Psychological abuse can leave deep and lasting scars, affecting all aspects of a person’s life. Healing from such toxic relationships requires resilience, support, and effective strategies. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Brandi Dredge.
Brandi Dredge is a mom, encourager, and author of Girl, Uncoded who is dedicated to empowering survivors through storytelling and service. Her journey is a testament to resilience, and she shares her experiences as a sex crime and domestic violence survivor to inspire and uplift others facing similar challenges. She believes in the power of giving pain its voice through journaling, serving in her community through volunteerism, and contributing her voice to important causes close to her heart.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?
Thank you for having me; it is so nice to be here. Every person has a story, and I would like to welcome you to mine.
At sixteen, I longed to meet the man who owned the apartment I was hanging out at with my teenage friends. The one they said was a stripper, a fact that intrigued me. From the moment I saw him, I craved his attention, and once our eyes met, he was all I wanted.
Months later, I found out I was pregnant, and although I was dismayed, I was with the twenty-four-year-old man I had longed for, so I knew I would be okay. A belief that didn’t change even when, holding our week-old son, I sat in court and watched him face charges for stolen property. This was my family, my life; so when his lawyer suggested a ploy to show the judge he was a changed man, I agreed. At seventeen years old, I became a wife.
Over the next nine years, my identity and dreams of a fairy-tale life became twisted by adultery, betrayal, poverty, court cases, and lies. And then, one evening, the reality of my marriage finally became clear after a sergeant revealed I was the victim of one of my husband’s crimes: statutory rape. And my son’s DNA was the evidence the prosecution needed to convict him.
We got divorced, he went to prison, and ever so slowly, I started the path of healing. Letting him go felt like I was abandoning myself. So the first thing I had to discover was my identity, and when I started to see less of him and more of me, I knew I would survive without him.
“I inhaled deeply and trapped all the air inside, as I realized I had a choice: I could suffocate under the dreams of the life I didn’t get or survive in the one I did.” Girl, Uncoded
The path of healing is messy, beautiful, and full of choices. To suffocate or survive is one of the choices every survivor must make.
Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?
The most interesting story is how I chose to give my pain its voice and how that healing path led me to write a book that could serve others.
In 2015, I found myself still asking the same questions that had been haunting me for the past eight years: Can a wife say she’s a wife if the law identifies her as her husband’s victim? Can a mother say she’s a mother if her child’s DNA is evidence of the crime? Can a woman love the same life she pities?
So, I began journaling and attending church to discover who I was and what had happened. Because even though I was no longer in a relationship with him, the toxicity was still in my system.
I wrote in detail about promiscuity, being a teen mom, criminal activity, and being a teenage bride. I wrote to understand my choices, my behaviors, and myself. I wrote for the little girl inside of me I needed to know, and the more I wrote, the more it began to unlock secrets, and, in time, the first draft slowly began to show.
Writing became my therapy. The more I wrote, the more I learned about codependency and trauma bonding. The more I learned, the more I started to see what had happened to me clearly, and I could finally say I was abused.
In the healing, I wrote drafts two and three, and as the words poured forth, I started to see the only one holding my life hostage was me.
I continued to revise and to grow as a person and a writer; I kept showing up day after day, knowing that what Cheryl Strayed said in Tiny Beautiful Things was true: “The only thing that mattered was getting that extra beating heart out of my chest.” Then, I started to see that there was something in my story that could be of service to others. Before I knew it, I was no longer writing for myself. I was writing to give someone else the courage to release their secrets too.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
The first two traits that have been instrumental in my success go hand in hand for me. They are resilience and faith. The ability to walk under storm clouds as dark energies swarm you like locusts, knowing that if you can just hold on, the rainbows and butterflies will once again appear. To believe that light will appear when all you see is dark comes from a place I don’t fully understand because it’s bigger than me. I have wanted to throw in the towel many times, but I didn’t, and I don’t. I keep showing up day after day with gratitude, humility, grace and this knowing that whatever I face in this life, I will be okay. This leads to the third trait of perseverance. Writing the book while working full-time and taking care of my children has taken many years, many hours, a lot of money for editors and publicists. Long days, short nights, and a lot of not-easy moments, and yet I pressed on.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
I love this question. Yes! I am.
