangover free life and the good sleep you’re getting and of course, the choice to drive home if you want to.
It helps to own your choice to be alcohol-free, be proud about it and affirm to yourself that you do your best every day. You could also follow the Mel Robbins trick of high-fiving your reflection in the mirror.
I also recommend not to be casual about your sobriety, remain consciously self-aware of any emotions you are feeling and keep curious about what thoughts are coming up. An additional useful technique is around “playing the tape forward”, to think about how you would feel if you have a drink tomorrow and recognise that it really isn’t worth it.
Finally, it is important to set boundaries around what you will and won’t accept from others. Many people who drink have loose boundaries at best, so it can be a learning curve to adopt the shift that you deserve to have your own boundaries and stick to them.
Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Begin, Navigate, & Sustain Sobriety”?
1 . To understand your “why” and take action every day
One of the reasons I stopped drinking is because I realised that I no longer recognised the woman I had become. I didn’t like her. I had become secretive and sneaky, which was totally out of alignment with my value of honesty. I had been able to articulate honesty as a core value since my late 20s when my first husband had an affair with my best friend. There was no possibility of reconciliation as he had totally crossed a line that was fundamental to me — as had she. When my drinking ramped up over the following decades, I lost the essence of who I had become and the denial about how much I was drinking. The lying and hiding wine bottles around the house just became intolerable to me and impossible to ignore. It was a relief to start to tell myself, and everyone else, the truth again. I love the honest life I live now and I like the woman I am, showing up aligned with all my values.
2 . To do the work and learn to be present with your feelings
There is no doubt that if alcohol has become a problem, it isn’t a straightforward journey or a magic formula to become free of it sustainably. I knew that I had been drinking to mask the overwhelm of being in the “sandwich generation”, of being a mother to three teenagers and travelling 200 miles every fortnight to see my mother, who had Parkinson’s disease. The disease had eroded her very essence and we were grieving her when she was still alive. I lived in a state of grief for many years, losing her, then my father and then my youngest child was diagnosed with OCD. I drank every night to numb out the pain. I knew I needed to stop so I could show up as the best Mum for my family. I also knew I needed to feel the grief properly and start to work on myself to feel my emotions without the “prop” of alcohol. Grief counselling helped as did learning about self-compassion and acceptance.
3 . To set new routines and habits that serve you well when you waver
I often suggest to clients that they look at new activities or take up hobbies they used to enjoy. Everyone finds that they have more time when they become alcohol-free, as so much previous time was wasted with a fuzzy head. Whilst the topic of my book wasn’t about sobriety, I attribute writing it as a large part of my healing; I had loved creative writing as a youngster. I set up a computer at a little table in the corner of the spare bedroom and at 5pm every day I scribbled down ideas, conducted research and eventually pulled the content together to create my first book. I still have the 5pm habit of writing — initially the small, regular habit of consciously moving to my writing room has compounded into a writing habit that is just part of who I am now. In the early days of my sobriety it was a distraction and kept me away from the fridge, but now I find it is when I get my most creative ideas.
4 . Be unapologetic about your boundaries
Many people who experience problem drinking lose their sense of self, which can affect self-respect and any sense of being deserving. I had a client who didn’t feel she had the right to her own boundaries as she felt she continually let others down through continuing to drink, despite promising regularly that she would stop. She believed that she had to atone in some way for continually breaking her promises by bending to their desires and subverting her own needs. We worked together to slowly rebuild her sense of worth by focusing on small wins, for herself and for others, reframing that she had a voice and a choice in how she lived her life. And in so doing, it was OK to share her needs, ask for help when she needed and say no when things didn’t feel right. Now alcohol-free for nine months, she is clear on her boundaries and is happy to clearly communicate them to others. She feels far more empowered and grounded as a result.
5 . Stay curiously proud
If someone has been drinking for a long time and feels they have a problem, then it is likely that any sense of pride is off the agenda. I have a client who shared that she felt in a permanent state of disappointment with her sneaky behaviour, to the extent that she expected disappointment. This lowered her expectations of any outcome, whatever the context. We worked together to identify what made her curious and what kept her interested. She spent some time in exploration and discovering mode, just staying curious and trying out new things. She found a love of crafting and sewing and now runs a small business offering dressmaking and alterations in her local area. She is also able to say out loud how proud she is of herself, telling me that when we first worked together she couldn’t have predicted two years of happily living an alcohol-free life, let alone setting up a thriving local business.
Community support plays a vital role in the journey to sobriety. How can individuals find and engage with supportive communities or resources that align with their specific needs and goals? Are there online platforms, local groups, or initiatives that you recommend for fostering a sense of connection and understanding during this process?
I found community and connection as the best support in my determination to permanently stop drinking. There are so many more choices these days that are available for people to test out and connect with others. I became a member (and still am) of Soberistas, run by Lucy Rocca, a worldwide community of more than 45,000 people.
I also recommend the accountability groups in Women Who Don’t Drink, run by Stephanie Chivers and The Sober Club community run by Janey Lee Grace. Local groups vary in their availability for face to face meet ups and the Bee Sober community runs an ambassador programme for local get togethers.
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
LinkedIn and Instagram
https://linkedin.com/in/gillmckay
https://instagram.com/gillmmckay
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com .