I will be having a Launch and Learn: Empowering Survivors Through Storytelling and Service book signing event on pub day of Girl, Uncoded (10.22.2024) at The Story Collective in St. Joseph, Missouri. This event will include a panel of women who will join me to discuss themes of the book through the lens of their career expertise and their lived experiences. One is a psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner who is a childhood sexual abuse survivor. The other has a 24-year career working 911, emergency management, and as a victim advocate for those suffering from domestic violence and sexual assault. I believe this event will provide empowering takeaways for those in attendance on topics that are often hard to discuss surrounding abuse, trauma, and healing.
Additionally, I am a survivor ally with the National Coalition to End Child Marriage. The mission of the coalition is to end all marriages before age 18 in the U.S., without exception. The coalition pursues various approaches in pursuit of this mission, including amending federal laws that encourage child marriage and supporting state-level advocacy to set a marriage age of 18, no exceptions, in every U.S. state.
As a teenage bride in a state that allows child marriages with parental consent, I know first-hand how laws can impact our lives. I am passionate about lending my voice to a cause that is near to my heart and advocating for children to be children, not brides. If anyone is interested in learning more about this human rights abuse, I encourage you to visit endchildmarriageus.org or unchainedatlast.org
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. Let’s start with a simple definition so that we are all on the same page. How would you define a Toxic Relationship?
A toxic relationship is one that involves a pattern of negative behaviors that cause at least one partner harm.
What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in various types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?
Some common signs of abuse are:
Gaslighting- which is a form of manipulation that makes you not trust your own emotions. It makes you question your judgment by questioning and dismissing your needs. Often it leaves you feeling selfish and that everything that is wrong in the relationship is your fault. It silences you by making you and your problems feel small and unimportant compared to what others are enduring.
Lying- changing the facts in a way to gain sympathy and/or take advantage of you.
Undermining your intelligence and/or constant criticism- making you feel stupid, incapable, weak, and worthless.
These signs erode self-esteem and confidence and change our belief of who we are. Often, they leave you rationalizing negative behaviors and doubting your perception of reality.
“Am I supposed to be bleeding, bruised, or sitting with bones broken to be considered a woman of domestic violence? Do I have the right to be here if I am not? Am I supposed to need something or ask something? All I knew is that I just wanted to be safe.” — Girl, Uncoded
How can someone begin the healing process after leaving a toxic relationship? Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship”?
1 . Give your pain its voice. Your feelings matter, so acknowledge them through journaling and/or sharing them with a trustworthy friend, mentor, or licensed professional. It’s time to break the silence, own your story, and release the version of yourself you created to survive.
2 . Get curious. Curious about who you are, your likes, your dislikes, what makes you laugh and cry. Curious about what sparks the passion inside and how you want to show up on the pages of your next chapter. It’s time for you to choose what your story will look like from here.
3 . Fall in love with you. Now I know this won’t be easy or come as naturally as you might think it should because, for so long, you were made to feel unlovable, but here’s the truth:
You are loved.
I encourage you to surround yourself with books, online videos, affirmations, songs, and/or sermons on learning to love yourself.
4 . Hold the frame of truth. Our inner critics are unhelpful and loud with their negativity, so we must be ready to challenge them with the truth when they show up. One way to do this is by writing down helpful/positive thoughts on Post-it notes and sticking them to your mirrors.
5 . Lean into grace. Healing is a process; it takes time, and some days will be easier than others. You won’t do it perfectly because there is no such thing so be kind to yourself and keep showing up day after day. You got this.
Following financial abuse, what actionable strategies can individuals employ to rebuild their lives and achieve financial independence? What resources are instrumental in this process?
Gaining a clear sense of where you stand financially and establishing a budget are two actionable strategies to rebuild financially. Knowledge is power; abuse leaves you with a distorted sense of reality, so having a clear, factual understanding of what debts are owed, what income you have, and where your money is going provides you with a strong foundation to rebuild.
Budgeting apps are a great resource to use to create a budget. If you have a financial need for assistance with housing, utilities, food, clothing, childcare, and/or if money management skills are limited, I encourage you to reach out to the community service and/or faith-based organizations in your communities to see what programs they have to offer as well as checking with your employer to see if they offer any financial assistance programs.
For those impacted by multiple forms of abuse, what comprehensive strategies and support systems are most effective in facilitating their healing journey?
Get moving: Going for walks with friends, gardening, dancing, or other forms of physical activity.
Feed your soul: Meditating, listening to uplifting music, going out to dinner with family, laughing at a comedy show, going to church, joining a small group and/or support groups.
Expand your mind: Journaling, therapy, reading, learning from growth-mindset content and/or role models online.
What strategies can survivors use to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence?
One of the most powerful ways to rebuild self-esteem and confidence is to shower yourself with praise each and every day until you believe in the beauty of who you are.
How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?
By understanding that what is most needed is someone who will just sit and listen without judgment and/or unsolicited advice on how to fix whatever we have going on. As survivors, we are often really hard on ourselves, and it takes time to see the good within us, so the best support is in the forms of encouragement and holding space for us to safely express our emotions so that we can process them.
What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?
Survivors need a safe space to unpack the emotions associated with trauma, and therapy provides that. Therapists foster self-awareness and can help survivors develop strategies that build resilience and promote positive change.
I once worked with a therapist who was able to help me see the wounds of my inner child and had me write a compassionate letter to my sixteen-year-old self, which helped me resolve some of my self-criticism. I am not sure I would have seen that without his help. Another thing he told me is that I can trust my gut. So, when I think about how one finds the right therapist, I would say to trust your gut.
Finances are a common barrier to accessing therapy. However, many mental health services organizations offer income-based financial assistance and/or sliding fee scales. Additionally, there are many free therapy resources available online through YouTube and other social media platforms.
Could you name a few organizations or professionals that provide crucial support for individuals seeking to restart their lives after experiencing abuse, particularly when they have dependents relying on them?
YWCA
Division of Family Services
National Domestic Violence Hotline
RAINN
National Network to End Domestic Violence
Office for Victims of Crime
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
I wrote a piece a few years ago that won an honorable mention in the 92nd annual Writer’s Digest competition. The piece was called PLANTS. This question makes me think of that.
My movement would be an inward movement to lean into a power that is greater than us.
PLANTS: a movement to nourish the roots of our souls so that we may grow into kinder, wiser, freer versions of ourselves.
P- Pray about everything. The joys, the sorrows. For the people you love, know, and those you don’t recognize. Pray for areas of growth and the times you shrivel.
L-Listen with expectation that the answer, the clarity over confusion, the comfort, the confirmation is on the way.
A- Act. Move your body, your mind, the needle forward in your life. Even if silence was the answer, do the next right thing. The thing that makes the flickering inside your wild heart grow brighter.
N- Nourish others and yourself through acts of kindness and words of encouragement. Show grace in someone’s struggle, including your own.
T- Teach. When you find that leaning toward the Light made your roots stronger, made you stand a little taller, gave you a strength to withstand more than you ever thought you could. Reach back to another plant standing in the shadow of doubts that minds cast and tell them about The Lean.
S- Surrender to the journey your life takes. There are cloudy days, rainy days, oversaturation, and drought. There are and will be weeds that try to smother you, to change you. There will be times when you feel burned by all the light you have received and retreat to the shadows. You’ll find yourself searching again for relief, for answers, for nourishment, and one day, possibly even in the crisp air of winter, you’ll feel a warmth you can’t explain, reminding you that PLANTS need light, and you will surrender to grace as you lean towards THE LIGHT.
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
My website: www.brandidredge.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/brandidredgeauthor
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
